The Real World: Walking Dead
by justaroundtheriverbender
Summary: A parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show The Real World. This is purely for humor & enjoyment, not to be taken too seriously. But there is room for action, sweetness, and drama.
1. Chapter 1 Meeting the Cast

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Rick grimes** "_The leader_"

The camera pans to Rick who's piling food into his arms. He notices the camera and stares deeply into the lens before speaking, "I'm getting food, water. I'm saving it for the group. Just in case things go south."

The camera man's voice boomed past the camera. "You don't have to hide the food."

Rick checks his left then his right before tip toeing out of the kitchen, as the camera follows him out into the hall. "Yo man, where's all the food?!" Daryl screams from the kitchen.

**Lori Grimes ** "_The wife_"

"I don't ever see myself getting kicked out of the house. I mean my husband is the leader and..."

Michonne moves past the camera in a stealthy flash. The camera fumbles then turns from Lori. "We got her, we got her. Its Michonne." As the camera pans to Michonne, she vanished around a corner. "Dammit. We lost her again."

**Daryl Dixon** "_Little Redneck_."

The cabinet doors slam, then the fridge door opens and slams shut. Daryl paces in the kitchen then aims his crossbow at the camera man who startles him. "If you got food you better cough it up right now."

"You can't have weapons in the house." The camera man says.

"Michonne gets to keep her weapon, why can't I?" Daryl questions.

The camera man replies. "Wait Michonne has her weapon?"

A rat scurries by and Daryl shoots it with an arrow.

"Daryl! Daryl you can't eat that rat."

"No its mine, I claimed it."

"We need to call the exterminator."

"Naw, you gon kill all the food."

**Merle Dixon** "_Bigger Redneck_"

Merle faces the camera screaming. "I'm stuck in the house with a bunch of** beep beep beeps**, this **beep**, and his **beep** woman that's always **beep** and** beep** with** beep** and this** beep**." His eyes catches the attention of someone off camera. "What you lookin' at **beep beep beep**?!" The camera pans to Michonne who's glaring at Merle. The camera switches back to Merle who raises his bayonet hand. "Get her away from me before I git her!"

The camera man sighs. "Why does everyone still have their weapons?!"

Merle kisses his blade and whispers "its alright little Merle, she can't touch us."

**Hershel Greene** "_Santa Claus, unconfirmed_."

The camera man asks Hershel a question. "So how do you feel about Rick being the leader in the house?"

"A turtle can't cross the water without a shell."

"What does that even mean?" The camera man replies.

"The group is the turtle and the water is this house, and Rick, he's the shell that keeps us all together. Keeps us safe."

"Dude, you know we have an alarm system... right?" The came man adds.

**Phillip Blake** "_aka Brian aka The Governor. Self appointed title_."

Phillip looks around as he sneaks out of his bedroom door which is cracked open, just enough to get himself out. He shuts then locks the door, still looking around. He stands up straight as a camera is in his face. "Oh so, you lock your door? No one else does that. What's in there?"

"Oh just a few nice trinkets here and there, got them from a lovely place called Woodberry. You should go there. I'd give you a special personal tour. Now if you'll excuse me." The camera follows him walking off then the jiggle of his door knob is heard, forcing the camera to pan back. Michonne is trying to break into his room.

"Wow Michonne. Finally we got you. You still haven't done your intro."

Michonne rushed off as Phillip grabs the camera man who's now pointing his camera right into his face. "I can't believe you let her escape!" Phillip scowls then takes off after Michonne.

Camera man rushes toward Michonne. "ugh, finally, we caught up to you-

Michonne unleashes her katana before leering at the camera man "Who are you people-why do you keep following me?"

The camera man tries to reason with the katana wielding woman. "w-wait, we just need you to-"

Michonne attacks the camera with her katana and the screen blanks out.

'After getting a new camera, we were finally able to find someone to calm Michonne down and explain the situation to her." The camera man explains.

The camera focuses on Andrea and Michoona talking in the distance.

**Andrea** "_Sharp shooter_."

Camera man looks over towards Andrea, realizing that talking to Michonne was a lost cause. "Ma'am, do you have a weapon on you?"

"No-I'm like the only one with out a gun, even Rick has one-he's holding all of the guns!"Andrea said.

"Well, you're not allowed to have a weapon either way-"

"I want a gun!"

"I heard The Governor might have some weapons... a lot of them-help me sneak into his room and we could get you one."Michonne whispered towards her female counterpart.

**Shane Walsh** "_The best friend_."

The camera man walks in on Shane and Lori's 'conversation.'

"We got to get Rick out of this house... men like him, they don't last very long."

Lori "Ha, you can say that again... but, he's still my husband and I can't betray him again... if anyone has to get him out of the house, it has to be you. I don't want any part of it."

Shane "Well...wait-"

Shane storms out of the room and grabs the lens of the camera before pushing it aside to get in the frightened camera mans face.

"What are you doing here-how much did you hear-you better not tell Rick nothin!"

The camera shakily focuses on Shane as he angrily rubs his head and paces back and fourth.

Camera man tries to reason with him. "W-well, if you don't want him in the house, you could try and convince everyone to..."

"No...no, why would I want him to go, Rick and I are tight... tight like a noose, yeah-I... I'd never try to kill him, that's just crazy-YOU THINK I'M CRAZY... I aint crazy... Rick's the crazy one, not me!" Shane rambles on.

After a long and grueling day the producers finally gather everyone in the living room.

"Ok, were gonna pan the came over your face and just say your line. So we can all get some rest."

**(Rick)** This (Rick searches the area) is the true story

**(Lori)** of seven survivors forced to live in the walking dead apocalypse... house. (Lori winks at Shane.)

**(Merle) beeping** live'in together

**(Daryl)** and have their lives cla- I mean taped.

"Michonne...Michonne just say the line." Michonne just glares back at the producer.

"Ok just pan to the next person" The producer announces.

**(Andrea)** Now find out what happens

**(Hershel)** when people stop being polite (Hershel side eyes Shane who is scratching his head again.)

**(Shane)** and start getting REAL!

**(Everyone except Michonne)** This is 'The Real World 'Walking dead.'


	2. Chapter 2 In this House We Vote

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

_**In this House We Vote**_

The producer narratives. "It's day two in the house and the constant demands of Lori has been getting to everyone."

The camera crew surrounds the small group lounging around the living room. Andrea complains as a camera zooms in on her annoyed face. "It's all, wash the dishes Andrea, you don't need to stand guard, or wash the clothes Andrea, their covered in blood-ugh, I can't stand her-why does she get to lay on her back all day while I do all of the work-she never talks to Michonne like this."

Footage of Lori earlier that day displays Andrea's frustrated interaction with Lori. Lori stomps up to Andrea. "Andrea! Have you seen Carl?!"

Andrea with her head in the washing machine. "No... I was too busy washing your** beep**!" She snaps.

Lori bends down and shrills more complaints towards her blonde housemate. "What, how could you let Carl run off, I though you were keeping watch-do I have to do everything around here?!"

Lori winces at the stench of Merle, who is trying to spy on Michonne from a far. "Merle... you need to cover up your hand, it's too graphic for Carl-"

Merle scoffs. "Naw, now see here woman, y'all can't tell us what to do-see here, lil'Merle and me are the stars of this here show-"

Merle jumps back before waving his bayonet hand towards the staircase.

"It's Mi-chonne again... creepin' around like a dam shadow-"

Lori leers at Michonne's retreating form. "There she goes again, shirking her responsibilities... well I'll make sure Rick tells her what's on my mind!"

Merle heckled her, "Sure... it's your funeral."

Michonne is casing the hallway leading to The Governor's door, before she readies her katana and tries the handle of the door, she hears Andrea's voice behind her.

"Meesh, what are you doing? I thought you hated Phillip now your sneaking into his room?"

Michonne sighs and shakes her head, "its not like that. I need you to keep an eye out for The Governor. Something is just not right about him."

"Alright Meesh, I just hope you know what your doing."

Andrea walked towards the end of the hall seeing Phillip coming up the stairs. She descends down the staircase and smiles at Phillip who just wants to get past her and back to his room. Michonne had been missing much too long.

"Phillip. Where you heading off to?" Andrea smiles.

Like the good ol boy scout that he is, Phillip is the first to share his feelings in the confessional earlier that day. Phillip stares at the camera sitting up right in the small chair and smiling charmingly. Hiding all that crazy behind his eyes. "Andrea's a strong woman. Says she's efficient with a gun. She's very dependable unlike Michonne who's always minding my business. I can never get time alone with Andrea because her friend thinks I'm crazy." He laughs. "Who do I look like, Shane? In Woodberry crazy behavior like this would never be tolerated. Its such a lovely place. I can still take you there if you want?"

Merle has been watching Michonne like a hawk. He wanted to get her before she got him. He watches Michonne trying to get The Governor's door open and slowly sneaks up on her.

Without hesitation, he traps Michonne in a bear hug and calls out towards The Governor.

"Hey Governor, look-ie who I caught trin' to sneak into your room-"

Michonne kicks out against the door, propelling herself and Merle back and towards the ground. After she thrusts the back of her head into Merle's face, he loses his grip on her after she lunges away from him and is suddenly pinned down by Michonne's strong stance on his 'little Merle.'

"N-no, get off, you're killing little Merle!"

Michonne gives him one swift kick to the face before lunging back down to get her katana and barely escaping the governor's advancing grasp.

"She can run, but she can't hide!" The Governer whispered above his fallen lackie.

Merle whimpers as he tries to keep his weapon from falling apart. "That crazy **beep**! Just hang in there little guy-I need some tape, my boy's barely hanging on!"

Merle's confessional. "That crazy **beep** attacked me like some **beeping beep**." He said angrily while he is hastily wrapping his bayonet hand trying to fix little Merle. His eyes search around the room. "She might be in here right now lurking. Just biting her time before she cuts me in two."

The camera man's voices a question. "Are you afraid of Michonne?"

"No I aint never scared. Especially not of some **beeping beep**." Merle takes a second to listen out for anyone outside the small room he was in, he then leans in towards the camera whispering. "She aint around here is she?"

Lori is seen walking in on Michonne kicking Merle in the face and running off, she quickly follows in the direction Michonne ran off in, as she continues to complain. "What the hell is going on, why isn't everyone helping me look for my son, he's-"

Michonne suddenly appears behind Lori who jumps and turns around, feeling the silent worrier behind her. Michonne closed in on Lori's face, leering her down, thus forcing her to back down and shut up.

"Your son is on my room, reading some comic books... "

Lori gasped out. "You kidnapped my son!"

Michonne walks right past her. "I was watching him... besides he came to me... just like his father."

The camera man zooms in on Lori's heated reaction then chimes in. "Just so you know she's not being catty, Rick really did come to her today."

Andrea comes into a room the size of a closet with a single chair in the middle and a light overhead. "So what, I just sit there?"

"Yes sit there and talk straight into the camera. These are your daily confessionals, you'll be doing them a lot."

Andrea nods her head and sits in the chair starring ahead. The camera guy speaks to her from his place behind the tripod.

"So do you know what's going on between Rick and Michonne?"

Andrea smirks and leans back in her seat, "well all I know is Rick must have some serious stamina in the bedroom because the eye sex alone he was having with Michonne lasted almost an hour."

Footage of earlier that day. Rick comes into his bedroom and ducks behind his bed stuffing food underneath it. "The group will need this later to survive," he is sure of this. As he leaves the bedroom, he peeks his head out looking up and down the hall. Stepping out he turns the corner bumping into Michonne. He looks at her, she looks at him, he's still looking at her, she's relentless in not looking away, he tilts his head narrowing his eyes at her, she flares her nostrils warning him to move out of her way. Andrea watched them with a weird gaze then interrupts. "I need to get into the kitchen." The camera pans out to Rick and Michonne still starring at each other in front of the kitchen entrance. "Come on, I'm hungry." Andrea wines.

Much later in the day the camera follows Lori as she storms into the room that she shares with Rick. "Rick we need to talk." Rick slithers over to his wife hiding a bagel behind his back then sneaks it to her. "Here. eat this, you need to keep your strength up."

She raises her hand. "Its ok. I already ate."

"Where'd you get the food?" Rick asks in amazement.

"The producers re-stocked the fridge since Daryl threatened to sick the Merles on the Camera men." She shrugged then continued on.

"We need to talk about this Michonne woman."

"Yea she's amazing. Helped me get all these stuff and thangs. She doesn't trust this house. She knows something's up."

"She doesn't clean, she doesn't help with the dishes, and Carl's getting to close to her. Besides I think she's crazy."

"Lori" Rick sighs and looks down pinching his nose in frustration. "We need Michonne she's essential to the group."

"Alright Rick, you're the leader of this house. You decide. Its either me or Michonne but one of us is leaving this house."

Moments later Rick gathers the group for a meeting. "Ok, we vote." The group shares stares between them. The Governor scowls at Michonne, who's starring intensity at Merle who's starring at Andreea's chest who's cutting her eyes at Lori. "My wife wont stay in this house unless we...give up Michonne. Everyone in this house deserves the right to say who stays and who goes. Everyone's choice matter's because everyone input is essential to the groups survival. All I'm asking is that we all take the time to consider that-"

"I'm Voting her out." Michonne says.

Merle stands up, "I agree with the mute."

Michonne shoots a death stare his way and Merle covers his face with his bayonet hand hissing at her. "Simmer down little Merle. Simmer down." He whispers to his blade.

After an overwhelming vote Lori is now kicked out of the house. An upset Lori packs her bags after her meeting with the roommates in the house. She's just been booted out and its a hard blow for her husband Rick.

Rick during his confessional. "I don't know how it happened. Everybody just voted against my wife."

"Lori!" as the camera man yells he watches her walking out the front door with her suitcases. She stops and sighs feeling very annoyed.

"So how do you feel about leaving?" The camera man asks pushing his camera into her face.

She backs up. "I'm just mad. I thought this was a Ricktatorship? Even my own son voted me out. "

A devastated Rick walks into his bedroom and sees an upset Shane. "Hey Shane, I appreciate you being there for Lori and Carl before I arrived at the house. I don't know how an ambulance hit my driver's car on the way here. Weird isn't it?"

Shows clip of Shane driving an Ambulance truck.

Shane rubs his head, "thanks but now she's gone."

"Well at least I've got you and Carl still here."

"Hell yea. And I've always got your back.

Shane's confessional. "Man **beep** Rick."


	3. Chapter 3 The Birth of Patches

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**The Birth of Patches  
**

The camera catches new arrival Beth Greene, walking through the woods just outside the apocalypse house. She stops thinking its a walker but its only a small dear that comes up to her and rubs her thigh, filling Beth with joy. She hums a sweet melody to the dear and strokes along its smooth back. Suddenly, Daryl pops up from the bushes and readies his cross bow, seeing the deer he shoots it in the head, blood splattering all over Beth.

"Claimed." Daryl says as Beth starts crying hysterically.

"What chew crying about Beth, you helped get dinner?"

Beth screeches as Daryl kneels down and starts hacking up the deep right in front of her.

"Why you screeching for? Make yourself useful and help me gut this deer."

Daryl's confessional. As Daryl licks his fingers before sliding them through this long hair to add moisture, he squints into the camera before plopping down and pulling his crossbow to the side of his chair.

"You know, at first I didn't think Beth was good for nothin', but dat girl can attract animals wif her voice like some fairy princess of some **beep**-"

While Daryl is talking, on of the crew members is trying to sneak in and take Daryl's crossbow. Somehow he sees this and snatches it back up.

"You think that's funny sunshine-you tryin' to take my **beep** when I ant lookin?!"

The crew man stutters as Daryl points his weapon towards him "N-no, we just don't want any weapons in the house."Daryl gets exceedingly more aggressive before he shoots a bolt at the man and runs out of the room. In the distance Daryl can be heard shouting to Rick. "it was a raid and they were trying to take our **beep**!"

Beth's confessional. "I found this cute little hamster today. Its takes some of the pain away from loosing little that deer Daryl killed in front of me." She starts crying again remembering the arrow through the dears head. The camera cuts off and Beth is sitting again stroking the hamster with her eyes red and puffy from the edited out minutes of straight crying. "The only thing that gets me through the day is this little hamster." Daryl walks into the confessional room and Beth jumps out of her skin, "Claimed." She rushed to say as Daryl nodded and walked out. Beth breaths heavily and stares frighteningly into the camera. "**Beep**."

Hershel's confessional. The camera man proposes a question to Hershel. "So what do you think about your housemate, Shane?"

Hershel leans into the camera, "ever looked into the face of a man and see the devil starring back at cha?"

"No, not really."

"Have a conversation with Shane later on."

Hershel leans back in his chair pondering on something that happened earlier.

"You know, my good friend Otis was supposed to come here along with the group... I wonder what happened to him?"

Shane is shown pacing outside of the confessional room before he spots the camera man and charges at the now shaky frame.

"You think I had something to do with it, huh, that's why you keep watchin' me? well... you can't catch what you can't see!"

Shane pries the camera out of the man's hands and throw it towards the side, before he stomps on it, distorting the view.

Hershel shakes his head hearing the commotion outside the confessional room.

"I told you, that man's a few ducks short of a pond. Ah, and speaking of ponds, the producers told me they were finally finished renovating the pool out back."

Footage from earlier in the day. Rick edges his head around seeing a giant blue pool. "All that water, we can survive on it for days, weeks even." He crouches down doing a military duck walk towards the edge of the pool and looks around suspiciously, as he pulls out a few bottles, siphoning water from the pool. A camera comes towards Rick he starts to freak out. "No! No! You get out" Rick yells, "you hear me? You get out!" He shoves the camera man, who he believes is responsible for removing all the food he'd been hiding for the group, and putting everything back in the kitchen.

"Daryl!"

Daryl comes out from around the corner, "I'm on it" he replies then releases an arrow and the camera cuts to black. Rick rushes back into the house, his head swinging around and his body ducking and dodging imaginary bullets. "Michonne!" Rick screams as he sees her walking by. "Michonne we need some firewood to keep this place warm and boil this water." She looks at him funny, "Rick we have a fireplace."

"Michonne... you know we can't trust that."

"Rick, did you get this water from the pool? There's probably chlorine in it."

"That's what the fire is for. We're gonna boil the chlorine outta da water."

"Instead of just getting it from the sink?" She replies.

"We can't use the sink to get water. I used them pipes to make us some weapons." Rick looks directly into the camera, "cause someone keeps stealing em all."

"Dammit there's a flood in the kitchen." A producer is heard in the distance.

Present time, as the confessional room is being set up for Phillip, Michonne strolls in unleashing her katana and sits down with her sword across her lap. "Oh Michonne, it's you. This is actually supposed to be Phillip's confessional."

Michonne replies, "I know."

Phillip walks into the room seeing Michonne there and waiting for him. He smirks and sets his hand on his hips. "Hello Michonne, surprised to see you here, thought Merle finished you off."

"You know that fool can't get a dam thang done."

Camera cuts to Merle in the kitchen, banging on a can of beans with his bayonet. "Where's the dam can opener?!" He yells. "Dammit Rick hiding all the **beep** again!"

The footage switches back to the stand off between Michonne and Phillip in the confessional room.

"I gonna tear you apart." She threatens.

"You sound like Andrea." He winks.

Michonne's eyes widen with rage. A distressed producer's voice screams over the escalating situation. "Cut the cameras and get security in there now!" Like clockwork the confessional room camera cuts and security rushes to the scene. The hallway camera cuts on and a loud scream is heard from the room along with added shouting of various voices. Michonne comes out of the room alone, hips swaying from side to side as she's slipping her sword back into its sheath. Phillip stumbles out after her, falling over himself on the ground holding his bloodied eye, "I was attacked!"

Just moments after coddling a crying Phillip on the floor Andrea finds Michonne and is outraged. "Michonne you ruined Phillip's eye!"

"He looks better without it." Michonne shrugs.

"I don't even know who you are anymore. You've been after Phillip the since the moment you met him."

"He tried to have me killed."

"And what were you trying to do in there? huh Meesh." Andrea huffs and starts packing her bags. "I cant stay in this room with you anymore. I'm moving in with Phillip."

"You've just meet this man and you trust him over me?"

"That's not true Meesh!"

"By siding with him, your going against me. Where's your loyalty?" Michonne walks out of the room leaving Andrea slightly heartbroken.


	4. Chapter 4 Penny Down

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'.**

Its 3am in the morning where a majority of the house mates are asleep. The only ones unaccounted for are Andrea, Philip and Michonne, who for whatever reason the camera can't catch for more than five seconds. Finally the camera narrows in on Andrea and Phillip getting chummy in the living room. Andrea gets up heading to her new living arrangement with Phillip. The Governor gets up, his smile drops like an anvil. One of the trusted producers comes out to greet the Governor but is suddenly stabbed in the gut. The Governor drags Producer Milton into Michonne's bedroom, closing the door behind him, he is seen whistling down the hall.

Out of nowhere Michonne appears on camera and pushes her room door open, walking in. The camera doesn't catch what happens inside but suddenly Milton's head rolls out into the hall. Michonne steps out of her room and flicks her katana free of his blood then angrily takes off.

The overhead camera views Phillip and Andrea in bed together. Despite the cat and mouse game between Michonne and Phillip, Andrea falls for the charms of The Governor. While the two are asleep in his room, his closet door creeps open, and a child walker emerges from the dark space. Outside, Michonne sees her chance to get the Governor; Andrea's little seduction left the man less aware of his surroundings, this was the one time he'd forgotten to lock his door. Michonne walks in and sees the child walker approaching the bed, she yanks it back as Phillip suddenly wakes and tears fill his eyes. "Don't touch her! Don't hurt my baby girl!" Michonne pushed her sword through the back of walker Penny's head and Phillip screams watching the blood on the end of Michonne's sword. Andrea wakes up rubbing her eyes then sees the walker child. "Ew walker!" She shoots penny in the head. Daryl walks by noticing the walker falling to the ground, he then shoots an arrow into Penny causing Phillip to cry even harder feeling more helpless. Rick hears Phillip and sneaks into the room seeing Penny. He whispers, "walker." Rick does a swift tuck and roll over to Penny and stabs her through the head.

Camera men all rush to the Governor's room where all hell seams to be breaking loose. All camera angles are shaky and out of focus panning over chaos. Clear audio is heard from the Governor screaming for his little girl. Rick storms out into the hallway to see a camera in his face, "I want that man out of this house! Nowww!"

Daryl comes out chewing on the skinned body of a snake and sides with Rick, "psycho's harboring walkers and **beep!** He gotta go! "

Afterwards during Andrea's confessional, the camera man and Andrea go back and forth on her misplaced awareness of Phillip. The camera man sits off frame, questioning her. "So you didn't think anything was weird about a man with a tank full of walker heads?"

"He said it was there before we moved in." Andrea answered.

"Ok so how about the fact that he had torture devices in his room?" The man countered.

"He said those were for stuff around the house that needed fixing. Then he was all like _in Woodberry we never have sinks clogging up or pipes bursting. Its the best place on earth_." She mimicked.

"What about this?" The camera man holds up a Michonne voodoo doll. "He kept this under his pillow. I think you saw him making it."

"He said it was a Disney princess doll for his daughter."

"And did you know the daughter was a walker?"

The light bulb goes off in Andrea's head. "Ohhhh...that's why he was crying."

An hour later, an overhead camera feed films the living room where Rick, Daryl, Hershel, Shane, Beth, and Michonne, who walks in last, are about to talk. Rick looks at Michonne strolling in, Michonne looks back at Rick, Rick stares deeply at Michonne. Shane rolls his eyes at the two of them. "Focus people!" He yells. Michonne and Rick are still in a trace, lost in each others intense gazes. "I'm just gonna wait till y'all finish," Shane adds while plopping himself down on the couch. Shane sits there rubbing his head while Hershel looks down at him leering.

Shane gets up from the couch, "that man's insane, he untrustworthy, we gotta kill him. Ain't no other way."

Hershel sighs hates having to agree with Shane. "He's right. We can't have Phillip in this house any longer."

"Who?" Shane asks rubbing his head again.

"Phillip, he's the man that your speaking of right?" Shane looks away from Rick and back at Hershel.

"Oh Yea, yea...sure."

Rick pops out of his trance with Michonne, "No. We don't kill people. We can still work this out. He aint to far gone." Suddenly a loud gun shot is heard, the group rushes towards the staircase and looks up to see the governor with a gun, and there's a bullet hole in the ceiling. "Liar." He whispers from the top step.

The camera man growls in frustration, "How do these people keep getting weapons into the house?"

Shane yells "look Rick! He's got that gun from your secret stash" Shane looks directly into the camera, "did y'all hear that? Rick has a secret gun stash that could get him kicked out of the house!"

"Rick's eyes dart around at each of the cameras filming. "Its for the group. If we don't have ammo we're as good as dead!"

"I want Michonne!" the Governor interrupts as Rick raises his gun at the Governor, who aims his gun back at Rick. "Is one woman really worth it Rick? Your son's gonna grow up calling Shane daddy!"

Shane laughs hysterically.

Rick cuts his eyes at a laughing Shane then looks to Phillip. "You put the gun down. I know you've lost people but so have we. We can all work this out. We can talk, there's been enough blood shed. Just lower the gun Phillip!"

Phillip turns his loaded gun towards Michonne then feels a bullet grazing past his eye. He turns around to see Andrea pointing a smoking gun at him. Andrea's confused because she swears she aimed it right in the middle of his head, she shoots again and again, watching her bullets fly right by him. "**Beep!**"

"Don't be stupid Andrea. Michonne is the enemy here not me. LOOK AT MY EYE!"

"I've always known where my loyalty lies Phillip. Its just taken a moment for me to realize." She smiles at Phillip and he smiles back thinking he'd gotten her back on his side. Without hesitation Andrea shoves Phillip down the steps, he hears nothing but his own screams as he's tumbling down.

The camera pans down to Phillip at the bottom of the steps. A producer shouts off screen. "We gotta man down!" Phillip is twitching on the floor as Michonne raised her sword to finish him off, security comes rushing around her pointing guns at her, "hey hey hey! Michonne put the sword down!" The camera cuts.

Michonne's forced confessional.

"So why did you try to off Phillip?"

Michonne stares daggers at the camera man.

"Are you going to answer any questions?"

"I want my sword back."

The next morning after managing to survive the fall down the stairs, The Governor waddles out bracing on his cane and struggling to move his head due to his neck brace. The camera man comes up to Phillip, the lens focuses on his shattered gaze.

"So how do you feel about being forced to leave the house. I mean you did break the rules, no walkers in the house. You also murdered a man on camera."

"Penny aint a walker." the Governor snaps. "She's my little girl. Michonne killed my daughter!"

"You didn't see Penny's death as more of a group effort?"

The Governor growls and bombards the camera man screaming then the camera feed goes snowy. But overhead footage catches the disgruntled house member who's now being crowded around by security who's yanking him off the camera guy. The scene is so intense one of the show's producers, Lilly, has to come out and try to cool Phillip down. "

Philip, I'm sorry but you broke the rules so you have to go-"

The Governor wrestles from side to side as he's being hauled out through the front doors. "Liars, thieves, and murders-I'll burn this place to the ground-just like I burned Woodburry!"


	5. Chapter 5 the itchy and scratchy show

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

** The Itchy and Scratchy Show**

A producer's voice provides a little narration for the show. "Its been a few days since the spiraling exit of Phillip and everyone has been at ease, except for Rick who's still living like he's on the outside."

Rick wonders out of the confines of his bedroom. He's scavenging through the house when he hears a phone ringing. He can't help but to follow the sound. Coming into the phone room he answers the calling. "Hello."

"Rick! Its Lori. You gotta get me back in the house."

"Lori? Lori is this really you? I thought I lost you in the vote out."

"Yes Rick, I am gone, that's why i need you to get me back in the house."

"I don't understand how can you be gone and still be talking to me."

"Cuz I aint gone like dead, I'm gone like outta the house!"

"No! No this aint real. You aint real." Rick hangs up the phone.

Lori holds the phone at her end looking confused, "did he just hang up on me?"

The phone rings again as Rick is getting up. Ring after ring, Rick is pacing back and forth rubbing his forehead with his arm and sweating. He yanks up the phone again. He's quiet at first then hears the voice at the other end of the line. "I need to clear."

**Morgan Jones** "_The clearer_"

The camera films by Morgan's open door. Morgan stands in his bedroom looking up at his walls in a tearful rage. He screams seeing the horrible display before him. "Red!" He points to the left." Red!" He repeats pointing to the right." All I see is redddd!" Morgan yells angrily as the camera pans out to view the wall to wall red paint in his bedroom. Rick walks into Morgan's room and looks up starring questionably, "yea I think we need to change your room color." Rick suggests.

"I hate this dam color!" Morgan admits looking over at Rick who's nodding.

Elsewhere in the house, Andrea sits with an agitated Michonne who's vigorously itching. "Michonne how on earth did you get flees?"

Footage of earlier that day. Michonne's laying on her bed as Daryl comes by and leans in her door way eying her with his best display of bedroom eyes. "Hey Michonne?" The drawl of his voice becomes like silk. "You claimed yet?" Michonne smiles as Daryl walks in and swings the door shut behind him.

"I don't want to talk about it." Michonne says getting up from her bed.

Andrea's eyes widen as she sees Daryl walking past their room scratching in a similar manor.

With Michonne temporarily missing in action while getting her flees issue situated, Andrea is bored without her bestie and wonders around the house. She stumbles upon Beth and Daryl in the kitchen and rolls her eyes at Daryl's inching every few minuets.

Around the kitchen table, Beth and Daryl both have a drink. His moonshine, her's orange juice. A camera comes up close, focusing on their conversation.

"Never have I ever...been arrested." Beth stares at Daryl waiting for him to take a drink, but ehen he dosen't she complains. "Daryl you have to drink if you've done the thing, it's the rules of the game-."

"I aint ever been arrested-that what you think o' me?!"

Beth raised her hands up in defense against the drunken redneck.

"The game is played so we can learn more about each other, I didn't mean to offend you. Alright, never have I ever done...oh i know...meth."

Daryl gawks at the teen before angrily storming away from the table.

"Daryl you can't be embarrassed about it, I know you have! You're apart of this family now, yah don't need to be ashamed of your past we can work through this-"

"I ain't never did no meth!"

"Are you sure? Maybe you don't remember, hard drugs can do that to you."

Daryl walks out with a leer towards the camera man as Beth shakes her head and whispers.

"I guess if he doesn't remember... by default he doesn't have to drink... oh well, more for me-"

Daryl rushes back in and grabs the moonshine from Beth then starts chugging down the contents of the bottle before rushing towards the corner of the kitchen.

"Ew, he's gonna pee on the floor again!" Beth squeals.

Security rush towards Daryl at the sound of his fly being zipped down, before they hall the angry drunk outside to let him finish his 'pee tantrum'.

Rick walks towards Morgan's bedroom door, a little surprised that its locked with words like "turn back, and I'm not shitting you" written across it. "Morgan?" He calls out as the door opens and he sees Michonne standing there snacking on a big bag of potato chips. "So your eating his food now?"

"The mat said welcome...and also don't step on the mat" Michonne advices.

She grabs a few more bags of chips then 4 snickers bars, then Trix bar. "You gon get a cavity with all that candy." Rick nags as Michonne's loud chip crunches echoes down the hall.

Rick squats down and lifts the mat up to see the floor dug out and spikes emerging from inside. "So dam cool." He steps into Morgan's room in awe seeing wall to wall weapons and ammunition. Morgan is covering his room with white wallpaper to get rid of that horrible red paint. "Morgan how on earth did you get away with having all these weapons? They keep robbing mines."

Morgan leans into Rick and whispers. "You gotta make them think you're crazy."

At the end of the day, Daryl sits down to do his confessional. "I don't mind getting a flee bath, if its with Michonne. We might end up gettin' dirtier then when we started doe. I aint to found of the way they went about it. I aint no dog, they didn't have to give me no flee bath."

Footage from just moments ago. As Merle watches Michonne from afar with her towel in tow, he nudges his little brother and leans in with a smirk.

"Looks like that woman there's gonna be in the shower soon, how about you and I take a little look at her-"

"Naw man, cut it out."

Daryl shakes his head before itching the back of his neck free of some fleas. With a chuckle, Merle springs up and rushes towards the stairs with his brother in tow.

"Come on, what you so scared of Darline? Never seen a naked woman before?"

"Hey Merle, I mean, it cut it out before you get your dumb ass kicked out!"

Merle nears the bathroom before he rushes inside and slams the door, with Daryl not far behind, fearing the worst.

"Help me baby brother, the **beep** actually bought her sword wit er!"

Daryl rushes into the bathroom and the door is slammed shut behind him. A camera man rushes towards the bathroom door, and with no obvious camera feeds in the bathroom, the only thing that can be gathered about what's going on inside is all audio.

"What the-"

Michonne screams out to hold Daryl down before Morgan's voice is heard shouting "We got to clear them fleas!"

"Ow, you got flea powder in mah eyes!"

"Shut up Darline, your eyes aint never open anyway!"


	6. Chapter 6 Target Practice

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Target Practice**

Hershel's confessional. "So Hershel, where have you been the past few days?"

"I've been keeping an eye on Shane. I'm thinking he might do something stupid.

"How come?"

"Something stupid is that boy's only option. He doesn't have a single smart thought in his head."

Shane jumps at the chance to get in contact with Lori. When the producers told him that they had a working phone and a number where Lori was staying, it doesn't take him long to get to the phone room. He dials and Lori she answers.

"Lori, its Shane."

"Thank god its you. I've been calling Rick but I aint had much luck getting through to him."

"So how you holding up?"

"I'm fine, but I gotta get back into the house. Shane you need to do something."

"Lori the only way to get you back in is if someone leaves."

"Well then don't you think someone need to have an accident?"

Camera footage just moments after, narrows in on a tense interaction between Producer Martinez and house mate Shane. Martinez is annoyed as he lectures Shane on his possible ploy to get Lori back into the house.

"Shane if you try to harm anyone in the house you will be the one to leave, not them."

"Let me tell you somethin' man. You're here, eavesdropping on phone calls and telling me what I can't do. You see that world out there. That world outside this house, people kill left and right for the people they care about. I'm willing to kill, do you got it in you to do the same? because I don't think you do."

"Shane we have rules in this house"

"-man **beep** your rules. You're probably on Rick's side, think everybody needs to live and** beep**. He's weak and you weak too!"

The camera films Andrea with Michonne in the backyard. Michonne had lined up a row of cans in the distance for her friend to use as target practice. Andrea shoots, then misses, then shoots again with the same result. Frustrated she started firing off until she was out of bullets. When the smoke cleared all four cans were still intact.

"Dammit."

Andrea grabs another gun and Michonne snatches it away from her. "Ok no more practice, you're just wasting ammo."

Merle walks back and opens his mouth wiggling his tongue at the two ladies. "When you two gon' get back to your room, your boy Merle here wants to watch you two **beeping beeps** in some licky licky action." He rubs his belly swerving his hips.

Michonne hands Andrea the gun back then commands.

"Andrea shoot him."

Andrea shoots at Merle who jumps as a bullet grazes him. A hurl of profanities from Merle ensues as Michonne's scowls.

"Again, but closer to your left." she orders.

"Wait, aint I gon' kill him?"

"You need a moving target as practice."

"Ohhhh...ok." Andrea nods then shoots at Merle again making him duck and run off.

"Andrea, he's running go after him!" Michonne shouts.

Andrea's confessional. I think people were just using me to kill other people in the house.

Shane goes up to Andrea. "I'm gonna teach you how to shoot."

Andrea agrees than Shane takes her out to Rick's garden. "You see Rick, he gotta red mark on the back of his head. Now I need you to hit the red mark."

"Wont that kill him?!"

"No, no, its alright he's in on this. Just pretend he's a walker, he gon be moving around. You gotta _kill_ em when he's not looking. If all else fails, take that shovel over there and hit him in the back of the head where the target is. Now you keep hitting him until he _pretends_ to stop moving. Now you might see blood, but its all apart of your training." Andrea nods and aims her gun then pulls the trigger. Rick looks around feeling something brush past his ear. "You missed! Andrea just keep shottin! Don't let him get away. You never let the target get away!"Shane eagerly yells.

Rick does a tuck and roll behind his plants and yells at Andrea "what are you doing?"

"Rick stop hiding I need to see the target!" Andrea calls out.

"This is all apart of the plan, now I'm gonna go in and finish him, this will be a team effort!"

Michonne storms out hearing the end of Shane and Andrea's conversation amongst the fire shots of Andrea's gun.

"Shane!" She screams angrily then rushed up to him and punches him in the face.

"Stop **beeping** with Rick." Shane tastes the blood in his mouth as Michonne walks off grabbing the gun from Andrea. "No more of this! Go to your room."

"What about my lesson?"

"Dammit Andrea!"

Andrea walks off as Rick pokes his head up from behind his garden while Shane spits out a pool of blood on the floor and comes at Michonne. As Michonne is grabbing Rick's hand helping him up, Shane is charging up behind her but is stopped by Morgan's son Duane slapping him across the face with Rick's iron shovel. Rick looks around Michonne and smiles, "good looking out Duane." Wayne nods and takes off.

Michonne looks at Rick. "You ok?"

"Yea, I'm ok."

"How?"

"Cuz I ducked."

Andrea walks towards the house feeling defeated after never being able to hit any of her targets that afternoon.

"I don't even know why I need to shoot a gun, there aint any walkers in this house anyway."

Suddenly a muck covered human with the smell of rotting flesh came out of the bushes dragging his feet as he walked towards Anderea. "Walker!" She yells then picks up a rock and throws it at its head. The 'walker' goes down.

"Yes I got one!" She jumps up and down.

Rick and Michonne comes up to see Daryl rocking from side to side on the ground holding his head. "Andrea you hit Daryl" Michonne says as she kneels down beside him checking his head.

"No, that's a walker."

"I aint a walker!" Daryl screams.

Shane sits down for his confessional, with a band-aid across his nose and his nostrils clogged with toilet paper, he taps his finger on his busted lip and hissed a little.

"All these crazy people in the house trying to kill each other yet none of y'all trying to get them out. I don't feel safe in the house with Rick and that katana in tight jeans. And I don't know how she got a free pass after what she did to Phillip."

The camera man shrugs, "she's a fan favorite."

Another forced Michonne confessional. The camera man sighs knowing he isn't going to get much out of her. "You seem pretty tightly wound today."

"You** beeps** still have my sword."

"If you talk to us a little bit we may consider letting you have your weapon back."

Michonne silently glares back at the camera before storming out.


	7. Chapter 7 Dixon Girls

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I hope you like the song.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Dixon Girls**

The overhead camera feeds check on the house mates scattered throughout different rooms, before focusing in on a particular interaction between Michonne and Daryl. As Michonne finished yet another sit up, she finally looked up to see one of the Dixon brothers looking down at her toned physique.

"Hey Chonne, meet me in mah room later, got som'thing for yah."

The camera zooms in on Michonne's reaction. With a sly nod, Michonne continues her daily sit ups with the younger Dixon fresh on her mind.

Later that day, Michoone is seen entering Daryl's room as the hidden cameras catch their every interaction.

"So... what you got to show me?" She says in the most flirtatious manor.

Daryl smiles at her and requests that she close her eyes and hold out her hands. Michonne looks at him with skepticism but then decided to comply. He places the familiar feel of cool Steele along her hands and she opens her eyes seeing her sword.

"I got your sword back while the cameras wer'nt filmin'."

Michonne smiles, her expression says she's nothing short of touched by the sweet gesture. "You really didn't have to do this."

"I just wanted to do something nice for yer."

Michonne leans her sword against a wall and wraps her arms around Daryl. Daryl smiles bringing his arms around her but stops as he's leaning in for a kiss seeing the lens of a camera starring into his room. "Aw hell naw, we aint makin' no porno for y'all." Daryl walks towards the camera and shoves it back before slamming the door shut.

A few minuets prior to the sweet interaction between Daryl and Michonne, Andrea is feeling a bit down about her lack of action in the house. She walks through the halls, trying to spy on her best friend Michonne.

"I wonder why she keeps going into Daryl's room?"

Andrea questions out loud as Merle walks by.

"What chu talkin bout woman, you sayin my baby bro hookin' up with that crazy-I mean Michonne?" Merle takes a moment then sleazily inserts his next question. "How come we never hooked up-"

"Hm, maybe because you're a sexist, racist and apparently homophobic pervert."

"I'm a simple man lady, don't be usin' all them big words on me now... "

With a roll of her eyes, the camera man catches her walking away and Merle looking down at his bayonet.

"Sorry lil Merle, but I gotta go solo on this one."

Lather that day, Merle is seen outside in Rick's garden before he is chased out by Rick with a rake. Merle is hiding something behind his back as he looks around for something in Rick's room, before he is also chased out again by said man.

"Dammit Rick, if you were'nt keepin' all the good **beep** to yourself, I wouldn't have to keep taking your **beep** from yah."

The camera later that day shows Merle stopping Andrea in the hallway and showing her his bayonet-less arm, which is now decorated with flowers and tape.

She playfully pushes him away before she lays a kiss on his cheek and leads him into her bedroom.

Merle's confessional. "It seems like these ladies are fixin' for some Dixon!" Merle laughs after he gestures towards his groin.

At the end of the day Andrea is sitting in her room blankly starring at the wall as Michonne comes in and sits down beside her with a contemplative stare. " think I did something bad." Andrea admits.

"I think I did too." Michonne sighs.

"What did you do?"

"Caught feelings for Daryl."

"I slept with Merle."

"You win."

Daryl's confessional. "Beth asked us to come down to the living room tonight to hear one of her songs. Better not be some stupid crap 'bout friendship or I'm outta there."

Beth looks into the camera then back at the group before smiling and producing a piece of paper while clearing her throat.

"I wrote a special song about everyone in the house, this will lighten the mood and get everyone closer together."

"A-hem."

Beth taps her foot on the ground in a country melody to add to her singing.

"Michonne, Michonne forever alone, with nothing but her blade by her side-"

Michonne gawks back a Beth before hearing some chuckles form Merle.

"But then in Daryl's room, her sex drive just went boom, and she takes that little Dixon for a ride."

Daryl smirked at Michonne before she looked for an exit away from this situation.

"He gave that poor girl fleas, nearly had her on her knees- I guess Dixon blood makes the girls here go insane..."

"Andrea shouting in Merle's room, as he got hit by her monsoon, I know that I will never be the same."

"All that shoutin and that gruntin, it was like he's booty hunting, because he found himself a nice little blonde ride!"

Andrea face burned red before she looked around for a gun.

"When Rick's not lookin' for walkers, he turns into a stalker, and follows Morgan right into his room-"

"And Shane is such a pain, his ideas stupid and insane, because they always fail to bring Rick to his doom."

"And when it come to the rest, me and my daddy are the best, because we are wise, helpful, considerate and kind!"

"Ok Beth, that's enough! Isn't my daughter so talented?" Hershel shooed his daughter away before she smiled and bowed towards the group.

Michonne got up before muttering that she needed a drink and left.

Merle intended to clap before stopping and smirking towards his brother.

"That girl's got some talent, got y'all all down to a 'T'."


	8. Chapter 8 Rick's Best Friend

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Rick's Best Friend**

Morgan is very particular about his cleaning, and the house is a mess that he can't live in. He decides to tackle the kitchen first. After a while the kitchen is spotless, he'd just finished mopping that last spot on the floor as Rick comes in leaving a trail of muddy foot prints. Dirt covered hand prints smudge every clean surface imaginable, while Rick is ransacking the kitchen for goods.

Morgan growls in a rage and yanks up a knife, "didn't I tell you I needed to clear!" A loud scream is heard from the kitchen from Rick. "You crazy son of a **beep**!"

Moments later Rick has Hershel patch him up after the stab wound he'd gotten from Morgan. He feels terrible after upsetting his friend and confides in Hershel. "Rick you know how Morgan gets about his cleaning. You should have been more considerate."

"What do you suggest I do?"

"You gotta do something to show him you're sorry, but more importantly that ya care."

Rick is seen with a still bleeding wound in front of Morgan's door, as he keeps his distance form the welcome mat and knocks twice.

Morgan opens the door, he tries to apologize to Rick for stabbing him in the chest that morning, but Rick shh's him before holding up some large white cards, and nodding for Morgan to read them.

'I know you're sorry for stabbing me in the chest'

'but the pain I felt today is nothing compared to...'

'the joy I feel when I'm with you-'

'to me, you are perfect, Morgan Jones.'

With tears in his eyes, Morgan maneuvers around his own welcome mat and embraces Rick who coils back in pain.

"Sorry Rick, I forgot about the wound."

"Naw... no, it's okay... I'll re-bandage it later."

Much later in the day, Shane sneaks out of Rick's room holding a can of shaving cream and what appears to be a used razor blade. He hides the content of his hands behind his back avoiding the hallway camera above. Rick wakes up from his nap, he walks to his doorway seeing Andrea and Michonne walking down the hall. As they see him, the two girls halt, Michonne's eyes widen and Andrea's eyes roll into the back of her head just before she falls over. Michonne get down checking on her passed out friend.

"What the hell's going on?" Rick asks alarmed.

Andrea's confessional. "Its the worst thing I've seen happen in this house. He's like 75% less attractive now. I don't know what happened but his entire beard is just gone."

Andrea starts to cry from the terrible loss of Rick's facial hair.

"Thank you" she says as she takes a napkin from the camera man then blows her nose into the tissue. "Who the hell would do something like that to him?"

Shane's confessional. Footage consists of 30 minuets of Shane cackling.

Hershel badly wants for a return to normalcy. And he's not about to let Beth plan another event, so he takes it upon himself to utilize that swimming pool out back.

Daryl looked at all of the meat in astonishment before looking back at Hershel.

"Where'd yah get all this meat?"

"A nice man named Gareth stopped by and offered it to the group."

Daryl nods then sees Michonne walking by in a tiny white bikini his eyes practically pop out of his head as he leaves to follow her, right in the middle of Hershel talking.

"Hopefully nothing to bad happens today..." Hershel looks to his left watching Daryl wonder off. "Oh so you just gon' leave in the middle of the conversation like that?"

Andrea and Beth are already in the pool laughing and swatting a volleyball back and forth. Merle comes out and jumps into the pool creating a big splash that soaks Daryl and Michonne in the middle of the younger Dixon laying some southern charm on his woman.

"Merle!" Daryl yells.

"Sorry baby brother, didn't mean to get your girl wet before you could." As the volleyball comes his way he raises the wrong arm to swat it, and ends up piercing the volleyball with his bayonet blade. "Dammit Merle." Andrea grunts.

Beth looks around, "I can sing y'all another song if you want?"

Everyone screams in unison, "No!"

Hershel is at the grill looking oddly at the formations of meat. He lifts up a large piece that mirrors his forearm. He raises an eyebrow then looks at the other pieces and jumps fishing out a severed hand.

"The meats bad!" Hershel turns back with a yell.

"It tastes fine to me, Merle says chomping down on his piece of meat. "Its a little hard through." Hershel frowns watching Merle devour the unsavory dish.

The camera man follows Michonne entering the house. She strolls into the kitchen, wrapping a towel around her bikini clad body. She sees Rick behind her with his "new look."

"Hey Rick."

"Hey." He says sadly as he's intentionally trying his hardest to hide his face from her, while the camera is zooming in on him.

Michonne could sense that he was still a little low on confidence without the presence of his beard. "Listen, if it means anything I kinda like you beardless. You look more distinguished." She smiled.

He raises his eyebrows then smiles at her feeling a little more confident. "Thanks Michonne. I don't know what 'd do without you."

"You can do me a favor."

"Anything."

"Get me some candy from Morgan's room, the sweeter the better."

"Alright. I can do that. But only if you share with Carl."

"I will. And I'll save you a piece too." She smiles.

The rest of Andrea's confessional on the beardless Rick issue.

"This hot, sexy, rugged man is just gone and we're left with... I don't even know what he is now. He looks like a **beeping** backstreet boy!" She cried more, then wipes her tears with an additional napkin.

Rick finally comes out to the gathering at the pool.

Merle cackles seeing his beardless face, "officer friendly you're as slick as a baby seal!"

Shane struts out shirtless and flexing catching Andrea's eye and Merle's scowl. Shane sees Rick and grabs him by the shoulders, "come on Rick lets get in the water, we're gonna play a game." Rick and Shane end up in the pool. Shane suggests they do a breath holding contest under the water. Rick agrees and dunks his head under as does Shane at first, but then he pops up early and forces Rick's head to stay under water as Rick's flailing around out of sight.

Merle chuckles. "Aw lookie Shane tryina drown officer seal."

Shane releases his hands from holding Rick's head under water, catching the sight of producer Martinez. Shane throws his hands up inthe air before rubbing his head acting as if he wasn't doing anything. Rick comes up gasping for air and shaking his head. Andrea swims over to Shane, shoving a still struggling Rick out of her way and wraps her arms around Shane from behind as he laughs. Merle watches angrily as she whispers something into Shane's ear that brings out a cocky grin.

Merle's confessional. "I gave that woman the best 16 minuets of her life and she gon' flirt with Shane right in front of my face. Ol' Merle here gotta admit he's pretty dam hurt. Yew best believe there's gon' be a fight tonight."

Daryl walks into the room he shares with Merle seeing the room completely trashed. He's even more pissed because the flower he's found for Michonne had been trampled on. He walks into the room, "Merle!" The further he walks, the more damage is done then suddenly he sees a pile of Merle and Andrea's clothes leading all the way towards the shut bathroom door. He cringes hearing Merle and Andrea's grunting and heavy breathing in there.

"Dammit Merle, come out here an' clean this mess up!"

"Shut up Daryl, I got my hand is full in here!"

Daryl leaves and heads into Michonne's bedroom, "Chonne, yew sleepin'?"

Michonne yawns and pulls her blanket aside as he got in bed with her. She turns and lays her head on his chest as he wraps his arm around her.


	9. Chapter 9 Puppy Love

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Puppy Love  
**

Hershel's confessional. "Its bad enough that Beth's singing this blasphemous song, but who she was singing it too was something intolerable."

A camera man comes up to Beth's half open bedroom door, recording an unusual display of show. Beth is in her room humming the melody to a familiar sexually charged rock song before singing, "I smell sex and candy in here" She winks at the person she's serenading followed by an awkward hip sway that she intended to come off as sexy.

The camera man pushes the door open as Beth continues with the song to see Shane sitting in a chair. Despite Beth giving it her "vixen" all, Shane doesn't seem so enchanted. Bewildered would have been the word.

Beth is gloomy over Shane's unpleasant response to her performance. Needing a friend to talk to she thinks to find Daryl. Camera footage shows Beth outside of Daryl's shut door. For some reason the audio is out from Daryl's room, so all that can be heard is Beth from the hallway camera overhead. Beth presses her ear to his door.

"Daryl open up."

She hears what he's up to inside and starts banging on the door.

"Come on, hurry up and finish in there." She bangs harder.

"Michonne get him to finish. You can do it girl!"

She presses her ear to the door again. "Was that it? Did he just..."

Daryl angrily swings the door open as Beth gasps seeing a naked Daryl holding a large pillow against his crotch. "Dammit what the hell you want?!" The sweaty redneck snaps with rapid breaths. "I ah...jeez Daryl how many pumps do you need?!" Beth looks into the room waving at Michonne covering up in Daryl's bed. "what's the can of spray cheese for?" She questions.

"Mind your own dam business that's what its for!" Daryl steps back inside his room and slams his door shut.

The camera feed switches to a heartbreaking exchange elsewhere in the house. Morgan looks of into the sunset before forcing his tear filled eyes towards Rick, who's trembling at the mere thought of losing Morgan again.

"Rick... I need to set out and clear this world."

"No Morgan please... we can stay here... we need you Morgan-"

"I ain't gonna stay here a day longer... do you still have the walkie talkie?"

Rick wiped away at the snot dripping above his beard before nodding yes.

"When I set out... I'll call you Rick... we'll keep talkin until the signal goes out..."

Rick shock his head in defiance before looking towards the ground then back at his friend.

"Alright... I can't stop you, but remember this Morgan, I will never forget you... you will always have a place in this group and..." rick then whispers under his breath, "and in my heart."

"What was that last part?"

"Huh, oh nothing." Rick then whispers, "I love you."

"did you just say you love me?"

Rick shakes his head, "olive juice... we need more of it in the house."

With that, Morgan left to pack after giving the peace sign to the camera man who was also tearing up.

Shane's confessional. "Listen let me make something clear to y'all. I aint interested in Beth but it pisses of Hershel so..." Shane shrugs with a shit eating grin on his face.

Shane walks out to see Hershel coming towards him. "What the hell do you think your doing with Beth?"

"Nothing she don't want" Shane smirks rubbing his head.

"You stay away from my little girl."

"Aint that up to her?"

"I mean it Shane."

"Tell me somethin' old man what you gonna do? You gonna hit me? I'd like to see you try."

Hershel leers at Shane who's in his face nodding his head, "exactly what I thought."

As Shane is walking away he turns back and shoves Hershel into the pool.

After Rick's meltdown after loosing Morgan, various people stop by his room trying to cheer him up but no attempt works just yet. The camera catches Michonne strolling into his room. She sits in front of him on his bed as Rick's eyes are red and he's clutching a picture of Morgan that Beth, kindly drew for him.

"I know you miss Morgan but I think I've got a way of cheering you up."

"You do?"

"Yea. I'll tell you a secret about me and after I do, you gotta promise to cheer up."

"Alright...we'll see." Rick smiles.

Michonne leans into Rick's ear whispering her secret. Rick blushes and looks like he's taking a moment to imagine something salacious. He watches her leaning back as he breaks out into a shy laughter.

"You better not tell anybody about that." She laughs.

"You definitely aint gon' tell Carl that." Rick teases her.

"Why would I ever tell Carl? That trick isn't for kids."

"I wont believe you can do it until i see it."

"Don't get ahead of yourself farmer Rick."

Michonne and Rick share a laugh together then look up realizing they are being showered with red rose petals.

"What the hell is this?" Michonne says in confusion then turns to the camera man who's chucking roses petals above their heads.

"What are you doing?" Rick asks starring into the camera.

The voice behind the recording device speaks "I'm enhancing the mood, just go with it you two."

Michonne rolls her eyes "Your enhancing the mood with the wrong guy, I'm with Daryl."

Rick looks down seaming a little disappointed, then as she's turning to him he panics and picks up a bunch of rose petals, tossing them at Michonne's face.

She furrowed her eyebrows and grabs a hand full doing the same to him in return, a kiddish rose petal fight ensues.

Beth's confessional. Beth sits up right in the confessional chair, she stares into the camera and she's all business. "I had a crush on Shane, until I heard what he did to my daddy. No one messes with my daddy."

Beth stops by Shane's room smiling cheerfully. Hey Shane, I got something for ya."

"Oh you do now? Well bring it over." He smiles at her.

Beth hands him a picture frame. "I was thinking you could put a picture of your wife and kid in there...oh wait. You don't have those things do ya? Well I guess you can just use Rick's wife and son. You pretend their yours anyway."

Shane looks down at the picture-less frame sadly as Beth left the room. He throws the frame and watches as it shatters against the wall then kicks his bed angrily. The camera then pans over to Hershel who's standing by Shane's door snickering.


	10. Chapter 10 Garden Snake

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Garden Snake **

Lively producer Lilly narrates what's to come on the latest episode of The real world Walking dead. "The cameras in the walking dead house roll day and night, they don't stop filming for anything, and a gold mind of action is caught on film."

In the middle of the night Daryl lets out a holler under his bed covers, "ouch! What you biting me for, you think yous a walker now huh?" Daryl teases as giggles from Michonne are heard before Daryl adds. "Do it again."

Merle holds up a flash light clicking it on and off as he aims it at Daryl and Michonne under the moving covers. "Clicky, clicky! What you doing under there baby brother?"

Beth sneaks into Daryl's room saying she wants a sleep over. Daryl folds the covers back shaking his head as Michonne sits up sighing, "Beth this aint a good time." He says.

Beth ignores Daryl and climbs into the bed, then snuggles in between Daryl and Michonne. Andrea comes in wanting to cuddle with Merle and Rick rushes in after her, needing Daryl's room to hide more supplies for the group.

"Naw, Naw everybody get out, get the **beep** out of here!" Daryl shouts.

Beth whines before she pets an angry Michonne's hair.

"I'm gettin' my **beepin'** crossbow and if all y'all aint out by the time I load it-"

"Haha, little bro's gettin hyper, must be all that brown sugar he's been lickin on all night." Merle makes a creepy tongue gesture towards Michonne who finally gets up and walks out of the room.

Daryl springs up to look for his crossbow.

"He always gets like this when he don't get to finish, should we leave you alone for the night Darline." Merle teased before everyone began to chuckle.

Carl pops out from under the bed and everyone is silent.

"Wait a minute, was Carl here the whole time?" Beth wondered out loud.

"Where's the candy-" Carl questions.

"If yah want some chocolate she just left." Merle yelled out before the boy shrugged and walked out of the room.

"I hate the **beeping** house." Daryl muttered.

A few hours later in the morning, Shane is at it again finding another excuse to but heads with Rick.

"Alright Shane, you need to back off."

"Make me!" Shane puffed before getting into Rick's face. With a sigh, Rick moved Shane back a bit before Shane yelled out in pretend pain and threw himself against the wall, smashing the lamp and shelf in the process.

"I... but I barley touched him?" Rick said looking towards the camera man recording the insolent.

"Ahh, did you see that, he attacked me and threw me against the wall, this man is dangerous and unstable!" Shane yells into the camera lens.

The camera points back at Rick who has his hands up defense. Suddenly, the sound of a loud bang from Shane forces the camera man to look back at him and his suddenly bloody nose.

"See, he got the jump on me a punched me in the face!" Shane screams pointing to his nose.

Rick sighed off screen. "Now I know you're lying, I wasn't even near you that time." Frustrated with Shane, Rick can't get away soon enough.

**Karen "The...?"**

Karen walks intro the house taking a deep sigh of relief, thrilled to be away from the insane Phillip and some skinny brunette with a nagging for house work. She steps into the house seeing Rick walk past her. "Hey there, I'm Karen."

"Are you a producer or something? I already told that Lilly woman I don't have anymore weapons under my bed."

"No I'm the new roommate, Karen."

Rick just stares at her. "Ok? See you around Kathrine."

He walks off.

"Its Karen!" She yells back.

Some time later while out in the back yard, Rick pops his head out from the bushes, startling the couple hidden in the foliage.

"What the **beep** Rick, I nearly killed you-" Daryl says lowering his crossbow.

"Hey now, I know y'all are doing your thang, but don't roll into my crops... "

"Fine whatever, just go!" Daryl rushes.

"This is my garden, and I ain't leavin, I'll give you two some privacy... but I aint done tending to the plants yet."

Rick pokes his head back in before Daryl pulls aside the bushes to see Rick gone.

"Where'd he go... man whatever?" Daryl sighs before grinning and grabbing Michonne, pulling her into a heated kiss.

hiss...hiss...hissss

Daryl pulls from the kiss. "Is that a snake?"

Michonne reaches for her katana then sighs hearing more hissing. "That aint no real snake, that's **beeping** Rick."

"Don't mind me I'm just a little garden snake... I protect the garden-"

"What the **beep** Rick, are you still hidden in the plants?!" Daryl questions.

"Naw, I'm one with the garden Daryl... I can never leave... now just get back to what you two were doing... hiss... hiss."

"Dammit Rick, you aint no dam snake!"

At the end of the day, Daryl and Michonne walk out into the backyard hand in hand. The two have had a long day with frustrating results but just being around each other puts a smile on their faces. Daryl takes a seat on one of the lawn chairs while Michonne makes herself comfortable on his lap. Its night out and the moon is full. Michonne leans her head against Daryl's smiling up at the sight while Daryl wraps his arms around Michonne holding his girl close.

Merle stumbles upon his baby brother in a quiet moment with Michonne and it gets him thinking about his relationship with Andrea.

"That's it woman, we done."

Andrea looks over at him showing how little she cares. "Done with what Merle?" she humors him.

"You and me. That's it. We aint in this relationship no more."

"Ok." She shrugs.

"What you mean, ok? That all I git, ok?!"

"Merle what did you think this was? I was only with you because I was bored."

A camera man sneaks up behind a laughing Michonne and Daryl still out in the back yard together. The camera man waves for the boom man to hurry up so that they can catch some audio.

"Daryl, how deep are we getting ourselves into this."

Daryl gets a little nervous. "I'll go with whatever you want Chonne"

"I wanna know what you want."

"I don't want this to end."

Michonne smiles, "me either."

A loud gun shot is heard from the inside the house followed by a slue of profanities from Merle. Michonne gets up from Daryl's lap and runs into the house with him.

"Merle! Merle!" Daryl yells searching around the house with Michonne in toe, "I''ll check upstairs," she calls to Daryl who nods his head and rushes to check the downstairs rooms. Michonne searches through the hallway to see Andrea with a gun in her hands, "Andrea what did you do?"

Andrea happily jumps up and down seeing her friend. "Look Michonne I finally got a shot in."

Michonne then hears screaming and grunting and comes into view of Merle with a bullet in his arm.

Andrea's confessional. "Merle lost his goddam mind so I shot him. I don't know what else you want me to say. " Andrea says with an attitude. "He called me a whore and a rug muncher. He wanted to get shot."

Michonne and Andrea stare at Merle who's in complete agony while holding his bleeding arm. Andrea jumps seeing the newest house mate, "Meesh, who the hell is that?"

Michonne shrugs, "I don't know... she says she's the new roommate." Karen walks over to the two friends smiling with an attempt to introduce herself to Andrea.

"Andrea this is Kristen."

"Its Karen."

Michonne shrugs then walks off to get Daryl.

Carl walks out of his dad's room eating his pudding when he sees Karen walking down the hall. Carl pulls out his gun aiming it at Karen who jumps and puts her hands up, "Don't shoot!" She yells as Rick comes out of his room, "Carl... its alright, she's new to the group. Her name is Kelly."

Karen sighs and stomps her foot, "its Karen!"


	11. Chapter 11 Peanut Butter

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

******I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

******Peanut Butter**

In Rick's bedroom later in the day, the overhead camera shows Michonne and Carl playing cards on Carl's bed, while Rick is watching them with a smile.

Shane storms into Rick's bedroom. "Wheres the dam peanut butter Rick?!"

Rick stands up from sitting on his bed and looks at Shane. "I don't know Shane, I thought you ate it off. Shudda saved it for the group."

"Oh you think I'm stupid? You think I don't know you ate off all the dam peanut butter, or maybe you just think I'm a liar. Which one is it Rick?!"

"You stole the peanut butter just like you stole my life don't think I didn't notice."

Shane gets in Rick's face as Michonne hurries Carl out of the room and gets up from the bed. "I'm a better leader than you Rick, I'm a better father than you Rick, Lori thinks I''m a better-"

"Shane shut up!" Michonne shouts cutting him off, " All this over peanut butter?"

"-It aint the peanut butter, its the principal of the matter. I aint a liar!"

Footage from the outside of the walking dead house shows Carl seated on the roof swinging his legs, as he spoons scoops of peanut butter into his mouth.

Shane looks at Michonne then laughs, shaking his head as he is starring at Rick with disgust. "Lori aint been gone a few weeks man..."

"Aint nottin' going on between us!" Rick enforces.

"You need to get out." Michonne quickly demands.

Shane looks at Michonne. "Why don't you use that mouth for something more useful then talking?"

Daryl comes in aiming his crossbow at the back of Shane's head, "you don't talk to her like that."

"Oh look, its her little lapdog boyfriend. I was wondering when you'd sniff her out."

Michonne angrily unleashes her katana and points it at Shane. "He's eight times the man you will ever be."

Shane smirks, "What are you gonna do? Stab me? Huh Michonne. Come on then, do it. I dare you. I wanna see you try." Shane slaps the side of her Katana blade, "**beeping** stab me! There are cameras all around this place-"

Shane notices the camera man slipping out of the room. "Hey where you going?!" He yells.

A loud scream of pain is then heard from the room. Shane crawls out into the hall, holding his stomach as Daryl comes out after him and shoots him in the ass. Daryl sees the camera man, "hey don't film this."

The camera man waves a hand, "I'll erase this clip."

Michonne comes out standing next to Daryl. "I don't know how many crazies I'm going to have the stab in this house, I'm up to two now." She sighs.

Later that day, Daryl is walking through the house when he angrily comes upon Andrea. He's still furious about Merle being temporarily out of the house on account of Andrea putting a bullet in his arm. "Gimmie yo gun. You already shot my brother I aint letting you shoot anybody else."

"No Daryl, I can handle it."

"You don't even know how the safety works."

"I know how the safety works, it right here," Andrea fiddles with the gun before it goes off and grazes Daryl past the temple. Daryl stumbles back and holds the side of his head. "Dammit Andrea in the same spot too?!"

The footage then switches to Daryl's next whereabouts. He's sitting on Michonne's bed as she's carefully tending to his head wound. Before the camera can get to into the moment between Daryl and Michonne, a shocking display in another part of the house takes precedence.

Shane is seen stumbling towards the balcony before thinking back towards his numerous wounds.

"All these crazy people tryin to kill me, I'm lucky to still be alive... "

"Shane... is that you?" Shane turns around to see a female silhouette slowly approaching him before he shakes his head and turns away.

"Dammit I aint crazy, I'm not supposed to see illusions, Rick is-ahhh!"

The female shoves Shane over the balcony before he looks back up to her and gives a smile of hope. She grasps his hands and pins them to the edge of the railing.

Lori bends down and whispers "long live the leader" in Shane's face before peeling his hands off of the railing, as she watches him fall down towards his doom.

The group gathered around Shane's body as Beth began to nudge it with her foot.

"Someone in this group is responsible for this, and I wont rest until I find out who."

Rick looked around the placid group before he saw Lori standing right by Hershel.

"L-Lori is that your ghost?"

"Yes Rick and I know who killed Shane I... saw Daryl push him off of the balcony."

"What, naw that a load of **beep**, I didn't do **beep** to Shane!" Daryl looks around the room to see everyone doubting him except for Rick and Michonne.

"I know what I saw Rick, who do you believe more, your wife or... some rough neck."

"I'th rather be a rough neck than a lyin cold hearted **beep**!"

"Daryl, you don't talk to her ghost like that, you hear me... until we get this figured out I want you outside at all times away from the group... and you'd better keep out of my garden too, I'll know if you're hiden in there!"

"Your garden aint **beep** anyway, can't grow a single bush to save your life."

"Get out!" Rick command Daryl who sulks off. Michonne walked after him, but not before giving Rick's smirking wife a cold death glare.

Rick walks behind Michonne stopping her. "Michonne... you'll keep an eye on him right?"

"He didn't do it Rick... "

"But Lori ghost told me she saw him do it, the dead don't lie-"

"Rick, if Lori is a ghost, then tell me why everyone can see her?" Michonne points back at Lori who was making faces at Michonne.

Rick closes in on Michonne's face before whispering "It's a poltergeist Michonne, it's hauntin the house."

"If she's really a ghost than..." Michonne raises her katana,"this sword wont hurt her." Michonne turns around angrily starring Lori down as she comes towards her with her sword. Lori protests, "no stop her Rick, you're gonna anger my spirit. I'm gonna haunt you."

With a role of her eyes, Michonne grabs Lori's arm as Rick sternly looks on. As Michonne aims her katana at Lori's flailing arm Lori cries out to Rick.

"Rick, I aint a ghost, I, uh, got resurrected-its a miracle!"

Rick gasps as a grin of realization stretches across his face.

"So... if you die in this house, you get brought back to life?"

"Uh... sure?" Lori stammers as Michonne lets her go in shock of Rick's unawareness.

"Then I guess Daryl can stay, seeing as Shane is gonna pop back up any minute now. Michonne, get Daryl back and tell him the good news!" Michonne rolls her eyes and storms off.

Everyone leaves soon after and heads back into the house. Lori looks directly into the camera with her hands on her hips and sighs. "Ok now, so where's Carl?"


	12. Chapter 12 The Boss

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. Also, thank you so the reviews people.  
**

******I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'.  
**

******The Boss**

In the confessional room, Rick leans forwards out of the darkness and stares menacingly into the camera.

"I don't know who you people are. I don't know what you people want. If you're looking for Carl, I can tell you I don't know where he is. But what I do have are a very particular set of plants, plants I have acquired over a very long month of farming. Plants that will make you itchy until the very thought of becoming a walker, eases you out of the suffering I will create in your mind. If you let Daryl go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. I will use your body as fertilizer in my garden."

Rick leans back into the darkness, only the vague outline of his silhouette is caught by the camera as he whispers, "now take that straight to your leader."

After the forceful removal of Daryl, Michonne makes a deal with Producer Martinez to get him back in the house. The camera catches Michonne coming into her bedroom where Andrea, Merle, and Hershel are already inside waiting for her.

'What happened Meesh?" Andrea rushes to her side.

"They said they'd allow Daryl to return if..."

"If what?" Merle piped up.

"If I do a no holds barred confessional."

All three gasps in terror.

"Oh my god" Andrea shouts.

"Jesus." Hershel shakes his head.

"Well dam woman you gon' do it?" Merle asks in shock.

"I'd be crazy to not at least consider it." Michonne answers sadly.

"Meesh you can't do it. They'll be talking away your stealthy mystique. They'll make you..." Andrea dramatically turn to the camera lens "an open book."

The entire room gasps again.

"Well girlie if you gon' do this, you gon' need some practice." Merle says as he sets up a mock confessional room, where Michonne sits facing him, as he's beginning to interrogate her. "Alright woman, now tell us...what's your height?"

Michonne sits there stone faced.

"Michonne come on you can do this. It would mean saving Daryl." Andrea motivates.

Michonne frowns then takes a hard swallow. "5'7."

The room all lets out a sigh of relief.

"I feel so much closer to you now." Andrea says in amazement.

Karen's or Carmen's (the producers aren't sure) confessional. "Everyone in this house is crazy. Shane was attacked, most of the time Rick's having a transformation of who he is, Merle spends so much time carving a face into his bayonet, and Beth... bless her young heart but she's so rude."

Beth sits across from the table watching Karen as if she's waiting for the woman's head to blow off. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Beth just shrugs and casually responds. "I'm trying to figure out how you're important?"

Later on in the day Michonne decided to take matters into her own hands, after her and Merle overhear some of the questions the producers plan on asking. Even Merle doesn't blame her for opting out, so the two plan to get Daryl back themselves. Michonne and Merle have long escaped by the time Lilly is sent to find Michonne. Lilly and Martinez are pissed that the two escaped, and everyone in the house is quickly put on guarded lock down by the terminus security.

"The camera man runs up to Andrea forcing his lens into her face. "Where are they? We've been searching all over but Michonne and Merle are gone. We have no idea how they got out."

"Get that camera out of my face. Do you want me to shoot you?" Andrea screams.

He lowers his camera and starts to pace back and forth scratching his head. "You don't get it, if we don't get them back, if I can't catch most of the drama in the house, the boss is gonna be pissed."

"The boss?"

"The man who's held you all here, the man behind all this. The man using the craziness of the group as his own personal enjoyment."

"Who is this guy?!"

"I've said to much." The camera man runs off.

Away from the house at The Real World Walking Dead Headquarters, head producer Dale walks into the boss's room holding various video tapes in his hand. "I brought you all the tapes we have of Lori pushing Shane, even Daryl's alibi video. What are you going to do with them?" Dale asks as he's starring at the back of a chair. As the boss turns around, T-dog is revealed with a deep in thought look on his face. He gets up and strolls over to Dale, "I want the most drama I can get. Burn the Lori tapes, leaves Daryl's alibi video with me."

"You got it boss." Dale says leaving him Daryl's tape, then taking the rest of the footage with him out of the room.

T-dog chooses the moment to view the evidence of Daryl's exact whereabouts at the time Shane's of fall.

"Daryl every day we go through this...just keep still." Michonne says to a naked Daryl in a tub fill of dirt and suds. Michonne struggles to scrub him as he's flailing around and being difficult.

"Daryl we had an agreement, no sex without you being clean!" Daryl starts to bark around splashing while dodging Michonne scrub hand. "Daryl do you want the hose again?! Stay still or you'll get the hose again!"

T-dog looks at the footage with a freaked out stare, "what the fuck?"

After some contemplation T-dog decided to make a drastic decision. He calls in Dale again. As Dale shows up, T-dog is taking a few drags of a good Colombian cigar. "Send the enforcer after Merle and Michonne. Tell her to shoot on sight."


	13. Chapter 13 M&M and M

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.  
**

**M&M and M**

The camera man stays out of Andrea's way as he films her storming into the kitchen, covered in suds and water from being forced by Lori to do the laundry.

"The washing machine broke and I need to fix it." Andrea says to Rick before he nods and tells her that some tools are underneath the Kitchen sink.

"Now hold on a minute, a lady's hands shouldn't go anywhere near a set of tools, that is a man's job-Rick, go fix the machine for us baby."

"But Lori, Andrea's got it covered-"

"Come on sweetie, since that violent woman is gone now, we can set all the women here straight, women belong in the house and men do all the work-lets not set a bad example for our baby boy."

Rick attempts to speak in defense of Michonne after the "violent woman" statement struck a cord with him. "If Michonne were here-"

"What did you say-that woman is the complete opposite of everything I stand for, instead of settling down with a man, she wants to try and protect you-you Rick, a man-My man!"

"But Lori, that aint right, not all women think like you and Michonne had to protect herself and the people she loved... she protected me, Carl-"

"What the hell is so great about her?" Lori gets beyond annoyed by the mere fact that they are talking about this woman. "The stealth, her strength? Or is it her lean body is soooo completely in shape and yet still so curvacious." Lori ridicules with the swing of her bony hips.

Rick just stands there, imaging Michonne as Lori describes, with a naughty grin on his face.

"RICK!" Lori screams knocking him out of his trance. "Later on I'll be cooking dinner for you, me and Carl. And your gonna eat every bit of it. Its time to get this family back on track!" she storms off then yells, "and fix that washing machine!" Rick has a look of worry on his face and fears for his taste buds later on.

Carl is seen running into the kitchen and hiding himself underneath the cloth of the kitchen table.

"You never saw me, I'm not here." Carl says as Rick pulls up the covers and asks if he could hide with him too.

In the woods, T-dog thought ahead and rigged some cameras against the trees, so every interaction out in the wilderness would be caught on film.

Michonne is gripping various vines and chopping away at them with her katana, while Merle is watching her with laughter.

As Michonne lets out yet another sigh, she looks back at Merle in irritation.

"What?"

"Listen Chonne, I know you's a good tracker an all, but how 'bout we do something to get them **beep**ers off our trail."

"Like what?" Michonne replies back sarcastically, in an attempt to ignore her ill-mannered companion.

"Here's the plan... we strip off our clothes-butt naked and scatter them around theses here woods... they'll be too busy wondering what's up to track us."

Michonne side eyes him before she goes back to chopping away at the plants blocking her path.

"A stickler huh, fine, how 'bout this... we get naked, find some walkers and-"

"Is there a plan that doesn't involve us stripping?"

"Well Chonne, seeing them pretty hips of yours, oh natural is the best part of this here 'venture."

As Michonne rolls her eyes yet again, she suddenly shh's Merle and stops cutting away at the vines.

"I hear something... it sounds like static..."

"Ha, you going loony from all them hits you took from the bed head, or is it just the heat gettin to that dingy little brain of yours."

As Michonne turns around the leer down at the annoying male, a hand pries itself out of the bushes and grabs Michonne's shoulder. Michonne jumps away and swings her sword down but misses the arm as it retreats back into the foliage.

"Stop Michonne, it's me Morgan!"

"Hehe, well if it isnt little Ricky's playmate, nearly lost an arm there-"

"How did y'all get out of that house?" Morgan asks.

"We broke out. They took Daryl and we need to find him." Merle says.

"You two must be the one she's hunting then."

Merle pointed his bayonet towards the man in suspicion. "What you mean? Who hunting us?"

**Carol "Look at the flowers" Peletier aka The Enforcer**  
Carol crawls out of a make shift hunt in the woods. She pressed her index finger to her ear piece, hearing the demand from Dale via T-dog. She moves the stem of a flower behind her ear and smears two thick lines of war paint on her cheeks before she loads up on guns. She kisses her biggest gun that she affectionately named "Cherokee Rose" then smiles, moving through the woods seeing Merle, Morgan, and Michonne in the distance.

The camera feed goes on in the house, and spots everyone's favorite girl Lori.

Rick gave Lori a gun to protect herself. As she fiddles with it in the corner of the kitchen, Andrea walks by.

The frustrated blonde see's Lori playing with her gun and leers at Rick's wife with malice.

Lori does a double take at Andrea then back at the gun.

"You want this don't you, well take it, I can't stand the way you're looking at me!" Lori chucks the loaded gun at Andrea who dodges it before it lands behind her and goes off.

"What happened Andrea, I thought you wanted-"

"You crazy **beep**, who the **beep** throws a **beeping** gun at someone!"

Lori waves it off say "you need to calm down sweetie, nobody in this house can get hurt with my Rick around."

Carl waddles out holding his stomach saying that his tummy hurts before clasping on the ground.

"No, Carl get off my floor you're destroying all of mommy's hard work with your blood!"

Lori leans over Carl "This wouldn't of have happened if you were always in mommy's sight."

Andrea looks at Lori like the sociopath she is then calls for Hershel in a panic.

A few hours later, the camera man stops Hershel as he's walking down the hall, and questions about the blood on his hands.

"I'm not the only one in this house with a child's blood on their hands. If I hadn't saved Carl from Lori's stupidity, she'd be taken out of the house for murder."

"So you're saying that Lori is a danger to the people in this house?"

"Let's just say that even with two psychopaths in the house, we never had to worry about our children getting hurt. The only difference between Lori and Phillip is one of them aint married to Rick."

A few different hallway camera angels catches Rick wondering around the house in search of someone. As Rick is walking around he's noticing that all the lights are on, even in the rooms that are empty.

"What the hell, who left on all of the lights-Lori." Rick pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration before he smell's smoke from the kitchen.

"What's going on, are we under attack?"

"No honey, I'm just trying to make dinner, have you seen Carl, I made him desert?"

Lori points over towards a burnt plate of fried cake.

"Hey Lori, maybe you should do something else." He says softly as he rubs her back with affection.

"Well I already got Hershel to take the bullet out-"

Rick pulls his hand back and tilts his head in confusion. "Out of what?"

"Oh just Carl's belly, but never mind that, his organs are just fine... even when I aint holding a gun I'm a better shot that Andrea."

Back in the forest, the two escapees along with Morgan walk through the forest, its Michonne who finds a message on the ground.

"Daryl wrote us a note?" Merle wondered out loud.

Michonne side eyes him, "really? Daryl wrote us a note... Daryl." She stares at him like he's an idiot.

She looks down at the note as she read it out, "I can see you."

Michonne looks around then yells for the boys to duck. Merle is too slow and gets hit by a tranquilizer dart in the back, as actual bullets are blasting through the trees around them. Michonne carries Merle with his arm around her shoulder, as Morgan does the same on his end and runs out of Carol sight with a limp Merle through woods.

Merle's leaning his head on Michonne shoulder drooling and slurs, "Dam literature almost got us killed!"

Morgan, Michonne and a tranquilized Merle are at the end of their rope, as they stand at the foot of a waterfall before she hears a rustle in the distance.

"**Beep!**" Michonne swears before dropping Merle on the ground and readying her katana.

Merle points to the bushes and say "Michoaah brushes, der brushes!"

"Shut up I know...!" She scowls before looking down at Merle and dragging him towards the waterfall.

"We have to make a jump for it." She sheathes her katana in front of a wriggling and freaked out Merle.

"Yag cazy, norrre!" Merle's speech is still slurred and his body limp from the dart from Carol's gun, Merle struggles to stand on his own two feet but the moment he does another trank dart hits him in the shoulder sending him tumbling backwards over into the raging river, as his muffled voice broke out into shrill yell as he was carried towards the waterfall.

Merle manages to stop his complete fall down the waterfall by using his trusted bayonet to hook onto some debris near the land. Michonne is dodging bullets and lunges out to grab Merle.

"Marsshhonee heeerp mehaa!" Merle's good hand waved towards Michonne who is trying to reach over to grab Merle's waving hand."Just hold on a little longer... dammit!" Michonne is then grabbed by Morgan and pinned behind a tree and cannot move to get Merle. "Morgan let go!" She screams then the two duck as Carol is blasting the ground around them forcing them to stay behind the tree, as it's bark served for a temporary shield.

"Wragh... you birrrgh!" Merle cries out towards their attacker, who shot Merle's arm with another tranquilizer, causing him to go limp once more and fall down the waterfall.

As Michonne is about to jump in after him, Morgan is darted in the neck, she catches him so that he doesn't have such a hard fall to the ground but she also uses his body as a cover.

Michonne then feels something hard at Morgan's side and reaches in pulling out a walkie talkie.

Back at the headquarters T-dog and Dale are watching the action on a large monitor. They snack on beer and popcorn, there eyes glued to the screen watching the drastic events unfold. "This shows starting to turn into an episode of survivor. " Dale says as T-dog looks over at him with an agreeable nod and takes another sip of his beer.


	14. Chapter 14 Slap Happy

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Slap Happy  
**

After staying with Carl all night, a tired Rick walks into his bedroom when suddenly he hears his walkie talkie creating static. He quickly yanks it up thinking he'd hear from Morgan. "Morgan! Are you alright? Over."

"Rick its me Michonne. Over."

"Michonne where are you? Over."

"I'm in the woods and I need your help..." Michonne jumps as the ground around her lights up with Carol's enthusiastic bullets.

"Michonne! Michonne!" He screams into the walkie talkie then rushes out of his bedroom tripping over a camera man. He angrily finds Marteniez and grabs him pinning a gun to his temple. "WHERE ARE OUR PEOPLE?!"

Martinez wails. "I don't know what your talking bout man."

"Michonne's being shot at in the woods. You tell me where she is right **beep**ing now!" Rick screams into Martinez's ear.

Martinez isn't giving up information, so Rick shoots at the hallway camera blocking out footage before his pursuit in gaining Intel on Michonne's whereabouts.

Rick rushes out of the house to see Lori already in the car, she pokes her head out to see Rick before she drives the car right into Rick's garden.

Lori's confessional. "I've tried everything to get him to yell at me... to give me some sort of, I don't know? Rush." Lori complains into the camera as she ponders different scenarios that could get Rick upset in the future.

"Um, don't you think it's a bit unhealthy to want Rick to... harm you?" The camera man uncomfortably questions.

"Listen, I don't tell you how to get your jollies, so don't judge me okay... maybe I should go after what he cares for the most... a precious life which he has taken such care of... yesss, I'll snuff out the symbol of his hope and happiness."

The camera man doesn't even speak as he's growing more uncomfortable.

"Rick is just so calm, it can be so infuriating sometimes... I've seen him yell at other women, so why not me? What makes them so special?!" Lori sighs before getting up and leaving the confessional room.

"Noooooo!" Rick stumbles towards his ruined patch of happiness before he collapses on the hood of the car.

"I guess a woman's place isn't behind the wheel of a car, is it Rick?"

"Loooorrrriiiiii!" He screams in anger.

Suddenly Beth pops out from the back seat and grabs Lori's shoulder, shocking her out of the car, as she assumes it's a walker. As Lori rushes out of the car she backs right towards Andrea who is waiting.

"Hurry up and grab her!" Beth commands as Andrea tackles Lori towards the ground.

"Beth... but why-" Lori screams.

Beth gets out of the car and looks at Rick. "Go to her Rick, we'll deal with this."

Rick nods before jumping into the car, as the vision of his garden fuels his anger, he pull away from his fallen plants and drives straight through the gates.

"How dare you take charge, a woman isn't supposed to-"

Beth sucks her teeth. "Shut up **beep**, there's a new Sharif in town. Now gag her, we gotta hold down the fort while Rick is gone!"

Back in the woods, Carol's team of child soldiers are on the job.

"Alright Mommy we see the target heading towards us, initiating capture."

Sophia whispered into the head piece before pointing towards Lizzy and Mika then towards the river. With a nod, the two sisters crate a lasso and throw it over Merle's flailing hand to retrieve him.

"How come you get to call her mommy and we can't?!" Lizzy whined as she and her sister drags Merle towards land.

"Uhhh... because I can!" Sophia pointed towards a tree and told Mika to tie him there.

"Now my friend has a new playmate, huh Billy?!" Lizzie says to a walker, tied adjacent to the tree Merle is now being bound to. The walker swipes at Mika's head just as she's walking out of it's reach.

Merle began to struggle and shout out for help. "unh tir meh-heerrrpppp! Misssonneee!"

"Shut up!" Lizzy slapped him across the face, making everyone stare at her in fear and confusion.

"Uh, Lizzy, he's tied up, you don't need to slap him-"

"Yurrrp, yarrr crrrasyy-"

"I said shut up!" Lizzy slapped him even harder before eying his bayonet. Bending down to pry it off of his arm, she begins to poke him with it.

"Chill out Lizzy, we need him alive remember?!" Sophia sighs as Lizzy's sister, Mika, tries to lead her away from Merle's squirming and limp body.

"Look Lizz, your walker friend looks sad, maybe you could play with him instead?" Mika says.

"Sure let's play fetch..." Lizzy smirked before she walked back towards Merle with his bayonet in one hand and a tranquilizer dart in the other.

"We can use this guy as the stick, cut him loose Mika..."

Mika and Sophia looked at each other with a hint of worry and annoyance as Lizzy began to tie a single rope around Merle's ankle.

"Don't worry, if he gets to far, I'll just pull on this rope..." Lizzie then speaks to a helpless Merle. "My friend back there needs some exercise and his rope is just a few inches shorter than yours... if you can out run him... then you win- "

"Look Lizzy, a bunny!" Mika shouts out in an attempt to distract her sister while Sophia calls Carol. Like her mother, Lizzy was yet another loose cannon.

"Mommy, we've captured the target... but we've come across a bit of a problem-"

"Lizzy wants to play with him. Carol speaks back to Sophia via her ear piece. "We'll as long as he stays in one piece, I don't see the harm in a little game of tag, besides you children need to enjoy your childish games while you can, have fun honey."

Sophia presses down on her ear piece, "we'll get a new playmate later anyway... that samari woman looks pretty fast... good luck on your end mommy."

Out of nowhere Daryl emerges and is witness the insane display of his captured brother surrounded by three little girls. "Merle is that you, whta the hell is goin' on, why you tied up for?"

Sophia gawks back at Daryl who suddenly spots her too.

"Sophia... is that you... I can't believe I finally found you-ha, suck it Rick! I told him I could do it."

Daryl knelt down before opening him arms to a slowly approaching Sophia.

"Deeerrrrl, yarg idooooot, ruuuuhhhn!" Merle's slurs out as Lizzy slaps him again.

Daryl turns around to reprimand Lizzy before Sophia closes in on him and kicks him in the crotch. As he crumbles into the fetal position she continues her attempt to destroy his family jewels.

"Tie him up with his brother, now we've got double the bounty on our end!" Sophia yells pulling her foot from Daryl.

As Mika begins to tie up Daryl, Lizzy stabs Daryl with a tranquilizer dart, then slaps him in the face.

"Dammit Lizzy, stop slapping people!" Sophia cries out in frustration.

"I can't help it... the life force of living things... oh, how it annoys me!" Lizzy laughed before she looked back at Merle and Billy, then down at the bayonet blade.

"Now, let's see if your big brother can outrun my Billy, let the chase begin!"

With a sigh, Sophia leaves and tells Mika to keep an eye on the situation while she contacts her mother, Carol.

"Mommy, mommy where are you? She's not picking up, something went wrong..." Sophia whispered before she yelled out towards the two sisters, "change of plans, something's happened to mommy and we need to find her... she could be in the hands of the enemy."

"Oh no, like Penny was... we gotta get her... after she turns." Lizzy whispered the last part before Daryl kick out to get her attention.

"You knew Penny?" Daryl wondered how she could of known The Governor's daughter.

"Yeah, her and I used to play hide and seek, it was fun until her dad kept locking her away, but I would always spring her free again... maybe that's why he thought she was still alive for so long, haha."

A few minuets earlier, elsewhere in the woods the camera records the showdown between Carol and Michonne. "Look at the flowers Michonne." Carol said from her pinned down position below Michonne.

"Yeah, like I'll fall for that-whoa!"

Michonne dodges a walker that emerges from the flowers before something trapped her foot and caused her to fall. Carol had used her legs to trip Michonne and now she begins to kick the samari with one leg while her other leg interlocked with one of Michonne's.

"I told you to look didn't I?!"

"Ow, dammit, I don't have time for this **beep**!" Michonne grunts.

Michonne used the side of her blade to whip Carol's leg free of her own before piecing the walker who's limp corpse fell on top of her.

In a moment of Michonne being distracted by the walker falling on her, Carol reaches out for the trank gun. Michonne also reaches for the gun and manages to get a hold of it first then quickly shots Carol in the shoulder and neck.

"Heh, that poison wont take effect for at least aaahhhhhh..." Carol's whole body went limp as she fell towards the ground with a thud. As Michonne considered finishing her off, the ear piece came alive and Daryl's voice comes on.

"Carol, is that you, I found Sophia!"

"Wellll nooooo **beeeep**!" Carol screamed out as she attempted to squirm away from Michonne who steps on her back to prevent her form getting away.

"Daryl, it's Michonne, where are you?"

"Sorry Chonne for makin you worr-ow, little brat, quit kickin me! I said quit it, I'll turn the chock hold into a sleeper faster than you can say-whao, where'd you come from?!"

Michonne hears the ear piece go out for a moment "Daryl... Daryl..."

"Good job Mika... " Sophia says then speaks into the ear piece. "Oh and Michonne... you're next!" Sophia's voice fizzled off form the line as Michonne leered down at Carol who was grinning up at her.

"That's my girl!" Carol slurs.


	15. Chapter 15 The Stand Off

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**The Stand Off**

Michonne doesn't notice how woozy she's getting as she had Carol by the arm, bound and gagged for their stroll back to Morgan. Michonne stops in her tracks seeing Rick and Morgan embracing in a soothing hug as Rick is rubbing Morgan's back with the yearning affection of a lover.

"What the hell is up with these too?" She thinks to herself before she walks towards the men and clears her throat loudly. Watching them pull apart, Morgan and Rick stare questionably at Michonne with a captured Carol.

"Rick how did you find us?" She questions.

"Well as fate would have it, I saw a walker who looked just like Lori, so I drove my car into it... who would have guessed you were in the area."

She feels she has limited time for pleasantries. "We're going back to the house. Carol is working for whoever is in charge and we can use her as a bargaining chip to get Daryl back."

Rick nods his head as Morgan takes Carol from Michonne, seeing how drowsy Michonne appears to be. Michonne sends a thankful nod Morgan's way as he then stuffs Carol into the back seat. Michonne walks after him followed by Rick.

"Whoa, wait-Michonne you got hit!"

"What, where-pull it out!"

"It's uh... in a very particular place... you don't feel it?"

"Ugh, just pull the damn thing out, it must not be that deep if I can't feel the effects."

"Well alright... uh, bend over and hold still-"

"What... fine!"

"It's in your but cheek I just gotta wiggle it a little then pull it out... it might hurt-"

"Just pull it-owwwww!" Michonne leans up rubbing her bottom and looking at Rick with the dart.

Michonne hears Carol's mumbled laughter and turns to her. "Really Carol, you just had to shoot me in the **beep**?"

"Dam, little bastard was in deep." Rick smirks at the little dart before looking down at Michonne's butt. "We still got more time, maybe I should check you for more?"

"No that's ok, Rick."

Morgan comes over to Rick and Michonne. "I'll still have my walkie talkie on me at all times, Rick keep yours handy. If I see anything out here, I'll let you two know."

Michonne smiles at Morgan, "thanks for helping."

Morgan nods then Michonne walks to the car giving Rick and Morgan another tearful farewell, the broke back mountain vibes are strong.

Various cameras are scrambling to catch an exciting new development at the house. Andrea rushes through camera men fumbling out of her way while she's marching through the hall, followed by the remaining members of the house, including a more tolerable Lori.

"We're on lock down, most of the group is gone. Hershel its just me, you, Beth, useless Lori and Kimberley here. We need to prepare ourselves."

"You do know my name is Karen right?"

"Whatever." Andrea rolls her eyes.

"We should just wait until the men get back. Let them handle it. " Lori says

Andrea sighs. "Lori, I'm gonna need you to take your **beep** back to the 50s."

Andrea breaks into Rick's room and raids his closet for weapons, she hands Hershel a larger gun then takes two smaller ones for herself then hands a gun to Kimberley/Karen and an additional one to Beth.

"We're breaking out, if anyone tries to stop us, get your aim right and shoot." Andrea commands as she's leading the group towards the front door.

Lori raises her hands as Andrea is trying to pas her a gun. "Wait! Okay. We're women, we're not supposed to be playing around with guns!"

"Then your **beep** is just going to have to get shot then!" The blonde says showing the little concern she has for Lori before looking over at everyone in the group. "Now lets move!"

Andrea's confessional. "So I told Hershel before hand if anybody on the opposite side needs to be shot, he has to be the one to pull the trigger. Because I am soooo terrible with a gun."

Andrea bursts through the front door as she and the small group stand before 50 Terminus guards aiming guns at them. Lilly comes out amongst the ranks. "Andrea, were gonna need you to get the group back into the house!"

Andrea aims her gun at Lilly, "we're in this house for a reason. Y'all need us. You wont shoot any of us!" Lilly pulls out a gun and shoots Karen/Kimberly in the head. "You still wanna play hard ball Drea?"

"You think that scares me? She was literally a stranger to us!"

Rick runs into the back yard with Michonne in toe as she's pulling Carol with her. The three find the gauntlet being thrown between Andrea and Lilly, and Rick aims his gun at the female producer, the showdown now turns into a negotiation between Rick and Lilly.

"Lilly, you can end all this..."

"What do you want Rick?!"

"Daryl back, and Merle, safe and sound. And in return you'll get Carol back!"

"We don't really need Merle back right?" Andrea calls out.

Rick side eyes Andrea as Lilly is speaking into her earpiece. T-dog knows how crazy the group can be and wont allow anything to happen to Carol. "Ok, the boss has made a deal. You can have the Dixons back but you must disarm and get back into the house. Send Carol over."

"How the hell can we trust you?"

"There's room now, with Karen dead." Rick looks to Michonne who shoves at Carol to walk.

"Wasn't her name Katie?" Lori wonders.

"No it was Kimberley" Andrea insists.

"Wasn't it Kyle?" Rick asks.

Andrea rolls her eyes. "That's not even a woman's name Rick!"

"You sound real sexiest right now, girls can have guys name too!" Rick defends.

"But that wasn't her name it was Kimberley."

Michonne rolls her eyes. "Its Kristen are you all crazy?"

Lilly sighs, "everyone it was literally Karen."

Rick shrugs his shoulders, "eh whatever."

"So it's settled then, we can put our guns down, because my wrist is killing me?" Lori complains then tossed the gun towards the side before it made contact with the ground, setting it off.

Suddenly the tranquilizer dart finally takes affect on Michonne and Rick hears her falling to the ground behind him, but he thinks she's been shot. "Michonne!"

In a confused rage, he aims his gun at Lilly and begins to fire off his gun at her people.

"Nooooo!" Rick shouts out before his group rush over to to stop him.

"Rick, stop, they didn't even fire at us!" Lori screams.

Rick pries himself away from his group before he runs over towards Michonne's still body.

"Michonne... not you, anyone but you-"

Everyone looks back at Lori with a glare as she sighs and says "Oh come one, she's not even dead, I didn't even shoot anyone this time!"

The camera then pans over to Hershel sitting on the ground holding his bleeding ankle.

"I want that woman out of this house!"


	16. Chapter 16 Michonne's Pregnancy

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Michonne's Pregnancy**

Michonne's been locked away in the bathroom with her head over the toilet for most of the morning. The vomiting doesn't seem to let up. Andrea is in there with her, holding her dreads out of the way as she looks down at her friend sadly.

Lori's confessional. "It serves Michonne right. All them loud nights of her and Daryl carrying on like a bunch of christian virgins on their wedding night. While Rick is unable to give a simple pump. It just aint fair! I'm glad this happened to her. Lets see how much fun Daryl can have when she's shaped like a beach ball."

Andrea is displeased to see Lori entering the bathroom and rubbing on Michonne's back. Michonne can only groan in disdain, as boney hands are clawing at her spine. "Oh Michonne I bet now you wish you woudda been more careful. You're gonna get so fat and immobile." Lori sees her katana and slowly drags it from the floor, "I shouldn't even let you have this sword anymore, swinging this thing around, you'll endanger yourself and the baby."

"Lori get out, you have no idea what your talking about!" Andrea scolds.

Lori ignores Andrea and makes a false attempt of cheering Michonne up. "Don't worry, pushing out that baby will be the most excruciating moments of your life, all that pain and screaming, at least you'll have a lot to look forward too." Lori pats Michonne on the back with a spiteful grin, then leaves. Andrea follows after her grabbing Michonne's sword from her skeletal grip. "Don't come back in this room again!"

"Andrea, being a guard dog looks lovely on you. If only you could wash a proper plate."

As Lori strolls out of the room sporting a self satisfying grin, she jumps seeing a camera man in her face who starts up a conversation in light of recent footage, he was scarred by in the editing room.

Footage of Rick's bedroom shows a sighing Lori making lifeless motions on top of a naked rick in bed. She's rolling her eyes and yawning as Rick is flipping to the next page of his reading material. He seems to hardly notice that he's having sex, much less that Lori's attempt at love making is a bit half-assed.

"Huh, ow, damn Lori, no more for the rest of the month, you're bones are startin to hurt my sides, besides... I need to finish the book Morgan left behind... it's got pictures of flowers in it... wanna look at it-"

"No Rick, I don't wanna look at your stupid book!" Lori snarls as she rolls off of Rick and glares at the wall.

Rick looks back at Lori before he curls away from Lori and takes out a picture of Morgan that was hidden away in the pages. "Soon." He whispers before he closes the book and blissfully falls asleep.

"Whatever... at least I can sleep in peace-"

Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall, Lori's head is assaulted with a headboard banging against the wall and loud obscenities.

"Yeah Chonne, Ride it! Yeaahhh!"

Lori eyes bug open before she covers her ears while staring at the ceiling. "I hate the **beep**ing house."

"Heee, oohhhhh, yeaahhhh!" Daryl shouts out before Lori begins to silently cry.

In present time, the camera man starts to bait at getting some answers out of Lori. "Lori, are you even happy with Rick... if you want, you can get whatever you're feeling off your chest."

"Like what?" Lori asks, completely devoid of any original thought.

"Well, what exactly do you look for in a man?"

"I want a man who's rough and stern, who knows how to put me in my place-If I'm acting like a **beep**, he'll call me a **beep**, hell, I want him to reduce me to a pet on a short leash-"

"Um Lori... that's the complete opposite person that Rick is." the camera man says in concern.

Elsewhere in the house Merle is taking his seat in the confessional chair. Out of curiosity, the camera man asks about his feelings towards his brother's relationship with Michonne.

"It aint my place to tell Daryl were he can stick his pride and joy, but that there woman is a total nut job sometimes, always tryin' to kill meh for the littlest things. She act like I'm offensive or somethin'."

"So, you don't like her?"

"I'm just sayin' she aint my type, I like a woman who knows her place and cooks day and night, I'll make her my little pet and call her a little **beep** while I'm at it-"

Andrea comes out of her bedroom and looks down the hall to see Lori walking into the kitchen. But what really captures Andrea's attention is the cute camera guy messing around with his camera in the corner. The poor guy was still reeling from his uncomfortable interview with Lori. Andrea brushes her hair from her shoulders and adjusts her shirt to bare a little more cleavage before she strolls over to him. "So, am I ever going to get your name?"

"Bob. Bob Stookey."

The camera man nervously lifts his camera and focuses his lens up at Andrea who's shamelessly giving him the eye.

Andrea smiles and moves his camera aside causing the footage to film at a blank white wall, but their little conversation is still overheard.

"So when are you not on the job? I know I could use a pair of strong hands like yours while I'm in the bath tub."

The camera overhears Bob's nervous giggle.

"Oh am I making you uncomfortable Mr. Camera man."

Later in the day, Michonne can't get out of bed so Lori takes it upon herself to make some intentionally disgusting food for the ill house mate.

"Here you need to eat. When I was pregnant I had the weirdest cravings. " Lori shoves a plate of Ice cream, pickles and ketchup at Michonne. A dish so unsavory Michonne leans over and throws up into the garbage can at the side of her bed. The overhead camera zooms in on Lori, who is quietly snickering.

Daryl rushes to Michonne's door with Merle, after hearing she's been having morning sickness. Michonne had always made sure, that not only was Daryl scrubbed clean, but they there were responsible in matters of contraception. So a possibly baby had taken the wind out of him. Daryl knocks on the door but its Andrea that comes out.

"What do you want Dixon?"

"Is she alright? I need to see her." Daryl pleads.

"After what you did to her this morning? No way."

Andrea goes back into the room slamming the door shut.

"Open up, that's my kin in there." He screams at the shut door.

"Dam would you look at this? I'm gonna be an uncle of one of dem swirl babies." Merle laughs.

Later that day, Andrea is in her bathroom soaking in the tub as like clock work, she hears a soft knocking on her cracked open door. "Come in" she said in delight buried in a mist of bubbles. Bob peers at her in the tub through his camera lens, as she raises a leg in the air and playfully splashes some suds in his direction. "You gonna have to drop a lotta fabric and that camera if your gonna join me in this tub." The camera then cuts to black.

As Michonne finally gathers the strength and will power to step out of her room, tightly holding the door knob for balance, Rick sees her and tries to help his sickly comrade. "Michonne what are you doing up? You need to rest in your condition."

"No Rick, I need to move around, I hate just laying there."

Rick kindly takes Michonne's hand allowing her to use him as an extra anchor for balance. She smiles at him and he smiles back wishing he could do more for her.

"You just need some company, I could have Carl come to see you."

"Carl's under my bed, he says he's hiding from Lori."

"I'm supposed to be doing the same thing."

"Is this like a game of family hide and seek?"

"No."

Michonne laughs causing another smile to form across Rick's face.

The camera man pans away from Rick and Michonne briefly to film in the distance an angry Merle watching the two friends. The wheels start to turn in the most unfortunate of ways in the redneck's train of thought. He knew he couldn't trust that women and now he thinks he sees why.

"Do you need anything?" Rick asks.

"Maybe just some water, I really don't think I can make it all the way to the kitchen."

"Don't worry, I've got some water stashed away under my bed-I'll go get it, you hold tight Michonne."

Merle watches as Rick releases Michonne's hand before walking down the hall towards his room. As Rick's out of sight, a paranoid Merle storms up to an unsuspecting Michonne.

"I knew you was a whore and that dam bastard in yo belly aint no Dixon aint it!"

"What are you talking about?" Michonne asks in shock.

"The baby you carrying."

"What baby? I'm only sick because of what Daryl feed me this morning."

Footage is provided of Daryl's journey of making breakfast for him and Michonne. "Dammit, where all the damn milk go?!" Daryl slams to fridge door closed before he looks over at his two bowls of cornflakes lying dry on the table.

"Naw, **beep** this, I'mma make my own milk!"

Daryl grabs his cross bow and dashes outside, hunting for any female mammal he could get his hands on.

"Hell yeah, a pregnant opossum, she's just as much a mammal as a cow right... better catch it alive, that way the milk will be fresh."

Daryl easily catches the baby bloated rodent before he carries the wriggling beast inside and plops it belly up on the counter.

"You stop your damn wriggling..." He cries out to the rodent before hold it up by the tail and holds up a bowl of flakes.

"Now... how am I gonna get this milk... aw hell, I'll just have to suck it out and spit it in the bowl right... she wont mind, aint like we've never shared saliva before-now hold still you little** beep**!"

"Um Mr. Dixon, we just brought some fresh milk, It'll be here tomorrow-" One of the producers tell the man as he is finally done with the traumatized rodent and sets it free.

"Naw, I only want the best for Michonne, aint no way I'm serving my girl some dry corn flakes and I aint waiting a whole nother day neither!"

Daryl walks to Michonne holding a bowl of cereal as he hands it to her.

"Thanks Daryl, but I thought we were out of milk." Michonne wondered before scooping a mouthful of it into her mouth.

"It's alright I made my own milk... there was a pregnant opossum outside, had to wrestle her for every drop."

Michonne put the bowl down with a traumatized look on her face.

"I don't think milk can have rabies in it, that **beep** was foamin' at the mouth too, but she put up a hell of a fight, shows she's healthy so the milk musta been good-but I aint no vet neither... maybe Hershal knows."

The footage returns to the present confrontation between Merle and Michonne, now interrupted by Daryl.

Daryl comes up behind Merle yelling, "If you call my girl a whore again I'll beat your **beep** into the ground!"

Merle is stunned by Daryl's livid defense of Michonne and acts in a retreating display. "How you gon' get mad at me? I was just sticking up for ya baby brother."

"I told you Michonne wasn't like that and you still acted a **beep!**"

"I'm sorry alright!"

"If you ever insult her again, I'll kick you outta this house myself!"

Daryl carefully takes Michonne's hand and leads her outside for some fresh air.

The outdoor cameras catch the couple entering the backyard, followed by a camera man and the accompany sound person, tip toeing behind the unsuspecting couple.

"Thanks for sticking up for me in there. How much did you hear?"

"The whole thing." Daryl looks down. "I know you aint pregnant but...if you want a baby we could get you one."

Michonne laughs, "yea we'll just go to the store and pick one up."

Michonne looks at Daryl and realizes he wasn't trying to be funny.

"Daryl for right now I want it to be just the two of us...a while from now we'll revisit this ok?"

He looks at her with a nod just as he's hit in the head by the boom mike. Turning around he shoves at the sound guy. "I'm tired of y'all creeping up on us and **beep!** Better yet give me that **beep**ing camera!"

Daryl gets up in a huff and grabs the now shaky and distorted camera lens. Soon a loud splash into the swimming pool is heard as the camera man crashes into the water after being thrown in by Daryl.


	17. Chapter 17 The book of Morgan

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**The book of Morgan**

Lori is in the kitchen watching Andrea doing the dishes with the stare of a dictator. As Merle comes stomping in, he looks at Lori like a stranger and realizes he's never said one word to this woman before. "You officer friendly's wife?"

Lori looks at him and nods folding her arms across her chest.

"You friendly with anybody else?" Merle slowly licks his lips at her as his eyes are drooping with perversion.

"I'm not gonna take you talking to me like that. I'm a married woman."

"You gon' take whatever I got to give."

"Is that right?"

"You bet your sweet **beep** it is."

Andrea turns around with the ultimate _what the fuck_ face switching glances between the odd flirtatious pair. "Are you flirting with Lori?" Andrea asks Merle with disgust in her voice.

"This aint got nothing to do with you, get back to the dishes." Lori demands.

"No, Andrea you get out. Lori you gon' finish dem dishes and me and you gon' talk some more." Merle commands.

Lori hides a blushing smile and fans her heated neck as Merle's behavior is nothing but a turn on. Lori bumps Andrea out of the way causing Andrea to hold her hip in pain before the blonde rolls her eyes leaving the room. Lori resumes washing the remaining dishes with Merle tangling his fingers within her straight hair.

"Aint you curious?"

"About what?" she smiles at him.

"What I can do one handed. I'm sure its a hell of a lot more then officer friendly's been doing?"

Lori is bright red in the cheeks and giggles as Merle sleazily blows into her ear.

A hallway camera catches Andrea as she corners a limping Martinez, "alright where is he?"

"Where is who?"

"Bob Stocky, the camera man, he's gone. Did you guys git rid of him for being with me?"

"No no, it turns out Bob is this really good medic and he's been promoted. He's treating Hershel's ankle in another house. Sorry Andrea."

As Martinez hobbles off Andrea's head drops between her shoulders as she slumps away sadly. [Sad charlie brown music is muffled in the distance.]

Andrea's confessional. "So I get with Phillip, crazy. Merle, crazy. I flirt with Shane. But he's crazy too. I find one really nice guy and you guys just ship him off! And we didn't even do anything in that tub, we just literally took a bath and talked." Andrea's face is red as she angrily starts to cry. "Its just not fair, I deserve love too. And the right to bear arms." She cries even more now. "I still can't get a gun of my own." She blows into a tissue.

Rosita, bob's replacement behind the camera, stops in the hall with her hand on her hip posing as Lilly is approaching her. Rosita chews on her gum and rolls her eyes looking aloof. "Rosita, you need to have that camera on and rolling at all times."

Rosita chews obnoxiously on her gum and strikes another pose then another and another, frustrating Lilly. "Rosita, you need to do your job and stop giving me attitude."

"Idiota." Rosita mumbles then rolls her eyes and sloppily holds the camera up with one hand swaying down the hall.

The living room camera turns on and films the limping producer as he walks out to the group gathered together for a house announcement. Martinez sees Rick and coils in fear, the camera never did catch how Rick was able to get information out of Martinez, on Michonne's exact whereabouts in the woods. Lilly and the newest producer Sasha walk into the room. Sasha looks over at a scared Martinez and decides to take the lead.

"Hershel Greene refuses to set foot under the same roof as Lori."

A majority of the house mates look to Lori with different levels of disgust as she shrugs her shoulders and combs her bangs from her face.

"He's recovering in another house under the skillful care of medic Bob Stookey. Beth wont be returning to the house until later on tonight, she insists on staying with her father so today you are getting your new house mate."

Rick is rocking back and forth chanting. "Please let it be Morgan. Let it be Morgan. Morgan. Morgan."

The camera was meant to aim at the front door to catch the new arrival's entrance but only the boots are seen as Rosita is dangling the camera by her side, distracted as she's tentatively picking at her nails.

Sasha Grunts "Rosita!"

Rosita rolls her eyes and poses with her hand on her hip before holding the camera up to reveal the giant redheaded mass of a man that is Abraham ford. Before the camera can catch the exchanges and reactions to Abraham's arrival, the camera cuts to black, Rosita accidentally turned it off when she shifted into another pose.

Some moments later, Andrea stands at the top of the steps rubbing her chin as she contemplates how she can see her sweet lover, Stokey. Michonne is walking down the hall when she hears a loud scream, and recognizes the voice as Andrea's. She starts to run then finds Andrea at the bottom of the steps. "Andrea!"

Michonne kneels down checking on the apparently injured blonde, who's crying and rocking back and forth holding her ankle. "Andrea how did this happen?"

Andrea stops rocking, and cools it on the tears for a moment looking at Michonne. "Meesh I'm fine, this is just a set up. I need to get out of here so I can see Bob again."

"You're crazy. You could of really hurt yourself."

"You need to play along when Lilly gets here."

Michonne rolls her eyes and cradles Andrea who resumes her false screams of pain alerting Producer Lilly.

"Oh my god it hurts so much!" Andrea cries out.

Michonne looks up at Lilly who's starring at Andrea in shock. Before she attempts to speak Michonne cuts her off. "She needs someone to take care of her ankle, now!" Lilly nods her head then speaks into her earpiece. "Andrea's down."

Andrea belts out another loud wail as Michonne strokes at her head.

Later on in the day Lori is giving Carl a bowl hair cut.

"Ugh, mom the bowl's too low I can't see." Carl complains as he tries to pull the bowl off while Lori shoves it back down.

"That's the point sweetheart, it's gonna be a surprise, now stop touching the bowl or it'll turn out crooked." Lori lies as she messily chops away at Carl's hair.

Its only Lori who can see Merle as he appears in her room while Carl is basically blinded by his haircut. "Get up honey, were done here." Carl gets up and runs to what he thinks is the door, but collides with the wall instead, hitting his face hard.

"Walk it off baby" Lori hollers out as Carl is feeling around for an exit out of the room.

Lori whispers to Merle. "Merle I already told you we can't be a thing. I am married to Rick."

"Morgan took Rick away from you, my ex Andrea is dating Bob, my baby brother is with that Michonne women, don't you see a pattern here?"

Lori looks at him awaiting an answer.

"People with Os in their name are messing up our lives."

Lori sighs.

"All I'm saying is you need love too, and you gon' get it from me you little **beep**."

Lori becomes enthralled with Merle as the degrading word slips from his lips, and she tackles him into her bed passionately kisses him ripping his shirt open.

**Beth Greene "V is for Vendetta"**

Beth is caught by the cameras in the woods trekking through the trees in anger. She is tightly holding her knife while her mind remembers the agony her father has been through the past couple of hours, on account of Lori. Beth stops noticing an odd hut in the middle of the woods then hears whistling in the distance, but its only Carol.

"Hey Beth. Hows everything at the house?"

Something devious seams to come into Beth's thoughts as she's seen approaching Carol. "I don't know, I needed to get out of there real bad."

"Because of Hershel."

"Well also Lori's been really sick, coughing and sneezing all over the house. I'm afraid if she stays any loner the entire group will get sick."

Carol perks up.

The next morning a blissful yet tired Lori comes into the kitchen smiling after her romp fest with Merle. She spots Rick and becomes visibly guilty. "Rick...something happened last night."

"You and Merle...yea I know, his bayonet was stuck in the wall." Rick shrugs before he continues his search for his missing item.

"I understand if you're mad at me and you wanna yell and call me a **beep**. Baby I'd understand just let it out."

"Nah, I understand... by the way, you seen that book I read all the time... I left it under the pillow and-"

"Oh that, I think I thew it off the bed-"

"You what?!" Rick's head tilts dramatically towards the side before his face become stern with a slight twitch here and there.

"You know that damn book it the only thing in this house that keeps me going!" Rick stares at the floor in anger before he fingers his gun.

"Whoa, Rick what are you gonna do? Listen baby lets just talk about this-" Lori shudders before she backs away from her deranged and overly dramatic husband.

"No! You wanna talk, you talk to Hershel, I got stuff to do Lori, thangs-I don't got time for your nonsense!"

"But I shot him in the ankle, he's not even in the house."

"You figure it out, I gotta find that book and do some damage control-I don't wanna see you-I don't wanna smell you-as far as I know this marriage is over! You ruined my garden, hid my walkie talkie, and now this?!" Rick paces around the room before he takes off his ring and yells. "That ring right there... I was just using it as a bookmark!"

"You want your stupid book, I'll go get it for you!"

"No Lori, just tell me where it is, I don't want you touching it."

Lori shakes her head and runs up the stairs as Rick is angrily following her, screaming her name. She grabs the book from off the floor and runs into the bathroom. She then dangles the final piece of Morgan Rick has over the toilet as Rick rushes in seeing the horrid action.

"Merle used this toilet and he forgot to flush" Lori narrows her eyes.

"Lori don't you drop that book! You wont be able to come back from this!" Rick stares Lori down and aims his gun at her, but his aim is so faulty in his anger that the barrel of the gun is facing her feet."

"Where are you aiming?!"

"Its alright, the bullet always manages to hit. I just need to keep you in my line of sight. You drop the book and we can forget this ever happened."

A spiteful Lori actually does as Rick says and drops the book, but in the toilet.

"Noooo noooo! You killed him. You killed the last bit of Morgan that I had." Rick screams as he rushes over to the toilet and falls on his knees with snot filling his nose, drool bubbling out from his lips, and his face turning bright pink. The camera pans out of the room as Lori is watching her grieving husband with a huge smirk on her face.

Later that day, as the sun had finally set on the house and it's unruly occupants, Rick had called a marmoreal service in his bathroom, to honor the last momentum he had of Morgan as it laid floating in the defiled toilet.

"What's going on, why were we gathered here?" Michonne questions before Daryl shrugs and tries to get near a grieving Rick.

"What's going on brother, and why we in your bathroom... it stinks like... Merle?"

Rick nods his head before he looks past Daryl at a saddened Michonne who's giving him a quiet condolence.

"Thank you Michonne, but I'll be alright-" Rick stops mid way before he sees Lori, Merle and a bored Abraham waltzing into the bathroom.

"Honestly Rick, it was just a book-" Lori is suddenly cut off by an unstable Rick.

"It wasn't the book Lori-It was the picture inside of the book-you killed Morgan!"

"Your husband's finally lost his **beep**!" Merle jokes before Rick aims his gun at him.

"You... this is all your fault-if you had just flushed the **beep**ing toilet-I could have saved him... because of you, I had to let him go all over again!" Rick dropped to his knees as Abraham twirls his finger near his ear, in an attempt to point out Rick's craziness.

"We don't kill the innocent-we had a code and we do not kill the inn-o-cent!" Rick cries out before he tries to pull the trigger as Daryl, Merle, and Michonne back away from his line of sight.

"Why don't you just flush the water down and get the book before it fills back up?" Abraham, unfazed by Rick's temper walks over towards the toilet and flushes it, grabbing the book with his thumb and middle finger before flinging it at Rick's feet and walking outside of the bathroom.

Everyone is unaware of the wheels spinning out of place in Rick's head, as his mind slowly descends into madness over his torn and tattered photo.


	18. Chapter 18 Let the Grimes Begin!

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Let the Grimes Begin!**

As a camera closes in on Rick running into the kitchen before he rummages into the pantry, he grabs a chocolate syrup bottle and runs over towards the one clean dish left in the house.

"I can see him..." Rick picks up the plate before sitting in the corner of the room and spraying chocolate on it before licking out a few spots to resemble a smiley face.

He holds the plate to his chest before pulling it away with shock and horror on his face.

"...Morgan... Morgan!" His voice slightly distorts before he angry licks the plate, in a desperate attempt to get back some of 'Morgan's' features.

Abe confessional. "This was all pretty hilarious at first, Rick loosing his mind over this guy but... I saw Rick cut down a walker yesterday, split him right down the middle, and tried to read his entrails like a book. This aint funny no more... "

"Hey Michonne... Michonne!" Rick calls out to the samurai woman before she cautiously approaches the room Rick had been hording everything away in.

"Rick... how are you? You need anything-"

"No... and yes... I need you for something... personal." Rick trembles as he says the last part, causing Michonne's eyes to widen as she slowly approaches Rick's room. Rick opens the room door and lets her inside before closing and locking the door behind her.

"So Rick what did you-"

Michonne was cut off by the accumulation of mutilated books stored in Rick's room as well as an incomplete paper mache version of Morgan surrounded by dead flowers and lit candles.

"I... I'm taking everything in the house that reminds me of Morgan... your skin is kind of like his... all chocolatey and smooth-"

"Rick, you need to stop this!"

"Everywhere I look I see that book... but when I reach out... it's never there... " Rick says before grabbing a half empty chocolate bottle and handing it to Michonne.

"Help me Michonne... help me crate a new one... a new Morgan."

"Morgan is fine, we can get him back anytime...he's in the woods for god's sake, but what we can't afford to lose is you." Michonne sighs before heading towards the window.

"Come on Rick... you need some fresh air-" Michonne tries to pull up the window, just to find it nailed shut.

"I sealed it... I've locked us in here Michonne... there's enough food and water in this room for the both of us... I wont let Lori destroy the happiness-you must stay here and help me protect Morgan." Rick says pointing to the mostly finished paper mache figure.

"Dammit Rick, I'm a human begin you can't keep me locked in here forever-"

"This aint a room no more... it's a shrine!" Rick lets out a tear filled laugh before she appears slightly tense and turns to unlock the door.

"You may be able to leave this room, but not this house Michonne-not this house!" Rick yells crazily. Michonne stops and turns around locking eyes with him, as she tries to make a connection to his soul. Rick is starring back at her intensity and seams to realize his distortion of reality some moments later.

"I'm crazy..."

Michonne looks at him with concern. "Rick, you're not crazy." A sweet lie she tells him because all this was looney to say the least.

She takes his hand and leads him towards the giant paper mache Morgan. "But this does need to go. You understand that right? I know he was your best_ friend_ but you gotta let him go."

Rick nods his head.

Michonne exhales. "Its gonna takes hours to pull this thing apart."

Rick smiles and looks at her, "I've got a better idea."

The camera cuts to Lori's room as she's sleeping, and Rick and Michonne are dropping the heavy paper mache of Morgan right on top of her body waking her up in pain. They high five over her as she's screaming for Merle.

Beth's confessional. To make Rick feel a little better we all decided to play a couple of kid games. I thought it would be a good idea but with Rick taking things so seriously all the time...I don't know what I expected." Beth sighs.

**Game 1 Duck, Duck, Walker!**

"Here's the game alright, its called survivor, survivor, walker. I'll go around in a circle, and pick out the survivors, then if you're the walker, you gotta attack."

"Rick I don't think we should play this game." Andrea voices her reluctance.

"Naw its alright, this game will improve our skills for survival. Now the _walker_ in the game has gotta bite people."

"Rick I'm not ok with you biting anybody." Michonne interrupts.

"Good, it'll make the game more realistic. Alright now everyone get in a circle."

As Rick slowly goes around tapping everyone on the head and calling them "survivor," he taped his own shoulder and says, "walker."

"Rick that's not how the game is played." Beth whines.

"This aint a game no more, you gotta expect the unexpected!"

Daryl chimes in. "You can't just change the rules mid game-ow he bit me!"

"I aint stopping until one of you takes me out!" he bites Daryl again. "Daryl you're dead now, you're a walker." Rick orders.

"Dammit man, you drew blood," Daryl says trying to lick his wound as if he's a dog.

Michonne rolls her eyes looking completely over the situation.

Andrea holds out her arm for Daryl to bite, "bite me, bite me!"

"Andrea what are you doing?" Michonne questions.

"Bob treats bite wounds."

Now that Daryl been dubbed a "walker," he goes on with the game and sneaks up on his brother, biting him on the shoulder. "Daryl, what the hell you doing?" Merle shouts.

"You a walker now!" The littler redneck informs.

Michonne sighs and turns around to walk out of the room when she feels a bite on her ass. "Ow!" She turns around and slaps Merle across the face as Daryl gets angry.

"Merle what the hell you doing? I'm the only one that can bite her there."

"Hey darlin' where's your team spirit?" Merle looks at Michonne "if you don't like it, bite me back. " He sends a smile her way that has her sick with disgust.

"The game's over." Daryl shouts angrily.

"The game aint over till I say its over." Rick yells back.

**Game 2 Spin the walker **

The game is short one player as Michonne has literally had enough and goes off to hang out with Carl. Rick brings in a walker holding it by the shoulders, "Ima spin this walker here, and whoever its facing, I'm kick it towards. And its your job to take em out."

Rick spins the walker and as it stops it starts reaching in Daryl's direction. "Daryl you're it."

"I don't got my crossbow!" Daryl shoves it backwards as it hits Abraham who laughs and mocks the walker, "ah man this guy was in need of a serious shave, musta looked like hell even before the turn" he laughs then shoves it towards Merle, who quickly shoves it towards Beth who's screaming in fear and shoves it towards Lori who shoves it towards Rick, in what turns into a horrible game of hot potato walker.

**Game 3 Pin the tail on the walker  
**

Rick lines up the same walker and says the game is to improve the quality of their speed and accuracy with aim, the group only continues to humor him because he needs something to occupy his time.

"Alright, the point of the game is to pin this here raccoon tail onto the walker. If you get bit. You lose. And we'll have to put you down." Beth looks at him fearfully, "oh no, I'm not okay with this."

"Rick this is a bit much." Andrea said siding with Beth.

"Come on, this will be fun, taking down walkers is a blast. What's to fear" Abe laughs as Rick tosses him the raccoon tail and Abe is dodging the walker, laughing and swerving out of its way.

"Stop playing with it so much" Andrea calls out as Beth covers her eyes. Abe trips the walker then waits for it to crawl towards him before he pins the tail on the walkers head. "Ohhh yeahhh! I need another one!"

"Stop this or me and Beth are leaving." Andrea shouts out in disdain.

Abe laughs and stomps the walkers dead to mush, "alright he's dead now. Whoever wants to leave, is free to do so but I'm just getting started." Andrea turned around leaving the room but trips over a camera on the ground belonging to Rosita who was supposed to be doing her job, but is actually doing an assortment of poses in front of a confused Carl and Michonne.

Even though everyone had mixed feelings about game night, Rick appears to have enjoyed himself. As he opens the door to his bedroom, he sees Carl asleep with his head in Michonne's lap. She's stroking his hair, smiling down at him, which brings a smile to Rick's face. She notices Rick and presses her index finger to her lips, warning him to keep quiet. He watches as she eases Carl's head up and gets up from the bed covering him with a blanket.

Rick walks Michonne outside his door, as the two talk in whispers. "About earlier..."

"You don't have to say anything Rick, I know."

Rick and Michonne share a gaze that lingers for too long but neither of them seem to know how to break their steady eye connection, its only the loud sound of Rosita's bobble gun popping, that gets their attention. Rosita is holding the camera lopsided at the two, then shrugs her shoulders, "what..I'm doing my job."

Rosita sighs and drops her camera arm, walking off, "I'm tired...where's that Glenn guy?"

"And you tell Glenn to stop throwing rose petals at us every time we're in the same room together." Just then the pair is showered in petals, as Glenn is sprinkling them over their heads.

"Didn't you hear what I just said to that girl?!"

An annoyed Michonne is fishing out petals from her cleavage, as Rick aims to help her but she slaps his hand down.


	19. Chapter 19 The Mystery Event

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment/Drama and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**The mystery Event  
**

Camera man Glenn runs into the editing room at The Real World Walking Dead Headquarters building. He finds Maggie and can't control his panic. "Maggie, something big went down in the house last night that broke up Daryl and Michonne, but all the tapes are missing!"

Maggie is outraged and jumps out of her seat. "What? What are we gonna tell T-Dog?! There's really nothing?"

"Only one tape of Michonne burning a bunch of footage in the fireplace."

"How the hell did she manage to get every tape in the house, there's literally nothing here." Maggie says as she's frantically looking through the limited footage.

"Glenn you need to get back there, someone will talk."

"That's just it, whatever happened apparently was really dark and everyone just ices up. Even Merle."

"Wait, Merle wont say anything on the camera, not even something snarky? Dammit!" Maggie panics.

An hour later, back at the house, Glenn is ready with his camera, he maneuvers around the house and hears Andrea in her bedroom.

"I don't even want to be in this house after what happened last night. And I can't find Michonne...its been hours." Glenn's camera pries into the room to see her standing there with a worried Rick and leering Abraham.

"I'm gonna try and find her...what about..."

"-Rick don't even mention his name in my presence."

Abraham eyes his housemates with distrust. "We shouldn't be talking about this anymore. Last night was **beep**ed up, even by my standards. Dam, if I knew the kinda people y'all were, I would of never stepped foot in this house."

"Dammit we can't have this in the group!" Rick says in frustration of recent events.

Abraham looks at Rick like he's about to beat his ass. "Why are you acting all innocent?"

"Guys this isn't about us, we need to find my friend and those **beep**ers. Now!"

Just then Andrea notices the camera and freezes up. Rick and Abraham see the camera and are silent while rushing from the room.

The camera pans into the hallway to see Merle walking in its direction. Merle catches the camera and bolts. He runs like his life depends on it.

Beth's confessional. "I never thought something like this would happen. Maybe in someone else's group but not ours." Beth cries as she thinks back to last night. "Daddy always says we've all got jobs to do, but I just can't... not after what happened."

The only person in the house that doesn't seem affected by the mystery event is Lori. She smiles dancing around the kitchen, humming to herself and giggling every few minutes as if she's rehashing the event in her head, over and over again. She shifts into some mangled version of a hip gyration, that she calls dancing.

The camera man stumbles upon Andrea again, who comes across Merle in the kitchen. Her instant reaction is anger, "you son of a **beep**ing **beep!**" She screams at him and throws a dish his way shattering it near his head. Merle ducks as she reaches for another one and shatters the plate even closer to his face.

"**Beep! Beep! Beep!** Andrea **beep**ing stop it. **Beep!**" He screams then sees the camera and runs off. Hiding a freshly red scar across his cheek, made possibly by Michonne's katana.

Glenn almost forgets to breathe as he catches Daryl storming into his room. Daryl is the big find. He quietly sneaks up to the door, filming Daryl in the bedroom he shares with Merle. He removes his crossbow and swings it, shattering a lamp by Merle's bed then wields it, shattering every piece of furniture in the room in a wrathful rampage. Tired out, he collapses onto the floor crying, his face is scrunched up and his cheeks flooded with tears. The shattered redneck starts to weep in what he thinks is a private moment in his room.

T-dog turns off his TV monitor in his office and looks at Glenn, Maggie, and Tara in confusion. "This was all you could put together? None of this is funny. Some serious shit went down and you got none of it on tape?"

"Good news, at least we know Michonne might be alive, she did get rid of all the footage afterwards." Maggie says trying to save her crew mates from an angry berating. "But listen, we do have something else for you, I edited it myself so its something you can enjoy in the meantime. The roommates are gonna need a while to get past whatever happened."

"What it is?" T-dog asks curiously.

Maggie nervously looks to her coworkers then back at T-dog. "Well I know you weren't fond of the footage in question ever getting out, but, hey at least its something." Maggie then pops in the tape for T-dog as the three leave him in his office with his TV buddy Dale.

**Author's note. So I wanted to do this ominous chapter because I wanted a break from the everyday dealings of the house. I was watching reruns of the best reality tv show ever on MTV besides the real world. The show is called Making the band 3 (season 2) It has P. Diddy who was hilarious as hell, and its about his quest to make a girl group. Spoiler for the next chapter, kinda. Oh & about the real world, this fanfic relates to the good seasons like the early the 90s/ early 2000s. I haven't seen more recent seasons. **


	20. Chapter 20 Dance Tyrant

**I do not own The Walking Dead or Making the Band. Which this chapter is loosely based on. **

**Author's note: Events takes place way before the group's arrival into the house.  
**

**The lost episode: Dance Tyrant  
**

Bon Stookey former head camera man, now medic. "T-dog had a reality T.V. show before Real World Walking Dead. It was a dance and singing competition show called Making the Group. The show didn't make the air, since everyone was so emotionally broken. Someone made the mistake of giving Shane some semblance of power. And Shane just showed how horrible he was as a person. I think he offended every living thing imaginable, all in the name of _motivation_.

A big red flashing sigh appears on the screen as a warning. "Viewer discretion is advised."

Shane's confessional. "Its Shane Widdy Walsh at your service. And I'm here to make this group happen. To make some dancing, walker killing, superstars. Even if it kills them. LETS GO BABY!"

On the first day of filming Making The Group. Shane "Widdy" Walsh, owner of "Walker Records" is shaping up the aspiring hopefuls. In a large room, he looks at the various _dancers_ hoping to make it into the group. Choreographer Tyresse, aka Big Teddy, had been working with the group on a routine most of the day.

Rick, who is the weakest dancer, gets it the hardest from Shane Widdy. The music starts to play and Rick and Carl are set to go head to head. As Rick starts to dance he shows a lack of any coordination, while Carl is outshining his father hitting beat after beat with each step.

Angry Shane Widdy shakes his head at the eye assault he's getting from Rick's dance moves. He gets up from his seat and screams at Rick. "What are you doing?! What the hell are you doing Rick?!"

"I'm dancing, I'm trying." Rick says out of breath.

"That aint dancing, you look like you going into cardiac arrest, man! You letting me down, and you letting down Big Teddy over there" Tyresse rubs his chin nodding.

"I practiced Shane, I practiced, i just wanna dance... I practiced, I swear."

"Rick you need an ounce of melanin! You gotta get black Rick! At least Latino!"

Rick dances harder, really trying to nail the choreography.

"Rick you gettin' lighter! Rick you too white! You a snow flake! You're translucent! Rick you aint gon' make it if I can't see you! Come on Casper! How am I supposed to have a friendly ghost in my dance group! Look at Carl, Carl is basically Jamaican right now!" Carl smirks as he's doing body rolls.

"Rick I'm taking to air right now, YOU'RE AIR!"

Rick stops dancing, bending over and holding his knees as he starts to break down crying. "But my whole life, all I ever wanted to do was dance."

"You aint got the rhythm! Give up! Give up Rick! I don't even know where to look right now, you invisible! Get a drop of pigment Rick! I'll settle for a spray tan Rick! Give me something!"

Shane switches out the pair with Carol and Rosita. He watches as Carol goes through the routine and she's slipping up every few steps. "Carol, I understand you don't wanna break a hip, so you being real cautious right now, but when Christopher Columbus used to drop it like its hot did you watch?! I hope not! Because that man was a **beep**hole, you gon' learn from a great today Carol, you gon' learn! You gon' step it up, you want a cane Carol. Huh? You wanna pimp cane? We can fancy up your short comings! Carol get your ancient **beep** off my dance floor! They shudda left your **beep** on the Santa Maria."

Shane sits down in his chair next to Big Teddy Ty and chews on a took pick. Big teddy T leans over to Shane and whispers something in his ear about Rosita not giving enough heart. Shane values the opinion and in his twisty deranged way, attempts to motivate the young dancer.

"Rosita, if you gon' make it sexy, make it sexy, make it a dam porno in here! You aint doing enough, Rosita! You aint doing enough! Call me big daddy! Is that gon' help you?! Call me big daddy then!"

Shane claps his hand as he berates her, "pick it up, Rosita! Pick! it! up!"

"Make it dirtier! Dirtier! Make it so dirty your just a smudge on the ground! I wanna see garbage! I wanna see you next to a trash can and not know which one is you! You clean-x right now girl! I don't need my house clean! I need the floor covered in mess right now Rosita! I need it covered in filth and grime!"

Rick looks up, "you called me?"

Shane looks at Rick. "I said grime not failure!"

Rosita flashes her hair back wiping some tears from her eyes, then turns around walking back into the lineup, as Shane Widdy calls up the Dixon brothers to go head to head. "Send him home Daryl, send him home. There's only room for one of you."

As the brothers start to dance. Shane is livid. "Just as I suspected! You both terrible, rhythm-less, backwater redneck inbred bastards! You brother cousins needs get it together! Get it together! Merle you one handed but you aint one legged, you gon learn today, we aint stopping till you learn! Y'all dancing like y'all need a room, you two wanna get a room?! Y'all need to **beep?!** Do so then and come back out with some **beep**ing rhythm! What's y'all motto?! Huh, incest is best?! I'm gonna need you to act like I'm yo momma! You needa please your momma!"

Shane Widdy excuses the emotionally scarred and angered Dixon brothers from his sight and paces back and forth at the half crying room. "Y'all really pissing me off right now, I just got pissed! Right this instant! Right this second! I was gentle before but now the gloves are **beep**ing off!"

Rick collapses onto the floor.

Shane lugs out a giant drum and looks at big cuddle bear Ty who's folding his arms nodding his head in approval.

"Boom, boom, cat! Boom, boom, cat!" Shane says banging on the drum.

"Boom cat boom! If I hear a dog outta y'all, if I hear a chicken clucking, if I hear any other animal but a god dam cat. You gon pay!"

Producers Lilly and Milton come into the room to end the emotional battery. "Alright Shane that's enough, were not doing this anymore." Milton says frightfully.

"No it aint enough! These people aint done till they learn some god dam rhythm!"

As entire group gets into their placements, the music plays again. "Boom cat, I said boom cat! Carol not crackle crackle, what you think this is?! A haunted house! This aint Halloween! I aint in the mood to trick or treat! You aint even got the good candy, candy corn is disgusting! You candy corn right now Carol! I want a snickers bar! If you gon' give me candy give me the good **beep**! Shane yells angrily kicking over the drum as Carol runs off in tears.

Shane calls up Andrea and Michonne ahead of the rest.

Shane shakes his head as he suddenly pulls out his gun and aims it at Andrea's off beat steps.

"Andrea, match your steps to the beat!" Shane fires off a shot near her feet as she jumps and stares back at him in shock. Michonne lunges towards Shane but Andrea stops her.

"Did I tell you to stop dancing! I'm gonna give you some tough love right now-Andrea every step you miss I'mma let off a shot-you miss a beat, you lose a toe-'cause you aint even using your feet to dance right now!"

Michonne literally doesn't care about the dance and just lazily moves to the beat. "Why can't y'all be like Michonne here. Michonne is literally giving me nothing right now and she's a million times better then all of y'all. Look at her, she bad, she break a lotta rules. I wanna give her detention!"

Shane puts on a pair of dark shades and sits back down sluggishly in his chair. He watches the group all together and still isn't feeling it. "Y'all aint hungry! Y'all wanna starve! Y'all some Gandhi wannabees! Milton get me some cheese cake, some apple pie, and a doughnut, I'm gonna eat right in front of these weaklings because you know what I got?! Rhythm!"

Shane takes it upon himself to attack Rick yet again as the struggling dancer is coming out of his mini coma. Rick still has the persistence to wanna keep dancing. "I don't know what type of awkward thrust you did to make Carl but this is complete** beep**! No wonder Carl's such a good dancer, the boy's literally a miracle child! You know what?! Those weren't even your swimmers Rick! Those were mine! I made Carl! Carl got rhythm just like his daddy, me! I'm that boy's daddy! What you gon' cry now Rick?! You should be happy, Carl can actually have a father that's worth a dam, that's got some pep in his step! Come on Rick, if you want your son back, you gon' have to dance for it!"

Next time on, making the group. Shane has assembled the best team of performers, but his early star and favorite Carl, is turning into a major primadonna.

Shane singles Carl out after a group performance. "Carl you wanna have your own gun and wear Rick's sheriff hat, but the whole point of the group is that we all survive together."

Carl's confessional. "We're having a group meeting and all Shane can go on and on about is how I'm not blending in, and I just feel like...whatever I do is never gonna be good enough."

"Can I ask you a question though? What do you wanna be to the group? Do you wanna be Rambo or do you wanna help these people survive?"

"I'm not focused on me me me me. I'm focused on the group and our survival together."

"You like big guns though. You like big guns and shooting people in the face."

"Actually I don't. I don't like big guns. I don't like shooting people in the face. I'm very flexible with what I can do in this group."

"If I bring out Big Teddy, Hershel, or Beth, are they gonna back you up? Or are they gonna say you like big guns and shooting people on sight?"

"Bring them out. I'm not difficult."

Hershel walks into the room at Shane Widdy's request.

"Well he's a good kid, he's very flexible in the group-"

"You see, I told you-" Carl says cutting Hershel off.

"But he did shot a kid in the face for no reason... with a big gun." Hershel claims as Carl looks back at a disappointed Shane.


	21. Chapter 21 Tension

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Tension **

Its been a few days since the conundrum at the house. The tension is thick, and its stifling for house mate Beth, who takes the opportunity to visit her father, who's recovering in an accompanying house. A camera catches as she walks up to the front door and notices its locked. She turns around jumping at the sight of an expressionless dark haired man. "Oh my god you scared me."

"I'm Garreth, I do all the cooking here."

"Can you get inside? The door's locked." Beth turns checking through the window to see if anybody is moving around inside. Garreth comes up behind Beth's neck smelling her flesh. "Mmmm.."

Beth flinches and quickly moves away from him. "What were you doing?"

"Nothing, I was trying to look over your shoulder. Whoever is around might wanna see my familiar face." Gareth says as Beth looks at him oddly.

"What percent body fat do you have? He asked.

"What?"

"How much meat do you think you've got on you?"

Beth turns around banging on the window for someone to open up, as Gareth is sprinkling salt on her exposed shoulder. Beth screams feeling his nibble. "What's the matter with you!?"

He ignores her. "Hey what's your blood type?"

Filming is back on track at the main house and catches Abraham with Michonne in her room.

"Alright Michonne, I've got a mission for you, 10 sets of push ups, sit ups and-"

"I already did them, 100 at the very least." Michonne answered back before Abraham playfully side eyed her. She could tell he was trying to distract her mind from the troubles of the past few days.

"I don't mean to burst your bubble sweetheart, but there's no way you could have done them so fast... you just woke up cadet... show me how you did it."

Michonne rolled her eyes before she displayed her technique for him.

"I see now, you use the bed for extra support... here let me show you how it's really done." Abraham plops down next to her before she sighs, "everyone has their own way of doing this..."

"Nope, cause if you do it wrong, you're just tiring yourself out, if you don't feel the burn here" Abe pokes Michonne in her stomach "or here" Abe moves his finger towards the side of her thigh "or atleats-"

Michonne moves his hand away, frustrated with his poking, before telling him "show me then" as he smiles and says "watch the master."

Abraham waits for her to get up and watch him as he begins to do a very slow crunch.

"I can do that in half the time-"

"You do it too fast, and you don't get the full effect-come on and join me!"

Merle passes by the room with his brother in toe, as they watch the pair work out. "Don't forget the cardio!" Merle jokes as Daryl gives an awkward smile to lighten the mood.

Michonne just continues to work out, as she ignores the brothers. Abe on the other hand jumps up and slams the door in their faces. "Ah, meh good hand, it was in the **beeping** door you piece of **beep**!" Merle screams out as he's blowing on his reddened fingers while Daryl shoves the door back open.

Abraham is quick to confront the brothers. "How about you little girls go back to your tea party and leave Michonne and I alone to do some real work."

"You the one workin' out with a chick!" Merle points his bayonet towards Michonne while she grabs her katana aiming to leave the room.

Abraham stops her. "Little **beep**s like this don't last long in the army-let me take care of them sweety!"

Michonne gives him a side smile as Abraham tells Merle to give him 50.

"Seeing as I'm one handed, this should be interesting, huh carrot top?" Merle jokes as he gets on the floor to do a push up. Abraham slams his foot down on the redneck's back, and forces a squirming Merle to flail about in anger against the ground, while Abe gives out a satisfied smirk.

"Come on **beep**, can't you handle a little wight, all you need is one push up!"

"Crazy son of a **beep**!" Merle screams.

Daryl charges in to help Merle, but Michonne stops him with the tip of her katana.

"Merle said he could do it... helping him now would be in insult to his 'character.'" She side eyes the older red neck while Daryl is torn on what to do. Rick is near by watching the whole thing before he walks by to stop Abraham.

"Since when did you and Michonne get so close anyway, how come you feel the need to attack one of our own?!"

Abraham finds it funny Rick would say that considering the behavior, he and the Dixon brother's displayed a few days ago. Abraham finally gets off of a barely conscious Merle as he steps to Rick.

Michonne quickly intervenes as her soft spot for Rick wont allow the confrontation. "Abraham stop!"

At the kitchen table, its only Merle, Rick, and Daryl that can stand the company of each other. So they are surprised when Beth comes out with three containers of chili. A camera follows closely behind her as she speaks. "You thee look down, here's something to lift your spirits."

Merle and Daryl eagerly snatch their containers out of her hands then begin to wolf down on their food, as she happily gives Rick a container of hot chili too.

"Wow Beth did you make this? It tastes great!" Rick compliments.

"No, I can't take the credit, you should be thanking Gareth... and Merle." Rick and Daryl stop as Merle shrugs chewing on a piece of meat. "This meat's kinda crunchy-is this a finger nail?!" Merle yells before throwing the chile towards the side while Rick and Daryl begin to stare down at their 'food.'

"Yeah, well Garreth really put his foot into making this... or should I say... Merle's hand." Beth does a little wink before walking out of the room as the three southerns begin to panic.

In another part of the house, specifically in Abraham's bedroom. He's spotted alone with Michonne again.

"You know what Michonne, you're alright, but why are you helping out a little **beep** like him." Abraham speaks of the the so called _leader_ of the group.

"I'm still apart of his group, that night didn't change a thing... I'm just... I just need a break." Michonne became a bit saddened, which was the opposite mood he wanted for her.

"If you were with me in the army, I bet you'd be the second highest cadet."

"And who would be the first?"

"Well I didn't want to brag but..." Abraham and Michonne let out a small laugh as she playfully shoves him.

Much later on, the camera men follow the group, as everyone gathers together outside, where there's a small platform built surrounded by a slew of armed terminus guards. Sasha walks out to greet the group. "We're doing trust exercises today. There's been far to much tension in the house."

"What are the guards for?" Andrea asks.

"Everyone must attempt each task they are given, if not they get shot. I've put a lot of time and effort into these trust exercises and you will participate."

Daryl, Rick, and Michonne are lined up facing Andrea, Beth, and Abraham as Merle climbs the attached latter leading to the platform.

"This is called a trust fall, Merle you must trust in your fellow house mates to catch you. Turn facing away from the group, cross your arms against your chest and when you're ready, say the words, "ready to fall." The group will let you know when they are ready by responding with "fall away."

"Ready to fall!" Merle screams.

The entire group responds "fall away!" As Merle's body is falling Andrea pulls back her arms and picks at her finger nails, Abe folds his arms against his chest as Michonne sets her hands on her hips. Simultaneously, Rick pulls his arms back as he hears static on his walkie talkie thinking its Morgan trying to reach him, and Beth kneels down to tie her shoelace, all causing Merle to have a crushing fall to the ground.

"My back! My back! My **beeping** back!"

Daryl, the only one to keep his hands out, only managed to grab his brother's left leg from slamming into the ground.

"Y'all so damn petty! How y'all just gon' drop my brother like that?!" Daryl yells.

Michonne sucks her teeth and Daryl sends a dirty look her way before she angrily cuts her eyes at him.

Sasha resumes speaking. "Ok that was very unsuccessful. Next exercise!"

A minute later, Michonne is forced to be the ginnie pig for the next challenge. She walks across the tightly bridged arms of Rick and Andrea, then towards the next pair, belonging to an angry Daryl and a smiling Beth. As she reaches the final set of arms which is Abe and Merle, Merle yanks his one arm away causing Michonne to fall, but she is caught bridal style by Abe. "Look at you sweetheart, you're as light as a feather." Abe laughs as Daryl stares daggers at the large redhead.

"Alright, you obliviously aren't taking this seriously-none of you are entertaining when you're all pissed at each other. The house is divided and its time for some serious mending! it's time for the next exercise!" Producer Lilly comes up to Sasha speaking into her ear before Sasha searches around the group. "Oh my god, where the hell is Lori?"

Footage shows Lori inside the house passed out on the couch, drooling profusely, while Carl is running around hacking at the air with a hatchet he found around the house.

As their loosing sunlight and its getting to late in the day, Sasha gets a bright idea and sends everybody back in the house. She looks at Lilly, "I have the perfect way to get this group entertaining again."

"What is it?" Lilly is on pins and needles.

"You'll see." Sasha smiles.

Hours later Andrea is walking into the kitchen when she stops at the sight before her eyes. Rick walks up behind her also shocked by what he sees. The camera pans around to film in the direction they are looking at and sees the kitchen filled with endless assortments of the hardest liquor imaginable. Rick and Andrea stare at each other before running around the camera man screaming for everyone's attention.


	22. Chapter 22 Feral Daryl

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**Feral Daryl  
**

After another one of Andrea's failed attempts to injure herself in order to see Bob backfires, Michonne takes the morning to tend to her friend, who might seriously have a concussion and a cold after slamming her head into a wall, staying all night in the pool, and laying outside naked. So yea, Andrea was in it to win it. Michonne sits down next her groaning friend who's burning up with a fever, "come on, you need to sit up."

"No, just leave me!"

Michonne gently sits Andrea up, seeing her looking pale and weak. "You know I'm not leaving you." Andrea looks at Michonne who's handing her two pills and unscrewing a bottle of water for her.

"I know you care about him, but one of these days you're literally gonna kill yourself."

Andrea just frowns in response.

Later in the day, the overhead camera in Abraham's bedroom films the large redhead as he gets up to leave his room. Daryl comes up to his door and sees Michonne inside flipping through a magazine on Abraham's bed. "Chonne I'm trying to get to you but there's a red brick wall in the way."

Abraham pulls out a spray bottle anticipating Daryl's arrival.

"What the hell you gon' do with that?"

"I'ma train you mutt! Stop sniffing around what's not yours!"

Daryl growls at Abraham before he aims the spry bottle full of water at Dixon.

"Cut it out man, I'm just trying to get to Micho-"

Abraham spays Daryl in the face as a warning before yelling "down boy!"

As Daryl is wiping water from his face, Abe sprays him again.

"Cut the bull**beep**, that stings-" Daryl screams as water and anything cleansing, is a punishment to him.

Abe spays him again, but this time Daryl crouches down and tries to aim his cross bow at the red head. Michonne just shakes her head as Abe slaps the crossbow out of Daryl's hands and spays him twice.

Daryl stands down, soaking wet to the bone. He looks back at Michonne before Abe aims his bottle at him making him flinch and whimper.

"Good boy, now run along..." Abe commands Dixon before he points at his crossbow.

"B-but my b-bow-"

"I said get!" Abraham squirts Daryl causing him to yelp and run off.

Daryl's confessional. Daryl is rubbing his face and body with squirrel pelts. "That crazy bastard sprayed all my smell off, I felt naked and exposed, now I gotta roll around in the dirt to get my good funk back!"

Moments later, a camera narrows in on Rick talking with Daryl. "If you want your girl back, you need to stop acting like such a damn animal!" Rick says as he's trying his best to clean the living room.

"What you mean, I aint actin' like no damn animal!" Daryl barks back as he angrily licks his water drenched hand.

"You know what Daryl, it's kind of a shame, you wanting to be human, I bet Shane would have been able to teach you.. to bad you pushed him off the balcony-"

"Man cut the **beep**, you know I didn't push him, I thought you had my back!"

"If you didn't push him, then who did?!" Rick lashed back as he tilts his head dramatically to the side, to emphasize his point.

"I don't know, but it were'nt me!"

Rick puts his hands on his hips before looking down. "Daryl... I can't help you if you keep lying-"

"Man **beep** you, you're ex got you twisted in the head, all wrapped around her finger like a bug on a branch!"

"At least my ex can trust me, unlike yours! What you did that night... had me doubting you ever since... don't blame me for not believing you- blame yourself!" Rick snaps as Daryl begins to snarl before snapping at Rick's nose. Daryl see's Rick's hand on his spare water bottle before he nods back at Rick while backing up.

"So it's like that huh... thought we were a pack Rick... wolf brothers." Daryl walks off before Rick looks down at the floor yelling at Daryl's feet.

"You tracked mud Daryl... you bring dirt into this house again, you'll get the bottle!"

Sad puppy Daryl misses Michonne and if it takes finally being house broken to get her back, so be it... but who can teach him the ways of the humans...?

As Beth is making herself a sandwich, a heap of dirt covered human pounced on her table and devours her food.

"Dammit Daryl, down boy!"

"Beth, you're human enough, teach me how to be... like you."

As Beth gets up, she slowly backs away from Daryl before running out of the room. Daryl growls, seeing his chance to become human slipping away, but stays put, hoping to lean to control his desires to track and hunt.

"You're not chasing me?" Beth wonders out loud before Daryl sits on all fours wiggling his butt.

"Nope, 'cause I'm a good puppy! Now learn me!"

"You mean teach me!"

"Same thing, now put some human knowledge in my head so I can get my girl back!"

"First, get on the seat and stop sitting on the table."

"Damn, next you're gonna be telling me to wear underwear!"

"You're not wearing any?" Beth says in disgust before he crosses his arms in defense.

"If army boy gets to go commando, so can I, plus the smell keeps the predators and walkers away!"

Daryl randomly starts to lick his fingers clean.

"Daryl you can't do that anymore, you have to use a napkin. Don't you want her back?"

"Naw screw all dis, that dam girl broke my heart anyways! I'm a lone wolf now!" Daryl takes off with his crossbow in his mouth. As he ascends past the gate, he lets out one mighty howl and scampers off into the forest.

In search for Michonne, Rick finds her in the hallway talking to Abraham. The redhead has her in a fit of laughter as they are closely talking. Rick jealously watches as Abe leans into her ear whispering something that releases even more laughter from the normally calm Samari. Rick watches as Abe leaves before he walks up to Michonne.

"Michonne... we need to talk." Rick says with something hidden behind his back.

"It's a leash..." Michonne answered back before Rick shifts his weight from left to right foot, while angrily gripping the long red plastic rope.

"Michonne... Daryl ran off, you know that when he goes on walks he needs his leash! He ran off into the forest and he might not come back-"

"Daryl is not my responsibly anymore." Michonne moved away from Rick as he threw the leash towards the side.

"We lost him, he's a runaway now... he'll be just another stray-he can fend for himself but... he needs humans-"

"You've always exploited his animal like abilities for you own sake... he probably got fed up and left..." Michonne placed her hand on Rick's shoulder to comfort him. "Think about it Rick, he was never ours to begin with... we got to let him go... "

Rick nodded his head, realizing that there would always be apart of Daryl that no lover or leader could ever tame.

Rick lashes out at the near by cameraman who's closing up on Rick's flaring nostrils. "You're probably getting a kick out of this, because of you, we lost our Daryl!-Instead of filming us all the** beep**ing time, you should have locked the **beep**ing gate!"

Michonne sighs and walks away heading to check on Andrea again.

"I'll deal with you bastards later... you can be the one to tell Merle about Daryl's escape." Rick looks pretty smug before the camera man interrupts him, "actually, I'm not allowed to interfere with the housemates soooo... good luck with telling Merle the bad news, officer Rick."

Later that day the overhead camera in the kitchen films Rick cleaning up a storm. He runs his hand over the smooth kitchen counter whispering to himself, "Morgan would be so proud." Lori walks in rolling her eyes. "Rick this was the best you could do? It aint clean enough in here."

"We're not even married anymore so why do you keep nagging me? Besides I didn't clean for you I cleaned for Morgan. The person I owe my life to."

"After everything I've done to get back to this family after the vote out...dammit I shoved Shane off the balcony for you!"

"You pushed Shane, and you blamed Daryl for it?! We lost Daryl for an entire day Lori! An entire day! And now he's gon' all over again."

"You can't blame this time on me Rick! I've been good!"

"You've been asleep! All over the house, I can't get the drool out of the couch Lori!"

"You wouldn't have supper on the table if it weren't for me-"

"You burn everything!" He screams at her.

"There may have been fire on my food but at least I wasn't cold in the bedroom!"

"Well Morgan did it better."

Lori gasps.

"We're still talking about food right?"

As Abe is minding his own business eating a bowel of cereal Michonne made for him, Rick comes into the living room. The former sheriff sees who he's been looking for. "Lets just get one thing straight, I don't know what your agenda is with Michonne, but if I don't like it you're outta this house."

"Listen here Prick, what Michonne and I do is none of your business."

"The second you spoke to her, it became my business."

Michonne enters the room with her bowl of cereal. "Abe, Andrea doesn't want to come down to eat with us." She sees the two of them in each others faces, as Rick leans into a smirking Abraham. "Remember what I said."

"What did you say?" Michonne asks confronting Rick.

Rick walks up to her starring her in the eyes. Neither break eye contact as he picks up the spoon from her cereal bowl and shoves it in his mouth, crunching the flakes between his teeth before dropping the spoon back into her bowl and strolling off with the parting words "Have fun."

Rick's confessional. "Abraham may have started this war but I'm gonna finish it."

Michonne's confessional. Michonne sits in the confessional chair looking puzzled after the confrontation with Rick in the kitchen. She has her bowel of cereal in her lap and looks down at it then back up at the camera. "I don't even know if I should eat this or not."


	23. Chapter 23 Spring Cleaning

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

_**Spring Cleaning  **_

As the housemates wake up from their slumber, they see cleaning uniforms on their door's with a post-it note saying 'wear this'-Rick. As one housemate also see's a pair of fishnet stockings, high heels and an over sized duster, she shrugs it off, thinking this was just another one of Rick's activities she'd have to play along with. She puts her skin tight bodice and short flared skirt uniform on, replacing the sword of her sheath, with the handle of the duster. Standing in front of her mirror she places her hand on her hips sighing, "I hate you Rick."

As the group assembles downstairs, it's Michonne's daring outfit that sticks out.

"I don't know who I feel worse for, you Mi-chonne or Daryl for not being here to see this!" Merle muses out loud as he checks out a stoic Michonne.

"Andrea where's your uniform?" Michonne asked her friend whose was wearing a loose fitting gray smock as Andrea says "I'm wearing it! But where the **beep** is yours?"

Michonne yanked at the hem of her skirt with a heated face. "I'm wearing it... "

"Yeah, but where's the rest of it?"

"What the **beep** Michonne, what are you wearing?!" Abraham, who was the last one to come down the stairs shouted out, causing everyone to stare at Michonne, who was trying to hide from the group.

"Yeah, take them heels of slowly for ol' Merle..." Merle flicks his tongue at her, as Abraham stomps in front of her shielding her from the Dixon's view.

"Your clothes are way too revealing Michonne-" Lori is cut off by Michonne's glare. "If you want to complain, go talk to Rick... I'm not sure why he gave me these clothes either."

As Rick descends down the staircase, he has a whiteboard in one hand and some markers in his holster.

"Alright everyone, the one thing I learned from being in a fruitless marriage, was that if the house is clean, it's one less thang yo' wife can complain about-this here is the chore-board and everyone's gotta do their part to keep this house clean." Rick writes down his and Michonne's name first, then Abraham and Lori, Andrea and Merle, then Beth's name last.

"What type of teams are those-?" Andrea is cut off by Abraham who was pointing at Michonne.

"What the hell's your agenda, making her dress like that-if she bends over and anyone sees her skivvies, they'll be hell to pay!"

Merle peeks behind Michonne, who crosses her arms over her chest.

"Let's just get this over with... do I really have to wear these heels and this uniform?" Michonne asks.

Rick nods, ignoring Abe before saying "it's so you can reach high places, and it was the only uniform that could fit your... physique."

"I don't like this!" Abe snares over towards Merle then back at Rick.

"Well too bad, if it helps, just think of it as another mission." Rick sasses as he began to write on the board.

"Michonne and I will do the bed rooms. Merle and Andrea will clean outside of the house, including the roof.

Andrea looks over at Merle. "Seeing as you've got one hand, it should keep you twice as busy, Merle." Andrea smirks at her angered partner.

"Ford and... Lori you get the basement and the attic-"

"Why can't I do the laundry or dishes?" Lori complains as Abe sighs out in frustration.

"I've planed out everything Lori, he can move things and you can fit into tight places... that leaves Beth with laundry and dishes... once you're done you can visit Hershel."

Beth just nods in response.

As the members of the house leave the living room, Abraham stays behind for a moment to _comfort_ Michonne.

"When I'm done with the basement, I'll stop by to check up on you..." Abraham leans in for a hug as does Michonne before Rick steps in, not only intercepting the hug, but grabbing Michonne's hands in the process.

"Come on Michonne, I'll help you up them stairs." Rick leads Michonne away from Abe who glares back at his _leader_.

"You'd better not be up to anything, Prick-I'll-"

"Get to work Sargent Ford, them cobwebs aint gonna clean themselves." Rick smirks at the flustered red head as he storms out of the room.

The cameras located in the room record Rick and Michonne as they are alone together cleaning Abraham's room. Michonne looks over at Rick's who's not even cleaning, but searching through Abraham's things. She walks over to him in her heels and yanks some magazines away from Rick. "We're not going through his stuff. We're supposed to be cleaning."

"I am cleaning... its not my fault all he has is junk. You can't survive living in the past." Rick says as he takes the military magazines back from Michonne and tosses them into the trash.

"What the hell is your problem?!" Michonne yells. She attempts to bend over to pull the magazines out of the trash but quickly realizes that was not an option. "Rick, put his magazines back, now."

Downstairs in the basement, the dark room is covered in cobwebs and Lori continuously overreacts each time the webs get in her face.

"Just wipe it off!"

"Is that a black widow, oh good lord!"

Abe rolls his eyes before flicking the web and spider out of his way as it lands on Lori. "It on me, IT'S ON MEEEEE! Get it off!" Lori runs around the room as Abraham finally steps in front of her, causing her to crash into him. Abe squints his eyes to see the small spider before flicking off of her and onto the floor.

"That was so sad... even for you." Ford sighs as he points towards some boxes.

"The sooner we can clean this room, the faster I can check on my bud. So lets go Lori, go behind them boxes and see what you can clean out."

"N-no, it's dusty-"

"That's why we're dusting it woman! I thought you loved cleaning!" Abe mocks her as he moves some of the boxes away for her to squeeze behind as Lori begins to cry.

"If I knew Rick could be so cruel, I would have put more effort into our marriage." She weeps as Abraham shakes his head in mock pity.

"Anit no way anyone's havin' it worse than me." He remakes as the camera pans away from them and onto another pair in the house.

Back on the roof, Merle is on top spraying leaves and other debris out of the drain pipe. As he looks down he see Andrea fishing leaves, and some of her own clothes, out of the pool.

"Hey Andrea, I can see down your shirt!" Merle shouts out as Andrea removes one of her shoes and throws it at him, setting him off balance.

He sprays her with water and in the midst of their fight, he slips and slides down the roof.

"Oh **beep!** Andrea, get the ladder! I'ma slip!" Merle cries out with his hand clinging to the storm drain, as his bayonet hand is flinging around in dismay.

Andrea smirks and takes the hose Merle had dropped before spraying his back.

"What the **beep** you doing, cut it out **beep**, crazy **beep!**"

"What Merle, can't you see I'm trying to spay off the dirt?"

"I aint no **beep**ing dirt!"

"Ha, could've fooled me, oh I missed a spot."

Back in the bed room, Michonne is trying to reach a corner of the room with her duster as Rick is cleaning beneath the bed.

"Look what I found!" Rick happily calls out, as he's holding Carl by the shoulders.

"Hey Carl, why do you keep hiding under everyone's beds?" Michonne looks back at the young boy as he shrugs. "It's the only place where I know who I am anymore."

"Dammit Carl, are you going through another phase again-"

"Why is Michonne's skirt so short?" Carl wonders out loud, making the woman uncomfortable and his father shoves him out of the room.

"Why don't you go help Beth with her chores."

Rick closes the door on Carl, as Michonne repeats Carl's question to Rick.

"Why is my skirt so short... ?" Michonne asks Rick as he shrugs.

"We ran out of uniforms, so I had to get you a special one..."

"Rick... don't bull**beep** me, what's really going on-"

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how clean is this room?" Rick asks as he's plopping down on Abraham's bed and smiled at her while patting on a spot beside him.

"Well, it was a 28 but now that you laid on my clean sheets... I''d have to say 11."

"Seeing as I make thangs dirty, how about you come over here and help me clean up-"

"Rick... that's Abe's bed-"

"I know." He says happily lounging on the soldier's bed.

"I'm gonna go clean the next room now." Michonne says strutting out, her heels clicking in the distance.

"Ok I'll join you-"

"How about you clean Daryl's room... I can handle mine and Andrea's on my own... I'll join you later." Michonne gestures towards the Dixon's room, which was littered with dead animals, dirt and what the housemates hoped was mud.

As Rick open the room, he closes it back in horror and disgust. Rick gestures for the camera man to back away from the room, as the staff run pat him to label the room as a safety hazard, with bold yellow tape.

"Oh god Michonne, you actually slept in there? One of the carpets just ran across the floor!"

"Daryl kept it semi-clean... but I guess he just let it get dirty after..."

Rick walks over towards her as he suddenly looks down at her hand and grasps it.

"About that night... I'm sorry about being apart of that..."

"If making me wear this outfit and picking fights with Abe is your way of saying sorry, I'd hate to see what you do when you're mad."

"You still mad at me, huh?" Rick looks down at the floor as Michonne can't stand to see the man's saddened face.

"Alright, lets leave Merle's room for later, we can clean my room."

As Rick looks into their room, Michonne's room is practically spotless, aside from what he guessed were Andrea's unmentionables laying on her bed.

"I'll clean your half, you can do Andrea's... it's only right." Rick says, feeling a bit embarrassed by Andrea's bras and panties.

"Fine, but no weird **beep** while my back is turned Rick!" Michonne warns him, before she walks over to pull aside her curtains and open the window for some fresh air.

"Ah, what the **beep?!**" Michonne backs away form the window as Rick unconsciously reaches for his gun-less holster to protect her, only for it to be filled with markers.

"Well looky here, a free peep show!" Merle presses his face into the glass of the window as he taps the widow with his bayonet.

"Merle, quit the **beep** and get down for there." Michonne says as she reluctantly opens the window.

"I gotta say, I'm a fan of yo' work leader, good job on your girl here." He says looking at Michonne in her outfit. "Two boobs for the price o' one." Merle says switching from Michonne's cleavage ahead of him then down at Andrea's below him. "I'ma stay right here, and watch you and Andrea clean-ow, **beep** damn Andrea, cut the water off already!"

Rick pinches the bridge of his nose as Andrea is practically flooding the room with the water she's spraying up at Merle. Rick and Michonne close and lock the window, but not before getting sprayed with water and getting an earful of obscenities out of Merle.

As Rick closes the blinds on Merle, he notices Michonne dripping with water.

"I'll get us some towels..." Rick rushes into the bathroom to grab a set of towels but stops midway back into the room, as he watches Michonne reaches out for a towel before she lifts her hair from the nape of her neck and dries her shoulders and collar bone.

"You'd better dry yourself off, here let me help you." Michonne covers Rick's head with the towel as she dries his hair and places the towel on his shoulders. As Rick stands there locking eyes with her, Abe's voice is heard from the hallway.

"What the **beep** Rick-"

"So you're finally done with the basement, wow, you finished quicker than I thought." Rick lets go of Michonne as Abraham walks up to them to talk to her.

"Don't take too long Ford, she's seems pretty exhausted and we got one more room to do together." Rick tries to walk out of the room with swagger, as he shuts the door on the two other housemates.

"That jealous little prick gonna feel real stupid when I tell him we're just friends... he's just making himself look like a fool... and why are you wet?"

"I don't want to talk about it, the faster I can forget this day the better."

"Open them curtains so ol' Merle can take a look at you!" Merle shouts from behind the glass as Abraham draws open the curtains, shocking the redneck into letting go and dropping towards the ground.

"Merle... you ok?" Andrea asks him before she spays him to wake him up and shrugs when she gets no response.

"I guess Merle's not into red heads." Michonne jokes as Abe flashes his short hair and says "His loss, he don't know what he's missing."


	24. Chapter 24 Playing Detective

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Playing Detective  
**

As day shifts to night and the housemates finally turn in for rest, one housemate has become lost inside the crevasses of the house.

"Hello... Abraham... hello... ?" Lori calls from one of the crawl spaces, as she spits out some of the cobwebs that clung to her face.

"Hello... I think I'm stuck in here... oh no... they're spiders in here... I don't wanna die here... it's dirty." Lori begins to cry as a spider lands on her nose freaking her out.

Abe stares up at the ceiling in deep thought, as a loud knock is heard on his door.

"Permission to enter!" He shouts at the door as Rick opens it and Abraham swears under his breath.

"I can't find Lori... where is she? Is she in your closet again!" Rick pries open the closet to find his neatly packed clothes in a Lori-less corner.

"What, when was she in my closet-hey, stop throwing around my stuff!" Abraham tries to push Rick out, only for the sheriff to get in his face.

"You were that last one to see her, and until I find her, I'm gonna be on you like stank on a walker." Rick smirks at the irritated larger male who rolls his eyes and ushers Rick out of his room.

Abraham's confessional. "At this point Rick's just trying to find reasons to get in my face."

"Instead of accusing me about the women in this house, you should be looking for your wife-"

"Ex wife-"

"Whatever Prick, just go, it's to late to deal with you right now."

Rick nods as he looks back into Abraham's room then towards the larger male. "Remember what I said... like stank on a walker-"

Abraham slams the door in Rick's face just to see the sheriff behind him when he turns around, making the man jump and hold his erratically beating heart.

"But you were... how'd you- just get the **beep** out of my room!" Abraham yells back at Rick as he struts out of the room and Abe locks it after making sure his room was clear.

Rick couldn't stand his ex, but he couldn't let her die in this house, it would ruin the clean legacy that Morgan had left behind. Lori had many enemies, but who here could be the cause of her disappearance.

As Rick is pondering, he bumps into Andrea who has a skateboard in one hand and a rubber duckie in another.

"Lori's gone missin', you wouldn't happen to know where she is?" Rick interrogated the blonde as she scoffed and place the rubber duck and the skateboard near the top of the stairs.

"Nope, can't say I know where she is... hey can you be my alibi? If anyone asks, tell them I tripped over this duck that someone left behind, and that I fell down the stairs." Andrea sits on the skateboard before she asks Rick to push her.

"I don't think that is a good idea, you could get hurt-"

"That's the point now push me, and no matter how hard I fall, I don't want you to help me... only Bob can tend to my... wounds."

With a shrug, Rick pushes Andrea down the steps as she and the skateboard tumble down separately.

"Ahh, oh my god my leg!" Andrea calls out form the bottom, of the stairs.

"Rick, why the **beep** are you just standing there, help me-!" Andrea screams out as she's in a lot more pain that expected.

"You told me not to!" Rick responds as he thinks that is still apart of the plan and suddenly plays along.

"Oh naw, poor Andrea, her leg looks like it's in pretty bad shape... someone should help her..." Rick ignores her sobbing as she cries out in pain. "Heelllppp... I... I can't feel my leg!"

"See you around Andrea." Rick walks off as she curses him with her last breath before passing out.

"Now, who else in this house had a connection to Lori and wanted to get rid of her?" Rick muses out loud as the paramedics are wheeling Andrea away.

Rick passes by the confessional room, he hears his flesh and blood Carl, talking about him.

Carl's confessional. "Yeah, my old man aint long for the world, when he dies, I'm totally gonna take over-he's such a dumbass leader-"

"Carl!" Carl jumps out of his seat as the camera focuses on Rick.

"Oh... d-dad, when did you get here?" Carl asks as the camera is trying to get a good angle on the both of them.

"Your mother's missing... you wouldn't happen to know where... maybe you had something to do with it?"

"Sure dad, I got rid of her and stuffed her body in the cellar to hide the evidence-"

"Was that a confession?"

"No, I don't know where she is-and I told you not to play detective, you're just a sheriff, remember last time, you almost got Shane arrested."

"Hey, if it weren't for me, we wouldn't have ever met and you would have never been born."

"What does one of those events have to do with the other?"

"Well Carl, that's just a story for another time... oh and when I die, Morgan will take my place as leader... you spiteful little **beep**." Rick calls back to a stunned Carl as he continues his search for Lori.

"The only two left were Beth and Merle, seeing as Michonne had an alibi. Now, how to go about extracting information from these two? Seeing as I'm running out of leads... it's about time for me to play hard ball."

Andrea wakes up groggy laying in a bed feeling a hand holding hers. She turns to see her tender Bob smiling as she wakes up. "Andrea how are you feeling?" He asks softly.

"Better now that I'm with you." She smiles blissfully.

"Andrea you can't keep hurting yourself to see me. You can literally just come over here and visit like Beth does."

"You know, its faster to travel by ambulance. I'm your only fun patient. Don't you like working on me?" Bob looks into her deranged stare.

"You have to stay off your leg for a while, or else we'll have to amputate it."

"So I get to stay over? Yay it worked." Andrea cheers.

Bob just shakes his head then increases her anesthesia, giving her the chance to get some rest, but also to keep her in bed.

Andrea wakes up a hole day later, she attempts to get out of bed against bob's orders. She figures if she's injured again she'd just fall into his loving arms and care.

Andrea looks over to see a wheel chair and a note in Bob's hand writing. She reads his message to her. "I know you're not going to listen to me, but please just use this. I don't want to have to cut off your leg Andrea." Andrea sulks and sits in the chair. As she's wheeling herself out into the hallway, Andrea purposely knocks her wounded leg against the frame of the door. "That's for you Bob." She whispers smiling on pain.

The hallway camera in the recovery home catches Andrea slowly wheeling herself around. A camera is in her face watching the now startled blonde. "Shane...is that you?" The camera pans around to see Shane, absent his hair and eyebrows, his lips painted blue and adorned in a long robe surrounded in white smoke.

"Yes it is I sunflower child. I am Zen Shane."

"Ohhhhh I get it, I'm hallucinatinnngggg."Shane reaches into his robe and pulls out a large sunflower then tosses it at her face, she screams as she can feel it.

Back at the main house Rick is still playing detective while in search for his annoying ex wife.

As a bright light hits the now conscious Beth and Merle, who were both tied to chairs by Rick, said _detective_ is in the corner of a room, smiling at the confused pair.

"What the **beep** officer Rick, I'm gettin' really tired of your **beep!**" Merle yells as he kicks out against his restraints while cameraman Glenn films his interrogation with a smile.

"What the hell is going on, did you just kidnap us?!" Beth asks out in fear in confusion.

"Some call it a kidnapping... I just call it killing two birds with one stone." Rick smirks as he begins his interrogation.

"So Beth... if that's your real name-let's just cut to the chase!" Rick slides in front of Beth, aiming the light against her face.

"Ok Rick, you finally did it, you finally lost your damn marbles!"

"It aint my marbles that I'm looking for... I know what you did to Lori, fess up and we can make this go fast and easy-"

"I-I didn't do anything to her-I want a layer, where's Michonne? The law demands that I have a layer present-"

"I'M THE LAW NOW!" He screams making the two southerners flinch and squirm against their ropes.

"I'll be your lawyer, yah judge, jury and executioner... and if I don't like what you gotta say... you're gonna pay-Merle, you're next."

Merle nervously looks around the room until he looks at Glenn, who gladly gets a close up of Rick's psychotic face.

"Beth, I know everything, but I kept a lid on it because you are Hershel's daughter... but now... you pushed me too far Beth... FESS UP, SPEAK YOUR CRIMES!"

"F-Fine... I-I sing in the house just to piss people off, I don't even like singing-my dad makes me do it-"

"And?!" Rick pries in even more as Merle starts to holler. "You crazy man, someone help me-!"

Rick pries off little Merle before throwing it towards the side of the room. "Wait your turn Dixon... I got something special planed for you..."

"Beth-"

"Excuse my language, but you aint getting **beep** out of me-!" Beth screams starring him down.

"Tell me what you know!" Rick yells at her.

"Alright, when your beard was shaved off and I told you in privet that it looked good... I was faking it-you looked like an over grown mole rat!"

Rick gabs the chair Beth was tied to and shakes it, only strengthening her resolve and defiance.

"Lori, tell me about Lori-!"

"Yeah, you right, I hated that patronizing **beep**, I left some food in Daryl's room before giving it to her once. Come on Rick, don't tell me that given the chance to get rid of her, you wouldn't take it?" Beth uses her sweet smile to make Rick question her involvement with Lori's disappearance.

"We aint done yet... Greene... we aint done! Your turn Merle... and you'd better tell me what I want to hear."

Beth's confessional. "You're dam right I wasn't gonna tell Rick I put a hit out on Lori. Carol never showed up anyways, so no harm no foul." Beth innocently smiles.

"I aint talking... not without no lay-ow, what the **beep** man!" Merle tries to follow Beth's lead only to be attacked by Rick.

Rick separates Beth's chair from Merle's before pushing his over and kicking Merle in the face.

"You know how Lori is, you couldn't stand to see her with another man... you got jealous and killed her-then you hid the body." Rick accuses.

"No-"

"Yes!" Rick answers for Merle as he looks around the room and walks off into a dark corner, opening a door. Rick walks back and pulls Merle in front of a slightly opened door.

"Well, if you don't wanna talk for me... maybe you'll sing for my little friend here." Rick opens the door wider as a walker stumbles out causing Merle to freak out and kick back at the walker.

"Struggle all you want, you aint gonna get very far without lil' Merle... now tell me what you did to Lori-"

"I **beeped** her ok, I **beeped** her! Is that what you wanna hear?!" Merle kicks the walker down as it nears him, only for it to stumble back up as Rick kicks Merle toward it saying "Wrong answer."

"I aint gonna beg fo' my life, so **beep** off!"

"You're gonna get him killed, we didn't have anything to do with Lori." Beth tries to help Merle from Rick's wrath, as he turns his attention back towards her.

"Oh really, so are you willing to bet your life on Merle's innocence."

"What, nope, do your thing Rick, just forget I'm here..." Beth answers back as she ignores Merle's cries.

"Why don't you just ask one of them **beep**ing camera men, they record everything in this **beep**ing house!" Merle shouts out as Rick nods and finally shoots the walker in the head.

"Glenn, where's Lori?"

"Last time we filmed her, she was in the attic behind the boxes... I think she's still there." Glenn replies back as Rick reaches for Merle's bayonet and cuts Beth free.

"No hard feelings, right Beth?"

"You **beep**ing kidnapped me man! Go **beep** yourself!" She shouts out in anger before rushing out of the room.

"Hey, don't just leave me tied up-free me!" Merle angrily shouts at Rick and Glenn who begin to leave the room.

"Free yourself... oh, and that walker is still alive." Glenn tells the Dixon as he shuts the door on a flailing Merle.


	25. Chapter 25 Sunflower Child

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

_**Sunflower Child** _

At the recovery house, a camera follows Beth as she sneaks around dodging the watchful eye of her father Hershel, in order to see her date for the night, Garreth. She shows up to a room with a candle light dinner setting but the plates are bare, the glasses too. "Garreth?" She walks in locking the door.

"Hey Beth!" She jumps as he pops up behind her.

"Dammit, stop doing that, you're gonna kill me one of these days." Garreth licks his lips at the thought.

"Where's all the food?" Beth questions.

"It just arrived...you see Beth you're the main course."

Beth backs up slowly, "oh **beep**!"

A camera follows Andrea closely as she rolls her wheelchair back into her room. Bob is already waiting for her inside. He smiles at first but then sees new bruises on her arms. "Andrea where did these come from?"

"I listened to you and stopped injuring my leg...and the arms were the next best thing so..."

Bob sighs and kneels down in front of her chair, looking up at her he can't hide the love he has for her. "Andrea I have to do this, you obviously wont stop hurting yourself so, I'll have to give you a reason to stop."

"Wait, are you breaking up with me? You're breaking up with a person in a wheelchair?" Andrea becomes furious. "If I can't walk away from you, you're not aloud to walk away from me either!"

"I'm doing this for your own good Andrea."

"But you're literally the only non insane guy I've ever been into. Bob!" She screams at him as he leaves the room.

Beth is seated on top of the dinner table as Garreth is sucking off some strawberry syrup from her finger. She raises an eyebrow feeling his mouth slightly nibbling at her digit. "Now Garreth we talked about this, no chewing, no nibbling...ouch! No biting!"

In another attempt to get him accustomed to the greatness that is non-human food, she brushes her hair from her shoulder and watches as he sprays a puffy cloud of whipped cream on her neck. She looks at him again, "no teeth, Garreth, watch your teeth!"

Beth's confessional. "Most of the population are walkers now...sometimes you just gotta make it work, even when its with someone who literally wants to eat you. I know the only real difference between Gareth and a walker is that one isn't rotting from the inside."

Beth is going over some past negotiations she'd made with Garreth.

"Now lets go over a few things, who do we not eat?"

Garreth replies obediently. "You or you're daddy."

"And who do we eat if given the chance?"

"Shane." He answers.

"Good. You've remembered."

Garreth hands Beth a menu and smiles at the sweet looking blonde. "What's this?" She asks.

"Its a menu of all the food I'd like to make for you."

Beth starts to read from the list. "Pickled Rick's feet, Merle'oroonie and cheese, Shane-ca bob, Michonne-suey, Abera-hamberber, Bob-B que, Lori-Chops, oh and for desert...Ice cream with Carl-mel." She smiles at Garreth. "I see we're gonna have to have another talk." She shuts the menu.

Beth's confessional. Glenn sighs behind the camera, not only worried for his sister in law's new relationship with Garreth but for her underhanded dealings within the house.

"Beth do you ever worry about the things you've done in the house catching up to you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You did cook up Merle's hand and feed it to him, Daryl, and Rick." Beth then gives off a look that alludes to them deserving it, though she wont admit to the act.

"That never happened." Beth shrugs.

Footage is provided of Beth's dealings from a few days ago with Garreth. An overhead camera catches Beth as she walks into the recovery home while Garreth is walking over to greet her. She's holding something wrapped in a blue bandana and hands it to Gareth. "There's some real deserving boys in that house that need a dinner they'll loose a limp over."

"Beth you brought me a hand." Gareth salivates.

"Its Merle's hand." Beth answers with mischief in her eyes.

"It looks a little stale but I'll see what I can do."

The footage switches back to Beth's confessional currently in progress. "We have footage of you on tape Beth, you can't lie to me."

Beth just shrugs, "I still don't recall."

Back at the recovery house, Zen Shane adorns both an angry Andrea and Morgan's head's with flowers, the room is filled with a calming scent. Andrea is both scared and fascinated by the new Shane, but something about this didn't seem right.

"Come children, it's time praise the earth for her loving embrace!" Shane calls out to Morgan, Andrea and even Gareth who was stopping by with Bob and Hershel on crutches.

"Am I the only one who's confused here, I mean why is he acting like this?" Andrea wonders out loud.

"Hey Andrea, can we talk in private?" Morgan asked, never waiting for a response as he wheels the blonde out of room, away form Shane's shaky glance.

"So, are you gonna tell me what's going on with Shane?"

"That man's more insane than ever, but he pretends to hold it together, the staff just plays along because they can't afford to let him out of their sight... also, how's..."

Morgan looks around the empty hallway before whispering Rick's name.

"Oh, Rick is fine, he shoved me down the steeps and that bastard couldn't even tell that I was really in pain-"

"Shhh, don't let Shane hear you say his name... last time I mentioned Rick, he went berserk and nearly cut off Bob and Gareth's heads with a hatchet. Shane wants to purify everything, even memories of Rick, now I know I tried to clear, but this is ridiculous."

Shane chants. "Rick is everything the is evil! Ignorance, lies, murder and... he also has no rhythm... let us cleanse ourselves of the fool who masquerades as king..."

Everyone hums in unison as Shane walks around the room and stops in front of their new guest, Andrea.

"Tell me, one who shots wrong, the reason you are wounded."

"Well, I was pushed down the stairs-"

"By who's hands my child, speak his name?!"

"Uh... Rick?"

"And Morgan, who's shenanigans forced you to leave that house..."

"Pretty much everyone-"

"Yes, but who led these band of fools?"

Morgan sighs as he whispers Rick, making Shane give a fake gasp of shock.

"You see my brothers and sisters, he is evil in the flesh!"

"Hershel, who's wife shot you in the leg-"

"Rick's but I heard they are divorced now. I don't hold a grudge against him."

"And poor Gareth, who's passion for cooking was defiled by Rick's love of mother earth's animals... he stands before us, stripped of his love of exotic cuisine, just to satisfy Rick's lust for beef!"

"Yeah, he wouldn't let me cook Carl, that selfish jerk, I mean, he had one kid, why can't he have another and let me have Carl?!"

Andrea quickly regrets everything she's done to end up here.

Shane notices Andrea wheeling herself out of the room in a hurry. She desperately wants to get back to the main house. Shane steps out into the hallway calling out to her and suddenly the wheels of her chair become stuck. "**Beep beep beep**!" She swears in frustration. "**Beeeepppp**!" She screams realizing she can't get away.

"Ceilings are just floors that no one can talk on." Shane says as he presses his hands together like he's praying.

"What?!" Andrea screams.

"A chair has 4 legs, yet it never runs when someone tries to sit on it."

"Oh my god why is this happening to me?" Andrea questions as she tiredly covers her face with her hands.

"Are you truly a free spirit when you're trapped in a body."

"I don't know what the **beep** you are saying!"

Beth comes down the steps hearing Andrea's voice and rushes towards her grabbing the handles of her wheel chair. "Lord of the light that shines, I must take sunflower child back, her welted petals need tending too." Shane waves a hand and suddenly Andrea's wheel chair can move and it moves fast as Beth is rushing her down the hall.

"Beth what the hell was that?"

"I've been around here long enough to figure out Shane's bull**beep** lingo."

"He's rallying people against, Rick."

"It wont go anywhere. If he steps one foot out of the house, Garreth will eat him."

"What do you mean eat him."

"Exactly what I said."

"Beth why is your neck bleeding?"

"Don't ask."


	26. Chapter 26 Paranoid Minds

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Paranoid Minds**

Michonne comes into Abraham's bedroom holding up a tiny mike wedged between her fingers.

"look what I found in my headboard."

"What the hell is that?" He says walking towards her and gently taking the small device from her fingertips. "They have the beds miked in this place?"

"Yes, we should check your bed. Anything you do in here you don't want them listening to?" Michonne teased.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He said smirking then stepped aside as she crawled onto his bed.

Rick is looking around for Michonne and thinks to check Abe's bedroom, "obviously she's in there with him," he whispers to himself and seams angry as a camera catches him approaching Abe's closed door.

He hears the bed knocking against the wall followed by Abraham's voice, "Michonne slow down girl, you're gonna break the bed."

"Well help me get it out then! The fit is too tight." Her voice coolly snaps back before the sound of the bed violently squeaking to the added weight of Abraham, followed by the headboard slamming against the wall is sending Rick's imagination and frustration into overdrive.

Rick kicks the door open, the sight of Michonne facing the head of the bed, with her hands braced against it, along with Abraham right behind her causes him to stumble back before shouting at the two, while he shoots a bullet at the ceiling.

"Hey you two, cut it out! We got walkers outside and we need all able bodies out of this house and at the border! Now!"

Rick steps aside as Abraham practically flies out of the room at the chance to kill some walkers, but a more skeptical Michonne stays behind. She sighs as Rick looks towards her katana before handing it to her, in attempt to get her to leave Abraham's room. Michonne takes her katana and stabs the headboard, destroying the device while Rick watches her in amusement.

"Great now I've left a hole in his headboard." She sighs and looks at Rick. "I was trying to get a mike out of his headboard." Michonne sways over towards Rick who tilts his head with a smirk.

"And you expect me to believe that? I'm crazy not stupid."

"Your opinion, not mine... and there isn't really a breach is there..."

"You're welcome." Rick smirks as he walks away from an irritated Michonne, who goes off to look for her friend, that's chasing imaginary walkers outside.

Rick's confessional. "If there's one thing that can tear Abraham away from Michonne its killing walkers. She don't act like it, but she innocent... it's that man I don't trust having her in his bed like that, with her back turned to him like that... now I see what Morgan meant by seein' red. Oh I saw red alright, and red's gonna have an accident if he don't shape up."

Abraham's confessional. "I just feel like wherever I go, Rick is already there! It's like he can sense when I'm at my peak of happiness with Michonne-what the **beep**, is that you Rick?!"

Abraham jumps out of the seat as he sees that's it's Rick filming him behind the camera.

"Yup, just keep talking dirt bag, I'ma expose you for the piece o' **beep** you are." He whispers to Ford as he does a close up on the stunned and confused man's face.

One of the producers is shocked to see Rick behind the camera and asked the staff how he even got there before escorting both men out of the room.

"Until you leave Michonne alone, I aint gonna leave you alone! Got it Ford-better get used to this face, cause it's gonna be the first and last thing you ever see."

"Listen here man, I just wanted to have a good time with Michonne and I'm feeling a little attached right now."

"Good... remember what I said..." Rick backs away into another room before vanishing from his sight.

Michonne's confessional. Michonne looks into the camera, as the cameraman records her with bated breath. "Rick is an idiot, he overreacts to every little thing-"

"No I don't!"

"Rick is that you? leave Abraham and I alone!"

"Oh... no... and no." He answers back before Michonne gets up and leaves with Rick and a now conscious camera man angrily following after him.

As the day draws into night, Rick's pursuit of Abraham is not only relentless, but driving the man into a state of paranoia.

"Ah, finally... I can relax..." Abraham tuns on his shower before dropping his towel and stepping inside. As the camera blurs out his lower regions, the film turn to static as the next shot is of Rick behind the unaware man.

"Don't forget to wash around your ears..." Rick whispers against Abraham's back as the man screams and turns around. Rick is seen running out of the bathroom and into the empty hallway before shutting and locking his door.  
Abraham is seen in a towel knocking on Rick's door as a fully clothed Rick is walking up behind Abraham.

"What the **beep** is going on, you crazy **beep**, why were you in my shower?!"

"What are you talking about, I was in the kitchen the entire time... you're losing it man, you keep that up and you'll get thrown out of this house."

"I know what I saw... just stay away from me..." Abraham walks back towards his room to find it locked from the inside.

"You **beep**ed with my door?"

"Come on Abraham, you know how Michonne hates crazy guys... besides, how could I have locked it when I was in the living room."

"You said you were in the kitchen!"

"Are you sure-"

"Don't **beep** with me man!"

Rick holds up his hands with a smirk before walking away.

"This aint over Prick! I'll just have to finish my shower in Michonne's bathroom!" Abraham calls back as Rick stops and glares back.

"How about you just use your own bathroom instead of trying to lie your way into Michonne's."

"The door's locked" Abraham tries the door to see it unlocked and even open. As Abraham looks back up, Rick is gone... or was he even there to begin with.

In Abraham's bedroom, Michonne is snacking away on some potato chips as Abe is coming out of his bathroom with his shirt off. Michonne looks over at him and smiles, "What is that on your abdomen?"

"Its a tattoo. You wanna see it?"

Michonne puts her chips aside walking over to him as he says "you gotta get pretty low to see it."

She gets on her knees as Abe's back is facing the open door. Rick is waking by the room when he hears Michonne's voice, "oh its so big... it's really long though."

"You know what they say, the bigger the better. It's my pride and joy." He praises his tattoo as furious Rick charges towards him.

"Dammit you leave her be!" Rick turns a startled and confused Abraham around before punching him square in the face.

Abraham backhands Rick across the face in anger, as the sheriff blacks out.

Rick wakes up, to Michonne's face hovering over him.

"Michonne you shouldn't have looked at it...you better then that..."

"Rick, you're rambling. How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Michonne you were on your knees, you can't put your mouth there...I saw you..."

"You saw me looking at Abe's tattoo?"

"What...no, you were..."

"Looking at a man's tattoo. Dammit Rick, his pants were all the way on."

"Did I win?"

"No you got knocked out with his first punch... well slap. If it helps, he feels real sorry about your eye, I sent him to go get some ice."

Michonne looks down at Rick before brushing some hairs away from his face. "Rick, we need to talk... you know Abraham and I are just friends rights?"

"Well you two seem pretty close to be friends."

"This coming from the man who took showers with Daryl and Morgan."

"They needed someone to wash their backs!"

"Rick... what am I to you, why do you care so much about who I hang out with, Beth is dating a cannibal for crying out loud, why don't you bother her-"

"So I'm a bother now." Rick pouts as Michonne sighs and says no.

"You know when you're makin' a cake but it comes out slightly burnt, so you cover it in icing to make it better?" Rick muses as Michonne nods her head.

"Well Michonne... you're my icing... and I don't wanna see some stranger dipping his fingers into you."

"Rick... how hard did you hit your head?" Michonne says with a blush as Rick shrugs and laughs it off.

"I think I see stars... if you were a star, you'd be the brightest one of all... like the sun." Rick points past her and at the ceiling.

"Rick, you're hallucinating, get some rest-and stop bothering Abraham!"

"I can't promise that-"

"Rick, leave the man alone-you're lucky you got off with only a concussion."

"If you were a seed, I'd plant you in my garden"

"Dammit Abe, when is he coming back with that ice?"

Meanwhile, as Abraham passes Rick's interrogation room, the cries of a fellow housemate distract him from his pilgrimage to deliver Rick his ice. "Help meh, someone open this door-!"

Abraham hears Merle's cries from behind a closed room before kicking the locked door open and pulling Merle out.

"Why are you tied up-?"

"That crazy son of a **beep** locked me in a room with a walker... it's still in there. Following me like dog with a bone. I aint gonna let Rick get away with this!"

Abraham perks up at the chance to kill a walker and rushes into the room and winking at the hungry walker before taking it's head and happily bashing it into the wall.

"You aint so bad solider... you know I was in the army too... we got a lot in common."

"Right, aside from being a racist, perverted, druggy... you're still a brother in arms... unlike Rick."

"He messin' with you too?"

"Rick keeps finding me wherever I go, he's like bug that you just can't kill and when you're layin' down on your bed, he's just there, staring at you from the ceiling-"

"Damn Sargent, you got it worse than I do. Maybe he put a trackin' chip in yah, like I did wif Daryl."

"You put a chip in your brother?"

"Sure, don't you notice that he's always looking for me, but I never have to look for him... he always sniffing me out, so I never got the chance to use my trakin' chip though... if you want I can put a chip in our dear leader. That man's a few twigs sort of a branch, if you know what I mean."


	27. Chapter 27 House Cat and Lone Wolf

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**House Cat and Lone Wolf  
**

"Alright Mi-chonne, we gave you and Daryl yo space and I think it's about time we let bygones be bygones." Merle says as she is reading an old magazine about swords and katanas before throwing the book down and standing up.

"Fine, I'm ready when you are."

"Ok, I got a little plan, Daryl loves role play so... "

Michonne, already privy to Daryl's kinks, expected this. "I know. I'm in, how do we get him back?"

"Follow me and bring that there bag."

Moments later, Michonne is angrily leaning against the wall in cat ears, a long tail, black leather pants and vest. Merle hands her a stake to tease Daryl with once he's close enough. She then watches as he brings out a black magic marker.

"Hold still I'mma draw you a pair o' wishers-"

"No whiskers." She backs away from him as he uncaps the marker.

"Aint no such thing as a cat wif no whiskers-now you want em' straight or curly, come on woman, make up yo' mind before this ink dries?"

"... Straight... " She murmurs before Merle draws three pairs of lines on her face, along with four pairs of freckles on her cheeks.

"I'll get some pink marker for your nose-"

"Dammit Merle, we don't have time for this!"

"Now Michonne, this aint gonna work unless you act and sound like a cat... lemme hear it... gimme a good loud catcall."

With a sigh, Michonne plays along and gives him her best catcall. "Hey sexy... you seem dirty, maybe I should lick you-"

"Naw, that's good, but no, like a meow Michonne-yowl!"

"Me... ow." She says in boredom as Merle stomps his feet in frustration. "Dammit girl, put some **beep**ing life in it, you sound like you on your last life!"

Merle takes Michonne by the tail as he leads her towards the gate. "Ok Mich-onne, you a sexy black cat in heat, lookin' for a hot slice of dirty dog, when you meow, you gotta feel it, in you inner cat! Now run off girl, show Daryl yo cat!"

Michonne lazily walks off into the forest "Showing Daryl my cat is what got me in this mess in the first place."

"Oh, by the way Michonne, you'd better hurry up with that meat, bears and walkers could sniff you out, so good luck. And I aint opening this here gate until you bring my baby brother back."

As Michonne runs into the forest, she ties the meat to her tail and places it over her shoulder, out of reach from walkers that could come running towards the smell.

"Daryl... I mean..." She looks around as she mutters Me-ow. The bushes begin to shake before two walkers come out to greet her.

Michonne cuts them down and continues her search for Daryl. "Dar-I mean Me-ow. Come on, this isn't funny anymore come out Dixon."

"Well look what we've got here, a pretty little kitty for me to gnaw on, how sweet." Michonne turns around to see a dirty old man and his band of scrawny _wolves,_ then she spots Daryl emerging as one of them.

"Daryl?"

"No, his name is Wolfie four... he's working his way up to Wolfie two. I'm Joe and these here are my dogs-"

"I don't care, Daryl come on... it's time to come home." Michonne approaches him before he turns away. "This here is my pack, they understand me, hunt with me... they made me throw away my collar Michonne-I'mma big dog now!"

"See that, he don't wanna go back with you, house cat!" Joe teases as he snaps his fingers, singling for his band of dogs to circle a very bored and over it Michonne. She grabs the hilt of her katana, preparing for their attack.

"What, we aint gonna attack her are we... lets just let her go-" Daryl says as Joe looks back at him with a growl.

"Here's your test to prove your loyalty, claim that cat!"

All of the other dogs howl as Daryl looks sadly at Michonne, the pack back away to let him approach her. When he is near enough, he stands face to face with her before muttering "sorry."

"I'm sorry to." She says as she unleashes her katana. Daryl jumps on Michonne and begins to lick her check with affection before Michonne smiles pushing him off. They suddenly stand together, facing Joe's group.

"Sorry that I gotta kick this band of puppies ass's and dirty up my sword." Michonne says as Daryl growls at Joe, aiming his cross bow at the now scared pack of men.

"You a traitor Daryl-"

"Naw, I aint no traitor, Michonne... she my rightful owner, she claimed me once and I hope she'll do it again! I'll do anything for her, so back the **beep** off before I make me some dog soup!"

"That must be some good kitty." One of the dogs mutter before Daryl barks out a "Shut up!" making Joe's number three wolf whimper.

Michonne flicks her katana before threatening. "Now I'll give you sorry sack of fleas three seconds to get out of my face... one."

"I know, how about we trade." Daryl says, not wanting Michonne to commit mass murder... again. Daryl take's Michonne's stake and holds it before the drooling _dogs_.

"What is this trade you speak of... ?" Joe eyes the stake with suspicion as Daryl stands up a bit straighter.

"It's a human thing, I gave you this stake if you leave me and my... friend alone. Deal."

"Can I lick your cat friend to-"

"You will get the **beep**ing stake and like it!" Daryl throws the meat far off into the forest as Joe's group runs off.

"You don't know what you missing out on... come back and join us."

"Naw, this aint my home, it never was... now get!" Daryl fires off a cross bow at the retreating Joe before turning around to nod towards Michonne.

"You know, I was actually looking forward to killing those dirty dogs... but this works too." She smiles.

"Yeah, besides, them walkers can smell that meat form a mile away... they aint gonna last too long out here anyway... and why you wearin' a cat suite fore?"

"I let Rick put me in some ridiculous maid outfit, so in comparison this is pretty low key." Michonne shrugs as Daryl sulks for missing out on Michonne's _cos-play_.

"I missed you in some pretty frills-now I really wanna go back home... and take a shower."

"You... you really want to take a shower... wow, you really have changed."

"Yeah... well I got dirt in placed that I didn't even know existed... and I'm so itchy right now, that I hope to gawd it's just fleas."

Footage from later that day. Michonne walks in first, as Daryl half expects the group to throw him a welcome back party in his honor. As he walks in, the group is playing cards on the living room table, half look up to see him and Michonne, while the others are too into the game to acknowledge his arrival.

"Guess who's back-" he starts but is cut off by Rick.

"Michonne, you're back... I knew this house felt a bit too empty... come here and take a set... next to me." Rick says before scooting next to Abraham, making space for Michonne to sit next to only him and not her redheaded friend.

Abraham see's Rick mockingly leering back at him before sighing out and saying "Really?"

Rick smiled at Michonne before Daryl kicked the short table his group was gathered around, spilling some of their cards.

"No, it's me Daryl, I'm back-"

"Oh hey Daryl... welcome back... Ha, go fish **beep!**" Beth says as she takes a card from Merle who sucks his teeth annoyance.

"That's all I get, a hey Daryl, all y'all some cold ass **beeps**!"

"Well it's not like you haven't run off before... we knew you'd come back... you always do." Beth tries to peek at Rick's cards as he spitefully hides them from her view.

"Oh you're back, ugh Daryl you smell like a walker stuck in **beep**, and why is Michonne wearing a cat suit-Rick!" Abraham accuses Rick who glares back at him.

"It wasn't me! You always act like I'm out to get you or something." Rick says making himself look innocent. Abraham places his cards in the back of his pocket before walking over to greet Michonne.

"Why are you playing cards-?" She asks as Abe.

"Somehow, Rick managed to horde every inch of food in the kitchen so we're playing cards for food pretty much." Abraham looks to his left to see Daryl shamelessly checking out Michonne in her cat suit.

"Dammit Michonne, change out of those clothes!" Abraham shouted before looking over towards a dirty and itchy Daryl. "When are you gonna shower man, the smell's burning my eyes!"

"Yeah, I know, well 'Chonne is gonna give me a bath later so-" Daryl stops noticing Abe's flared nostrils and is completely unaware of his recent protective nature over Michonne.

"Nope." Abraham shakes his head confusing Daryl as he grabs the redneck by the back of his shirt. Abe continues to drag him out like a dog while Daryl is kicking and screaming.

Merle cries out as he collapses on the ground and grabs Abraham's ankle, in an attempt to save Daryl. "Derrryyll... naw, dis man takin' mey dog, someone help meh, help meh pup!"

"Hurry look at his cards." Beth whispers as Andrea lifts them up and switches them with his own.

"You a dog napper-give him back-someone help meh, brute's taking meh dog!" Merle is kicked off by an angry Abe as he continues to drag Daryl outside.

"No, not mey baby bro-he's just a pup!"

As Merle hears a splash, he begins to weep for his half drowned brother. "It's ol' Spot all over again!"

Merle comes out of the house seeing Daryl face down and floating in the pool.

"Derryylll, naw not mey baby brother-you killed him!" Merle shouts out as he drags Daryl's unconscious body from the pool and lays his towards the side.

"Don't worry bro, I'mma save you wif a kiss o' life!" As Merle presses him lips to Daryl's, he begins to squirm about.

"Ugh... Chonne I know you'd come back-ah, what the **beep** Merle?!"

"Well no wonder you were moaning, and here I thought I was a good kisser." Merle mused as he wiped his lips and looked over at Abraham who laughed at their display of _brotherly love_.

"Why'd you stop for... is it cause I'm here... you looked pretty into it." Abraham mocks.

Michonne's confessional. "So Michonne, how do you feel about these men always putting you in salacious outfits?"

Michonne looks directly into the camera then towards Glenn behind it. "Me...ow."


	28. Chapter 28 The Holy Trinity

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. Warning: Sexual terms, bad planning and crude humor ahead.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World'. **

**The Holy Trinity**

Andrea's confessional "Daryl has been sulking around the house for the past day or so. So Rick, our _dear leader_, has devised a surprise to show Daryl that he was truly wanted."

Rick has gathered everyone but Daryl in the living room.

He has Michonne on his right and a skeptical Merle on his left.

"You and Merle know what Daryl likes the best, he seemed down so I've come up with the perfect group activity to cheer him up."

"Alright then, what's the plan?" Michonne asks as Rick smiles and says one word.

"Orgy."

"No." Abraham says before Lori pipes up too. "What the hell are you thinking? Carl is too young for that!"

"Carl and Beth aint included! They're just gonna be in charge of the snacks... I don't want naked people handling our food."

"And speaking o' nudes handlin' our meat, where am I in this plan o' yours?" Merle asks.

Rick turns toward the whiteboard as he draws a stick figure and labels it Merle. "You'll be here... Lori..." Rick draws a line with a frown on it's long face and labels it Lori. "You can be here, I don't want anyone getting pocked by accident with Lori's bones, or your bayonet."

"Rick, I'm not doing this... not with some of these people... " Michonne speaks out as Abraham nods in agreement.

"No, no, it's fine, Ford can be here... where's my red marker?" Rick looks around before picking it off of the floor. He draws a big red blob in the corner, then draws green circles on it to symbolize his army pants.

"Why am I all alone?" Abraham asks Rick in confusion.

"Because I said so... I don't wanna see you naked."

"Yeah, like in the shower?"

"I told you, you were imagining thangs."

Michonne rolls her eyes before walking up to the whiteboard and pulling Rick aside.

"You're not really serious about this are you?"

"Fine, what's your plan then?"

"Come on Rick, for once in your life, just think of a back up plan." Michonne urges before he realizes that Daryl wouldn't like an orgy at all, it involves to much sharing.

"You're right Michonne follow me." Rick tells the group that the plan is off before grabbing his whiteboard and markers and telling Michonne to find Daryl and bring him up to her room.

Moments later, Rick props the whiteboard stand in front of Andrea's bed and draws some ideas down on it.

"Alright I'm here, what chu' need?" Daryl plops down on Michonne's bed, as she sits down right beside him, igniting old memories.

"I've come up with a plan, to get you back in the _swing_ of thangs... you, me and Michonne."

"What you mean you, meh and Chonne, we goin' for a run or somethin'?" Daryl asks as Rick draws three stick figures and a square beneath them. The middle one is colored in brown while the other two are left nameless and featureless.

"We gonna have ourselves a threesome, Michonne you take the middle, I'll be on top-"

"Nope." Daryl interrupts before taking the marker from Rick.

"Man you crazy if you think we're gonna do this!"

Rick frowns, thinking that his plan was fool prof.

"You aint no top Rick, not now, not ever-especially over Chonne, you get bottom Rick."

Rick sighs as Michonne is staring at the whiteboard with little to no interest.

"Fine. Then write on the whiteboard your position and we'll work our way from there." Rick hands Daryl the rest of his markers before Daryl squints at the board. He turns back towards his friend and asks "How do you spell po-sit-ion."

"Sound it out." Michonne tries to help Daryl with his spelling, as Rick suddenly reaches underneath the bed, in search for something.

"What are you doing?" Michonne asks as he replies "just checking for Carl."

"I'm not under that bed, I'm under Andrea's." Carl pipes up as Daryl pulls him out and Rick tells him to leave. "Why can't Michonne be on top?" He yells as Rick tells him to get out before closing the door.

"Why we need a plan for this anyways?" Daryl asks Rick who responds by saying, "Cuz I don't want anyone ending up in the wrong hole. I love you Daryl but there's a limit."

Michonne's confessional. "I don't even know why this is happening. When Rick comes up with these plans I mentally... and emotionally check out. You can't use logic when it comes to Rick."

"Hold on, let me get Merle, he's good at planning out these type of things." Daryl says with confidence.

"And how the hell do you know that?" Michonne questions.

"Never mind that... Merle!"

"What you want baby brother?"

"Chonne and I doin' a thresome-"

"So I guess she fixin' for some double Dixon, I finally get a turn wif her. I bet she's a frisky little kitty-"

"Naw, me, Rick and her... we need help planning it."

"For you baby brother, I'll do my best, but don't be surprised if that woman don't like what I got planned."

In the room, Merle erases Rick's stick figures and draws new ones.

"Why's that one in the middle so black?" Rick asks as Merle says "It's Mich-onne's hair!"

"Where's my hair?" Rick asks yet again interrupting Merle's concentration before the redneck lashes out "I aint **beep**ing done yet, I only gots one hand!"

"Nice try Merle, you don't need two hands to draw... especially that badly." Michonne says as Rick smirks at Merle, who slams his bayonet against the board in anger.

"Is this a menaj-ah-twa or an art class-now, shut the **beep** up and let meh think!" Merle huffs as Michonne and Rick shrug and wait for him to continue.

"Now, there is a multitude o' ways we can do this, we need a whip-"

"No whips." Michonne side eyes him before he continues. "The whip's for you to use woman! Now what you like better, whipped cream or jello-?"

Andrea walks in on their conversation in shock and wonder. "Whats going on?"

"Merle's helping us make a threesome." Daryl says as he leans against Michonne, who scratches him behind his ear.

"What the** beep**-no, this is all wrong!" Andrea snatches the marker from Merle and pushes the man away from the whiteboard.

"Y'all don't need props and planning, you need a story!"

"What the **beep**, this aint no soap opera!" Merle tries to take the marker away from her before she pulls a gun on him, making him back up.

Andrea starts to think out loud. "Ok, how about this... Michonne is a lost lonely woman looking for a good time, then an officer stops her... he's looking for a criminal-"

"Am I the officer?" Rick asks in excitement. "No it's Daryl, what the **beep** do you think? of course it's you!"

Michonne takes out a sheet of paper and begins taking notes. "What time does this take place?"

"How the **beep** should I know-" Andrea snaps.

"Some story this is." Merle jokes before Andrea aims her gun towards him then at the bed, making him sit down.

Andrea resumes her thought process. "Michonne's held captive by the bandit Daryl who wants her **beep**!"

"Her **beep****?**!" Daryl asks in fear and confusion.

"Yeah, her **beep**!" Merle chuckles.

"One more word and I'll kill you." Andrea warns the Dixon brothers before she continues.

"Rick and Daryl, being men willing to compromise, agree that Michonne will be let free... after they both share her-" Andrea is interrupted by Rick, who has a better idea.

"How about Daryl and Michonne share me instead... I don't mind-It's uh, for the good of the group... they need to know that they can trust me."

"When do I get to **beep** her?" Daryl asks in frustration.

"After act five."

"I aint waitin for no five act's, I want some **beep**y."

Andrea slams her hand on the whiteboard in frustration. "No, no, no! follow the **beep**ing story, it will ignite the passion." Andrea urges.

"Maybe we should just do it and see where it goes... " Michonne says in a tired voice before yawning.

"If we're doing this, we're going to do it right! Michonne is the damsel in distress, Daryl's the bad guy and Rick's the hero-" Andrea is yet again interrupted by Merle.

"How he the hero, when he's working wif' Daryl to get into Michonne's pants? Sound like a dirty cop to meh... is he a dirty cop?" Merle asks as Rick nods in agreement. Daryl sighs out in frustration before standing up and taking the marker from Andrea.

"Dammit, that's it, I'm out, I'm only doing this anyway to git with 'Chonne and I can't even **beep** her with y'all **beep**in' it up!" He looks at her as her normally emotionless face becomes sadly expressive. "Daryl... if you didn't like the idea, you should had said so."

"It aint the idea, it's everybody else that I don't like?" He shout at Andrea who gasps in mock shock.

"So we aint doing the story no more?" Rick chimes in.

"**Beep** the story, everybody get the **beep** out!"

"You can't kick me out of my own room!" Andrea yells.

"You get out first." He screams at the blonde.

As the room is quiet Daryl and Michonne sit down on Michonne's all to familiar bed. She looks at him and sighs, "I'm tired, you wanna lay down?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Daryl, just to sleep."

"Yea...yea I can do that."

Rick pops his head back into the room. "Am I still invited?"

Daryl and Michonne share a look then both shrug in unison as Daryl waves Rick in, "Alright, but no spooning... either of us."


	29. Chapter 29 Carl's Tears

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**Carl's Tears**

Lori's confessional. "I've been unsure about where I stand with Merle. He hasn't had much to do with me since that one encounter before Rick and I split up. So when Merle said he wanted to spend some quality time with Carl and bond with him, it touched my heart. I can tell he's gonna be so sweet and gentle with my baby boy.

In the afternoon, a camera films Merle bringing Carl into the back yard to play some sports.

"Ima toughen you up kid. You in my yard now. No doubt officer friendly raised you with a touch as light as a feather."

Merle brings out what is supposedly their ball, but as the camera zooms closer, its just a big rock wrapped in leaves and vines, covered in dirt.

"When Daryl and I was younger we aint have no bouncy ball, we played with rocks, hell a luxury was a dam turtle. Now I'm being good to ya kid, I went out and found the roundest rock I could-start you off all easy and **beep**."

Merle throws the ball and nails Carl right in the stomach, causing the little rascal to hunch over in pain. "You see that?! You too soft! Daryl used to catch it in his teeth, one time I got him right in the face and he turned out better, learned algebra. All that knowledge knocked right into em."

Carl cries out rocking on the ground, "I want my dad!"

"I'm yo daddy now! Boy you're a dam Dixon now, aint no more time for tears."

Merle's confessional. "I wanna show Lori I can be a good father figure to her little **beep**y kid. If this don't work out I can just dump the kid, his mamma too, But for right now, Merle's got himself a son."

"Come on Carl we gon' get some scrapes on yo knees."

Merle calls for Daryl, who brings a sack that's dripping with blood and slightly moving.

"This yo' uncle Daryl now! Show him how it's done baby brother."

"Alright kid, you good with a gun, but lemme see how well you can skin a opossum. This one just had kids, so she a little stretchy." Daryl motions towards his bag.

Daryl hands a confused Carl a knife before he hesitantly reaches out for the bloody bag.

"Naw, theses are mine, you gotta catch your own... then we gonna make some surprise stew."

"Why can't we just eat the food in the kitchen-"

"Kitchen foods for **beep**ies-now hunt some squirrels or starve." Daryl commands the little boy to chase after the rabid rodents.

"Now remember Carl, if they start to foam, don't bring em home-"

"Yeah, like Daryl's first girlfriend-"

"Man **beep** you, she was already infected!" Daryl pushes Merle before Merle shoves him back laughing.

"Dammit, I want my dad and I'm not eating a rat! I grew up in a house not a trailer park, I don't need this!" Carl throws down the hunting knife, making both Dixons gasp.

"W-what?" Carl freaks out by their reaction.

"Boy, you don' thrown down the gauntlet!"

"Throwin' a huntin' knife, is like a slap in the face where we come from! Merle, hold my crossbow."

"What, you can't fight me I'm just a kid-"

"When I was a kid I killed an alligator, just cuse it looked crossed eyed, what you think I'mma do to you!" Daryl circles the now frighted Carl before pouncing on him.

"Tap out son, just tap out, you aint ready yet!" Merle calls out to a red faced Carl in Daryl's choke-hold.

Carl's confessional. "Those **beep**ing psychopaths actually tried to kill me for dropping a knife, what the **beep** was my mom thinking? I hate her!"

Moments later, back inside the house a camera follows Lori as she comes up to Merle with a vital suggestion.

"Now Merle, us being a family...you know it aint gon work until you make an honest women outta meh."

"You aint ever gonna be that...but I'll marry you anyway. After this wedding we can knocks some boots!"

Daryl has taken it upon himself to be Merle's wedding planner.

"So Daryl, what's your plan for the weddin-" Andrea asks as he hold up a dirty hand in joy.

"I'mma put in the full Dixon charm. A pettin' zoo for the young... half the animals will be dead but, we'll just cook em for dinner!"

"Um... and the cake?" Andrea says in concern.

"We gon make ourselves some red velvet cake. I already got the colorin' down."

Daryl shoves his hands into a bucket of flour before tearing red flower petals off of some roses and dumping it in the bowl.

"Dammit, need to wash me hands... only the best for you brother!" Daryl licks his hands before licking the equipment that he will use for his baking.

"We need more red stuff!" Daryl shouts out towards Andrea who looks around for some food coloring. "Naw! I don't want no artificial **beep**-gimme that raccoon!"

Daryl takes out the innards of the raccoon and shrugs as he drains it into the bowl.

"The blood will be the color, water and flavor-I'm damn near a chef! **Beep** culinary school, you can't teach natural talent- Andrea, hurry up with them giblets- we need some fats to make it moist!" Daryl takes a deep breath as he takes a lick of the batter and smiles in pride.

"Now for the sweet stuff... where's Beth with them bees- Dammit girl you can't run from some insects, charm em wif your voice!"

Beth runs around the yard before frantically screaming as the bees surround her.

"Beth, get in the water!" Michonne advises the girl before she uses her katana to stab the hive and run inside with it.

"Thanks Chonne, but where's Beth? I don't want no slackers in my kitchen... tell her to get her **beep** in gear-"

"She was under the water... last time I saw her." Michonne replies.

Beth walks into the kitchen dripping wet before Daryl grabs her hands and leads her towards the cake bowl.

"Hold still Beth." Daryl rings out Beth's hair into the bowl, after he has collected enough water he smiles saying "You did good girl-now get me some eggs."

"We don't have any chickens-"

"Don't girls lay eggs once a month, you a young hen-lay an egg for me-"

Beth slaps him across the face before walking off.

"I don't need you, I don't need anybody-I can't work in these conditions!" Daryl throws a racoon's foot into the mix before stomping outside.

Daryl finds Rick and asks how the dress is coming along. "Rick you need anything?"

"Yes," Rick replies looking like he's just found to cure to end all world hunger. "Bottle caps!"

Daryl pats him on the back looking proudly at him, "that's why you mah right hand man. The rest of these people they don't know art like we do. Now lets make ourselves a wedding."

"I meed a mannequin though." Rick informs.

"Its ok, just use that broom stick. I'm done wit it anyway."

"Wait what were you using it for... ?"

"Man you don't wanna know."

Rick uses napkins, paper plates and used bottle caps to construct Lori's wedding dress.

Andrea comes up to Daryl, "what are you gonna do for punch?"

"You see that pool over there, you scoop some of dat in a bowl, add some flowers and walla, punch."

"Aside from that being nasty, where are you getting the flavor from?"

"I was in that pool earlier, that's where the flavor comes from. We'll call it, _Daryl delight_."

Daryl's confessional. "You know, if this whole Apocalypse thing didn't happen, I bet I'd be a great wedding planner. It just comes naturally to me.'

As everyone gathers together in the back yard which Michonne had organized to look like an actual wedding despite the mess Daryl made with the food and Rick with Lori's dress. She uses her katana to cut into the bushes forming swans and had a few rows of chairs for the bridal side and the grooms side, along with the isle down the middle covered in rose petals that she took from Glenn before he could throw them on her and Rick.

Abraham goes up to Rick. "That dress you made came together pretty well, its looks nice."

"I bet you'd say that, I aint making nothing for you to wear, unless its something for your funeral."

Abraham scowls at Rick in the distance, "that **beep**er."

As Rick walks off Michonne comes up and pats Abraham on the back, "its alright, you tried."

Everyone sits down as Merle is at the alter with his best man Daryl. Andrea against her will is standing across from them as Lori's maid of honor.

Carl comes down the isle as the ring bearer, but he's so distraught that he collapses along the rose petals that covered the isle and crumbles like a used tissue. On the floor he's weeping heavily, snot running from his nostrils at the nightmare event.

Lori comes down the in her wedding dress which was two paper plates against her chest with a belt made out of bottle caps and a long skirt made out of tissue and surprise surprise, even more bottle caps. She holds a bocay of flowers and squirrels, complements of Daryl, and steps over Carl. "Carl stop crying baby, this day aint about you, its about mommy's happiness. Stop being so dam selfish!"

Trying his best to obey his mother, he chucks the ring at her and crawls off towards the row of seats, holding his knees in despair. "Why is this happening to meeee. I thought I was a g-goood person!" Carl yells out making Beth slowly shake her head before looking away from him.

"Sweetheart, do you got the ring?" Lori calls out to Merle as he places the ring on the tip of his bayonet.

"Got it, my sweet little sugar stick! Now bring yo **beep** over to ol Merle!" Merle yells back to his blushing bride as she happily runs over to him, holding up the bottle cap embroidered hem of her dress.

Morgan clears his throat as he tries to ignore Rick winking at him while flirtatiously twirling the hairs in his beard, then blowing Morgan a kiss.

"Rick stop that, I thought we were friends?"

"I don't know what you talkin about bab- I mean Mr. Jones." Rick sways his shoulders in affection as Morgan sighs and begins.

Morgan looks towards the couple before him. He has to rush things because there are walkers clamoring at the gates, and although they create an extra ambiance, Morgan doesn't have all day. "Do you Merle Dixon, take Lori grimes as your wife, to feed when she gets hungry, to kill if or when she turns, until death or by walkers do you part?"

Merle nods his head smiling, "You bet your sweet **beep** I do!" Merle smirks as he reaches around Lori and spanks her bottom making her giggle as everyone cringes.

Morgan sighs, "and Lori grimes... do you take Merle Dixon to be your husband. To honor and obey-"

"Yes sir." Lori winks at Merle mistaking the vows as a command.

"Does anybody... anybody have any objects to these two people's union?"

Carl frantically waves his hands for Morgan's attention.

"Anyone at all-"

"Step up mother **beep**er so I can kill the son of a** beep** who don't want meh to be happy!"

Carl hides back underneath the set as Morgan shrugs and tells the couple to exchange vows.

Merle spits on the ground before he speaks "The first time I laid my eyes on you... I didn't notice yah from a hole in the wall, but that didn't stop old Merle from gettin' some that night. Now I know I may be a rough neck who calls you a **beep**, or a **beep** and a loud mouth **beep**in' pain in my **beep**ing **beep**... but I love bumpin' uglies almost as much I love you- now lets get this thing over with so we can make a baby worth a damn!" He slipped the ring on her finger, nearly severing it off.

Lori is tear filled as she nods and begins her vows. "Baby, you the sugar in my pie and the apple of my eye... I'll obey your every command and make you reign as my man. I want you to call me every insult in the book!" She shined the ring on a set of napkins on her dress before putting it on Merle's finger.

Morgan blinks showing his sadness for the sorry excuse for a wedding he was forced to be apart of, before saying that they may kiss each other.

"Yeah girrrlll, Merle got himself a wife-now get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!" Lori runs down the isle before stopping and throwing the bushel of dead animals as Rick shoves Andrea out of the way to get it. He happily hold it up before pointing at it, then at Morgan who lowers his head shaking it in frustration.

Rick's confessional. Rick is in a state of complete turmoil after his talk with Morgan. As apparent to most people but Rick, Morgan only displays feelings of a strong friendship towards Rick, while Rick had been completely obsessed with Morgan. "Morgan was my everything for so long, I waited for him. I thought he was my soul mate but he's just my best friend...how the hell could this be? Its not like the perfect person for me is just gonna pop in outta nowhere. With a smile that lights up the room and eyes so deep and passionate it makes me melt, a soft voice that's always trying to lure me to comfort, someone that can put up with me ranting and raving at them. Someone who Carl loves and is a skilled warrior essential to the group."

Michonne pops her head into the confessional room. "Rick, dinner is ready."

Rick nods his head, "alright Michonne. Anyways where can I ever find this person?" He sighs and sadly gets up from his seat.


	30. Chapter 30 Abraham, the Truest Evil

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**Abraham, the Truest Evil** **(title picked by Rick) **

Michonne walks into Abraham's bedroom early in the afternoon. "Abraham, can I keep you company in here? Lori and Merle's bedroom is right beside mines."

"Sure thing beautiful, but no more eating potato chips on my bed. You like to leave crumbs." He laughs as she gives him a coy smile while pulling out the bag of chips she was hiding behind her back.

"You see, watch it." He says pointing at the suddenly appearing bag.

"I need to find more ammo for Andrea, she runs through bullets like crazy. Wanna go for a run with me?"

"Sounds like fun, it'll be just me and you right? You know I can't take Rick."

"Yea I promise. Us sane people gotta stick together." She jokes.

"No Rick, possible walker kills, and hanging out with you. Sounds like paradise!"

The camera spots Abraham with Michonne headed towards the car. As he loads up the trunk with some weapons and tosses some food in the backseat. Michonne gets in on the passenger's side before he hops into the driver's seat.

He put's the keys into the ignition. "... **beep**." Abraham jerks back from his window before Michonne wonders what's wrong. Rick is seen with his angry face pressed against the glass of Abraham's window, fogging it up.

"He's not coming with us Abraham, calm down."

After Rick is forced to back away from the car, they drive off, they can relax assuming its just the two of them now. Suddenly the car hits a bump on the road that scatters some of Michonne's precious potato chips onto the floor.

"Dammit Abe, watch out for walkers." Michonne bends down to pick up some chips before hearing some giggles.

"Abe, it's not funny." Michonne complained before he shock his head. "I didn't say anything and I'm sure I didn't hit any walkers... you'd better hope the car fumes aren't getting to you. One crazy Rick is enough for me."

"Fine... whatever." Michonne bends down yet again hearing a chuckle before the car shifts a bit. "Dammit Abe-stop the car."

Abraham brings the car to a complete stop with a tired sigh before the pair exit. Michonne checks underneath the car, "I could have sworn I heard something underneath here... "

"Well even if it was a walker clutching onto the bumper, it's long gone now... there aint nothing around for miles."

"Pretty peaceful." Michonne muses as Abraham is smirking at her.

"It'd be a hell of a lot better if you weren't eating those chips-"

"I'm hungry-"

"It's unhealthy and we need you to eat some greens-"

"Ok dad." She teases as she crunches another chip in her mouth. Abraham and Michonne enter the car, both realize that the doors were left wide open, letting all of the hot summer air into the vehicle. Abraham squints at the road before reaching over Michonne's side to get the map out of the compartment, both freeze up at the sound of a clicking beside Abraham's head.

"What you think you doin' Red...? Keep your hands on the wheel before I blow them off."

"What the **beep**-Rick?!" Abraham screams.

Michonne looks behind her as Abraham almost sways off of the road in shock.

"There was a crossroad coming up and I need to know which way to go-I was reaching for the map-"

"They teach you how to lie in the army, because that was pathetic. Michonne, pass me this so called map and I'll tell you the way... don't want him leading you off into some dark corner of the woods... like a predictor with candy. And Michonne you know you love candy." Rick says before Michonne hands Rick the map.

With a sigh, Abraham calmly asks Rick to show him which way to turn. Rick glares at Abraham before folding the map open and pulling it over Abraham's face while he's driving, causing Michonne to half-haphazardly takes the wheel.

"Hey, get that thing out of my face-I can't see!" Abraham tries to push the map away, as Rick forces the large sheet of paper against his sight.

"Oh really, well that sounds like something Michonne would say before you try to fornicate with her!" Rick claims.

"Dammit Rick, leave him alone!" Michonne cries out in attempt to save all of their lives from Rick's idiocracy.

Rick threatens against Abe's ear. "My face Ford!-first and last thang you see-remember that, huh, REMEMBER THAT?!"

Michonne sits on Abraham's lap before kicking his foot off of the gas and shifts her foot onto the breaks to stop the car. She turns around and pushes Rick away from Abraham.

"Michonne you get off his lap! Don't need this man's twig and berries anywhere near you."

"Dammit Rick you almost got us killed!" She spat out, still seated on Abe who was taking a deep breath to calm himself from Rick's assault, he grips Michonne's hips in attempt to move her back into her seat.

"You tryin' to fornicate with her while I'm still in the back seat Abraham, huh? You either a brave man or a stupid pervert!"

"Rick!" Michonne screams. "Rick if you don't stop this **beep,** I'll make you stop!"

"But I'm trying to stop him from taking yo innocence."

"What the hell Rick?"

"I used to, as you call it, _fornicate_ with Daryl for months and you said nothing!"

"I know Daryl! When you were with him, you were with me too."

"I was never with you Rick!"

"That's how close the three of us are, I felt and knew everything." Michonne shifts uncomfortably in her seat as Rick continues to rant. "And you lettin' this outsider into places only I should know. There's to many cocks in your hen house Michonne. No red chickens aloud!"

Michonne gives him the coldest stare he's ever seen.

Back at the house a camera follows Andrea as she's walking by Daryl, who's shooting a gun behind Carl's steps in order to increase his agility. "If a bullet graze yo ankle I aint savin' you. If you can't outrun a gator, your **beep** aint worth **beep **enough to save anyway, now move!"

Daryl's confessional. "He don't have the privilege of being born with Dixon blood. So we gotta drill the Dixon right into him."

"Daryl why are you torturing Carl? Where's that book I gave you to read?" Andrea asks.

"It aint had no pictures in it. Can't read notin' with all dem letters and **beep** on the page, looks like ants about to attack meh!"

"You want me to read it to you?"

"It aint gon' be no fun if you aint showin' me no pictures." He complains before sitting down beside her.

"The story itself will be fun enough. Its an erotic tale of two hicks lost in the wilderness. I thought it was something you could relate to."

"They wrote a story about me and Merle?"

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that."

Moments later, Daryl is complaining once again about his reading time with the blonde. "Naw, naw, you aint doing it right, you supposed to make the da voices, that's how momma used to do it."

"Fine." Andrea shakes out her hand as it seizes up from holding the pages too long. Daryl's observant eyes notice this and takes the book from her reddened hands, placing it's open pages against the grass.

"All them damn words makin' you get carpal tunnel, can't shoot if you can't use yo fingers... here let me work the kinks out." Daryl tries to grab her hands before she pulls away at the site of the dirt caked against his skin.

"Ew Daryl, wash your hands first." She demanded.

Daryl begins licking the dirt from his palms before sucking away at the dirt under his nails and fingers as she cringes in slight disgust. "I aint wasitn' water on no dirt off my hand, you crazy-water's a luxury!"

Michonne looks over at Rick, who forced Abraham out of the driver's seat at gun point. "Can you open a window? Its so hot in here."

"Sorry, I broke the air conditioner after the wedding... after my fallout with Morgan."

"Why?" Michonne asked as she continued to fan herself.

"It was cool... like Morgan."

"Sorry for your loss." Michonne says knowing how much his friend meant to him. She then did something that got Rick a little paranoid in the car.

Rick quickly glances at Michonne who's pulling apart a few buttons on her shirt before glaring back at the road.

"It's so hot Rick..." She complains before she undoes two more.

"Dammit!" Rick cries out before bringing the car to an abrupt stop.

"Michonne, this needs to stop, you can't do this in front of... him." Rick scowls back at Abraham who was looking out the window.

"I'm not even looking at her-"

"Nice try Ford-I bet you're checking her out in the window's reflection... adding her exposed lady parts to your twisted fantasy!"

Michonne looks back at Rick with astonishment and a bit of fear. "Sorry, I'll button up."

"I didn't tell you to stop... you can keep going but you can't keep doing this Michonne."

"I'm not trying to do anything Rick."

"You can't just flaunt your body around us like that, I can control myself but he's a deviant-you think I don't notice you two around the house, prowling around each other like a horny red cat on a sexy little panther-while all I can think about is-"

"Is what?"

Rick looks at Michonne with baited breath, as Michonne stares back at him then smiles.

"Should I finish unbuttoning the rest of my shirt Officer Rick?" She teases snapping away at another link keeping her blouse together, "you can stop me at any time."

"I aint gonna tell you what to do... I was just looking out for you Michonne-"

"Stop treating me like some mindless child and tell me why you're doing this-the jealousy needs to stop Rick. Dammit Abraham's like a brother to me."

"I guess it's because of who you are and what you mean to me..."

"I... I don't understand." She pauses as she see's Rick's grip on the steering wheel tighten with tension.

Rick looks over at her as she's starring at him. Suddenly, with sweaty palms, he reaches towards her unbuttoned top and-

The camera footage then cuts to black on T-Dog's T.V. monitor. "No, oh no no no no! DALE!" He screams then hears Dale's footsteps rushing up behind him, "the footage just cut to black right when the good stuff was about to go down." T-Dog is furiously pacing around the room as Dale is trying to find out what happened with the feed. "I wanna know what happened! Come on man, get this shit fixed!" He demands.

"I don't know if we can get the footage back, I think the battery camera ran out. Rosita was supposed to replace the camera in the car."

Rosita is called into the room, she sighs and sets her hands on her hips in an bored pose. "How the hell was I supposed to know they were getting in the car?" She rolls her eyes at Dale. "Pendejo."

Abraham's confessional. Abraham's stunned face stares directly into the camera. "I guess they forgot I was still in the car."


	31. Chapter 31 The Passion Of The Leader

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' Warning: religious satire ahead.  
**

**The Passion Of The Leader **

Andrea having gotten word of Rick's latest stunt while on the road with Abe and Michonne, takes it upon herself to talk some sense into Rick.

"Rick, you have to call a truce with Abraham."

"I aint trusting no red headed devil. All that red hair hiding horns, I seen em once."

"You do realize that when Abe's had enough he'll leave the house, and Michonne wont be around much because she'll be constantly visiting him."

Rick frantically shakes his head, "no, noo, nooooooo! Alright you win this one, I'll do it."

Rick has to bring himself to do something mature and its literally killing him. On the way towards Abe's room, both Daryl and Andrea have to carry him along the way. Rick's face is pale and his lips bloodied from his intense biting of them. He weakly lifts his hand pointing to the bedroom door, "in there..." he says whispering faintly, as Daryl pushes the door open to a bright light that blinds the sickly leader.

A camera comes into the room to film the all to coveted hand shake. Rick holds a clenched fist in the air as Daryl grips his friend's wrist and lowers it down. "Steady..." Daryl mumbles as Rick nods, his face drenched in sweat, that Andrea nervously dabs dry, fearing for her leader's declining state of heath.

"Alright man, you got this.. now open yo hand... and let it happen." Daryl see's Rick's hesitation and pries his ringers away from his palm by force.

"Grab it and shake." Daryl commands as Abraham shrugs and reaches out to Rick.

Rick hisses as their hands collide. "It burns!"

"I know man, you doin' great, don't let up... we got this!" Daryl says as Rick collapses on his knees but never lets go of Ford's hand. Rick trembles and feels his bones becoming brittle.

"Uh, so do I shake his hand or not-?" Abraham wonders distracted by Rick's over dramatics.

"Just make the truce already, can't you see it's killin' him?" Daryl plead as he finally shakes Rick's hand, but Rick looks into his eyes, refusing to let go and digging his fingernails into Abraham angrily.

"It's over Rick... Rick, let go." Daryl, Andrea and even Abraham have to pull a limp yet determined Rick away from Abraham, after he finally releases his grip. Abraham looks at his hand seeing red. "That bastard drew blood."

"Blood for blood Ford... the wars over... I'll let up." And with that, Rick faints as Daryl and Andrea carry him out and to his room, where he is finally put to rest. Beaten, yet still strong.

A camera follows Daryl as he's using his entire weight to hold Rick up. Andrea comes up behind Rick and helps Daryl. Rick's limp feet scrap long the kitchen floor as Daryl reaches into the fridge, "come on Rick, you've gotta eat. Its been 7 days and 7 nights."

Rick opens and closes his mouth like a dry fish out of water as Andrea sheds a single tear, seeing such a man so fallen. Beth comes along and places a crown made of flowers on his head then bows before him. "Bless you leader," she says while moving clear from his path.

Daryl's confessional. "If Rick wasn't gonna eat, I thought he'd at least get some sun, put some of that color pack into his skin. He was so Ill though that he through up all over himself, so we found this white robe to put him in."

The camera follows a bored Michonne as she walks out into the back yard. She stops looking up to see Rick strung up above his garden on a large T made out of wood. A sweat and blood mixture is poring from his hairline, as the crown made of flowers was a bit thorny. He looks down at an annoyed Michonne. "I think I see the light, I see an angel...Michonne you're here to take me home, take me away from the cruel realities and suffering of this world. Take me Michonne, take me into your bosom."

Michonne replies, "whoever did all this is going to hell. You know that right?"

Daryl believes that Rick has had enough sun and tells the group to move him into the house. "Come on people, before he gets heat stroke." Daryl, Andrea and even Merle and Lori lift him, Rick acts as if he's on his final few breaths, before seemingly passing out wood against the wood figure.

Michonne sighs. "I hate this **beep**ing house."

Michonne having enough of this, uses her katana to cut Rick from his binds as he limply falls towards the ground.

"Dammit Rick, snap out of it and Daryl, you need to stop enabling him!"

"Man he aint well, I thought puttin' him in his garden would revive him, but he's still out of it-"

"Look, his palm is bleeding..." Beth says in awe as Michonne sheathes her sword and holds up Rick's limp hand in anger. "It's just from his stupid handshake with Abraham."

"That man did this to him... he evil, we gotta get rid of him baby." Lori begs Merle who grunts in agreement.

"Dammit, you people need to get a hold of yourselves, Rick is faking it-"

"M... M... " Ruck murmurs bringing his group around him, as tears begin to flow from Andrea's eyes.

"My child... I want to see my child... "

"You mean Carl-" Andrea asks.

"No... " Rick glances at Michonne as she takes a deep breath to cool her temper. "You've got to be kidding me." She mumbles as Rick suddenly cries out "Michonne, why have you forsaken meh!"

"That's it, I'm leavening." Michonne announces before Rick does a double take and jumps off of the makeshift cross.

"What you mean, you're leaving-" Rick asks, taking the flower crown from his head. He then livens up real quick with an admission. "I think I will literally go insane if you leave this house-"

"Look, Rick has risen, it's a miracle!" Lori praises along with Andrea who nods tearfully in happiness.

"I'm leaving here, with Abraham tonight... it's obvious that your needs will always come first Rick... despite how I feel."

"Wait-"

"No! I'm going...all you had to do was make a truce with Abraham and you're doing nothing but making a spectacle. I put up with your shifts in personality every few days, the least you could do for me is leave my friend alone."

"Alright Michonne I have a way of making everything better." Rick has gathered everyone into the backyard, a pile of rotten fruits and vegetables near a bonfire that he had constructed.

"As your leader, I must own up to my mistakes... but I aint the only one whose made a bad decision... tell me, no, prove to me that I have wronged you... if I have ever wronged you... be the first to cast the first veggie... !"

"Rick, are you serious... this is how you apologize-" Michonne is surprised when everyone grabs some fruits and aims at Rick.

"Ford... I have wronged you... now is your chance to seek appeasement-"

With a shrug everyone began to pelt fruit at the man as Michonne watched. Hell even Carl was having a field day, as he got Rick right between the eyes.

As Rick laid crumpled on the floor, drenched in tomato and rotten pears he crawls over towards Michonne with a fruit in his hand.

Michonne shakes her head. "Rick... no-"

Merle urges Michonne who turns away from the crowd. "Come on woman, this fruit chuckin' is therapeutic."

Rick whispers hoping to salvage his friendship with Michonne. "Please Michonne... it means nothing if you don't help me repent... toss the squash."

"Toss the squash... toss the squash..." everyone begins to chant as she peers down at Rick and with a sigh then drops the vegetable on his shoulder.

He lets out a thick southern screech before crying out towards the sky "I have been reborn!"

Merle and Lori drag his limp body towards the pool and tosses him in, completing his final transition. He brings his head up from the water but is forced under again with Merle's good hand.

At the end of the day, a camera is in Michonne's face as she's walking down the stairs. She hears the laughter of Abraham followed by what appears to be Rick's voice. Turning the corner she sees the two men, civil and dare she assume friendly around the kitchen table.

Abraham looks up to see her, "hey sweetheart why don't you come and join us?" He says pouring some tequila into a shot glass for her as the two men seamed to be on their third or forth drink. She sits at the table and smiles at Rick mouthing "thank you." As the camera pans out it sees that Rick and Michonne are holding hands under the table.


	32. Chapter 32 Andrea's Vision

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. Warning: Sexual terms, bad planning and crude humor ahead.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' Warning, try to think of "El Tango de Roxanne" when it comes to the first song. Oh yea and Musical themes ahead. **

**Andrea's Vision  
**

Andrea's confessional. "With some _persuasion_, I've gotten some of the roommates to preform my play. It's a masterpiece! It's a sexy story of a sultry former jungle cat turned human, bound between duty to her millionaire lover, and her cravings for a down in the dumps failed musician on the streets. Set in France."

Rick comes out in a slick pinstripe suit, and a fake mustache on top of his already wildly untamed beard.

"Hey why the hell is Shane here?!" Rick calls out to Andrea.

"Shane's good with the drums. And according to him you can't dance for **beep**."

"He's got the rhythm of a freezing white boy in Alaska!" Shane screams.

Andrea rolls her eyes, "so just sing and Shane will do his job to provide a good melody."

Rick sits down in the center of the burlesque themed set up in the living room. Andrea is tilting his fedora to the side before running from the camera's line of vision. The lens zoom's in on Rick's lustful gaze as the clicking of Michonne's heels are nearing. The beat plays and Michonne slithers into the shot wearing a short red dress dripping in red fringe, her signature headband gone and her dreads are styled in a lovely up do.

"You asked for me Mr. Donovan?" She sets a hand by her hip as Glenn sways his camera around for a wider angle.

Rick says in a poorly executed french accent. "Yes Cheyenne... I want to see you dance... I heard you were a tiger once... can you prowl?"

"Yes sir, I can prowl." Michonne replies in a sensual manner.

Shane starts to bang slower on his drum as Michonne crawls towards Rick on her hands and knees while he leans in to simply watch her hungry stare.

Rick begins to belt out as Shane's drumming caters to the melody of Rick's voice. _"Cheeeeyeeenne! You don't have to lick your paws tonight, prowl around like a big cat! You don't care if I live or if i dieee." _Michonne sits back on her legs and slowly licks at the back of her hand like a kitten. _"Chhhhheyennne you don't have to put me in a fright, rip me limp from limp like dinner! You don't have to suck my bones until they are drieee." _Michonne then hisses at him and claws up his thighs before ripping his blazer and shirt clear open. Tightly gripping to his blazer, she sways and shimmies her fringe covered hips between Rick's sluggishly spread legs.

Daryl comes into the scene with his hair gelled down, and wearing nothing but a pair of run down overalls, as his body has been severely oiled up by Andrea before hand. He steps closer towards the two but acts as a lurker. He starts to sing, and proudly because he completely remembers the song. "_His hands upon yooo waist, his face against yoooo place, his **beep** wants to **beep** that **beeeppp**...its more then I cannnn takkeeeeee!"_

As the rhythm of Shane's drumming speeds up, on cue both Daryl and Rick's harmonies come together._ "Ccccchhhhheyennnne!" _

Michonne turns around, as her eardrums are killing her, and slowly lowers herself into Rick's lap, but its a little too hot for Rick who forgets his lines.

Andrea grows frustrated and starts yelling at Rick.

"Finish the song... why are you just sitting there... stop making those faces, are you about to sneeze?" Rick is practically drooling on Michonne's shoulder as she reaches back grabbing his fedora, placing it on her own head while grinding into his lap. Michonne hops off with the light shove of Rick's hands, as he stands up holding his crotch and quivering while running off, "I need a minute!"

Andrea tells the audience which consists of Lori, Merle, and Beth to take a hike for a few minutes. When they come back, the living room is now turned into a cozy love nest for her two starlets. Glenn's camera films as Michonne appears standing in the center of the room in a long red silk nighty. Daryl comes into the scene as she purrs across the room to him. He's even greasier then before and shirtless. Daryl rushes towards Michonne grabbing her by the wrist and yanking her against him. She gasps dramatically then awaits Daryl's line.

"I saw you with him..." Daryl then looks at the cue card held up by Andrea, squinting hard. Michonne helps him out by whispering his next line into his ear.

"I thought you wus my pretty kitty." Andrea rolls her eyes as Daryl still isn't using the french accent she forced him to work on.

Michonne sighs as she starts to sing, she knows this will be her most regrettable moment in this house to date. "_Yess I am your pretty kitty, sweet and so witty witty, I'll finish this ditty ditty before chitty chitty bang_." She pulls her hand from Daryl and twirls around him forcing any other look to grace her face but anger. "Y_ou are my lover but there is another, a man with a plan who takes my loving hand, treats me like no other but wears the fur of my brother_-"

Daryl swings his head around breaking character, "what chew mean? That man don skinned yo brother, what the hell kinda **beep** is that? Naw that aint right, where that son of a **beep**, I'ma kill him."

Andrea stands up. "Daryl, its a story where the stakes are high! She's a former big cat, she understands the hunt, survival of the fittest... or whatever. Don't insult my work you illiterate redneck!" Andrea cools her frustration before speaking towards Michonne.

"Now Michonne, show him your **beep**."

Michonne sighs in frustration, "No Andrea! At least let Rick see my **beep**."

"No Daryl is the lover in this, he sees the **beep**!"

"Its not **beep**ing happening!" Michonne yells.

Michonne and Daryl resume the scene as he remembers that he has to passionately kiss her. Both are uncomfortable so they embrace in a hug and awkwardly pat each other on the back, then bumps their chests together with a head nod. No doubt angering Andrea even more as she can't get her steamy vision across. Daryl looks at Michonne for longer then he's supposed to.

"Daryl did you forget your lines?" Michonne whispers.

'Yea."

"Just improvise."

He nods his head. "Yeah girl I'm gonna **beep** yo' **beep** so hard, make you earn that **beep**! Your little **beep** gonna feel **beep**ing sorer than a **beep** on a** beep** with a **beep beep** **beep**... I know you want the big **beep,** **beep,** so** beep** your** beep** on meh-"

Andrea gasps. "Daryl!"

In the next set up Michonne and her run down lover are laying in bed. Michonne strokes at his chest, which is so oily she has to wipe her hand clean using the blanket the two are covered in. "Oh Cristobal! I'll leave him, I'll leave him forever." She sighs dramatically.

Daryl squints at the cue card again, "Andrea you write like you got the hand of an ant, move closer!" He then reads the line still failing to use the french accent. "We will run away together, live free without you under his thumb!"

Michonne rings her ear. "Daryl you yelled right into my ear, Jesus."

Michonne lays her head on the least oiliest part of Daryl as the two sleep. The oh so evil Mr. Donovan appears from the shadows and aims a water gun at Cristobal's temple and sprays it. Daryl leaps up, over acting and screaming out while wiggling around simulating blood loss.

Andrea's confessional. "She's a big cat, witty in the city, but still endangered and wounded by the death of her lover. You're really telling me she wasn't gonna get captured? The girl has nothing to live for anymore... oh the tragedy!"

Michonne is dressed up as an actual tiger, face painted and all. On all fours she's prowling around the center of the living room, that's now set up like a jungle. Rick comes out with his mustache shifted and brings out a lasso laughing wickedly. As Michonne feels the loop around her, she side eyes Andrea as Rick belts out another one of Andrea's clever tunes. "_There goes my big cat, ran away and hows that? Visited you with your lover-and splat! How's this working out for you! Free days are now through! You'll be mines forever! You'll never know better!" _Michonne once again cringes at the poorly constructed song._  
_

Abraham prowls onto the stage. Rick brings out his water gun and aims it at him. Abraham ponces and roars loudly. Both men grapple over the gun, as Rick awkwardly says the word grunt, instead of just doing the action. Abraham forgets that he was supposed to let Rick win, so Rick improvise by jumping back and shooting Abe past his the shoulder. As Abraham falls Rick walks over to the weakened exotic cat and gloats about her fallen hero.

_"Ha ha little kitty, look at that, one more cat to add to my batch."_

Abraham see's that Rick's back it turned before pouncing on the man and biting him. Rick laughs saying "that tickles" before a glare from Andrea reminds him that this was his big moment.

"_Ahhh, my shoulder-I have been slain... I wont die alone-I will make her feel pain!_" He sings.

Abraham pushes Rick a little too hard off of the living room table and Rick tumbles over, actually hurt but plays dead as to not affect the scene.

_"Oh my sweet kitty, I came to the city, to rescue you from a man who was really shi-I mean witty. But I out smarted him with only this..._ " Abraham awkwardly hold up his paws before placing them down, beside Michonne's animal character's weakened state, singing again. _"I have tried, searched far and wide, made you my pride and now I have no time to bide. Wont you be my queen, we can rule this wild kingdom scene?"_

Andrea's confessional. "I told Michonne to kiss Abraham, like shove your tongue down his throat, but instead of a passionate sexy french kiss because its set in France or whatever... I get Michonne licking Abraham's face. And I'm thinking...thanks for screwing that up! Had the nerve to tell me that's how actual cats kiss. Pssstt."

Merle stands up, as tears flow down his flushed face he slaps his palm against his stump, attempting to clap.

"That there was some good theater... **beep**ing brova girl! Brova!"

Daryl shouts at his brother. "It's bravo you dumbass... and Andrea... I hope you understand what comes next... you got bit right?"

"I'm so sorry Andrea... I know this was you last request... I hope we did your play justice... you'll be missed." Rick says as he watched Michonne walk over and hold Andrea's hand.

Michonne nods to Rick and asks Andrea where she was bit.

"Huh, naw I wasn't bit, but y'all were being to stubborn so I lied... well gatta go-I'm gonna make a sequel."

As the holy trinity stood there, stoned faced, Andrea rushed up to her room.

"I'mma kill that **beep** and wear her as a coat!" Daryl seethes as Michonne angrily wipes the paint from her face.

"Right behind you." Rick murmurs before cocking his gun.

"No... that** beep** is mine-don't you **beep**ing even try to intervene." Michonne spoke in a cold whisper.

Andre's confessional. "Moral of the story, help protect our rain-forests, and always check for the bites!" Andrea smiles then jumps as Michonne's kicks open the confessional door with her katana in hand. Andrea jumps out of her seat backing up from her angered friend. "Now don't do anything silly Michonne. Your breed of tiger is endangered! Andrea screams as the footage goes snowy.


	33. Chapter 33 Officer Friendly

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Officer Friendly**

Rick is having a conversation with Daryl about how to deal with walkers accumulating at the gate. Seeing Rick in distress, Beth grasps his shoulders and plants a kiss on his cheek before smiling at him and walking off.

"What you think I'm gonna let you get away with that kiss?" Rick says as Beth stops thinking Rick is actually hitting on her. Rick pulls out his handcuffs before clasping one on Beth's wrists.

"Scum like you make me sick! You think you can take advantage of an unsuspecting man like that?!"

Daryl jokes not getting the extent of the situation. "I don't know man, she seemed kind of aggressive... like she was tryin' to fornicate with yew."

"R-Rick I was only trying to make you feel better-"

"You hoein' now too?!" Rick asks in disgust as Beth shakes her head in confusion.

"Rick let me go-" Beth cries out then searches around for help. "Someone-Daryl do something."

"Just play dead, but only after they shoot, that's how Merle does it." He says as he steps away from Rick's assailant.

"Trying to create an uprising and threatening a cop?! I hope Hershel knows that he's raised a delinquent." Rick seethed in her ear then calls to Daryl.

"Take her away brother... ten days in the basement... I'm being lenient because you young, but I aint gonna let you run wild and attack helpless men!"

Rick's confessional. "Now I know I'ma leader first. But I'ma sheriff at heart, and its time for me to bring some order back into this house. I've noticed how corrupt everyone has become... and I aint lettin' them turn into degenerates."

Rick tightens the belt around his hips. "It's time for officer friendly to make a come back!"

Rick and Daryl are following Andrea around the house. At her peak of annoyance she turns around, "why are you following me?"

"People like you Andrea, they always slip up eventually. Just can't stay out of trouble." Rick then drops a baggie filled with powder by her feet. Daryl picks it up shaking his head as Rick speaks, "well look what we've got here, cocaine."

"Rick what the hell?!" Andrea screams in shock.

"You buying or you selling Andrea, either way you in some deep **beep**."

"That's not even cocaine its flour."

"How would you know that unless you sniffed it? Daryl, book her, book her now!"

Andrea takes off running. "Daryl she's resisting arrest, just like the criminal she is! Go after her."

Later on Daryl finds her and grabs her by the shoulder.

Andrea can only feel the slimy residue on his hand coating her shoulder in filth.

"Daryl get your dirty hand of me, I don't understand how you can walk around like that?"

"Come on, I wanna show you somethin'."

A few minutes, a camera is following both Daryl and Andrea, who are sporting their swimwear. Andrea sees a jacuzzi half filled with boiling water as Daryl tells her that he wanted to experience something with her. She steeps in relishing the hot steam around her before Daryl says "that aint even the best part."

"Ew Daryl, why are you pouring dirt into the water-"

"It's a mud bath... it's great for the skin!"

"No" Andrea tries to get up but Daryl tosses the whole bag in the pool, then on her, and lastly himself before jumping in and swishing around.

"Mixin it in is half the fun!"

Andrea is about to leave, but doesn't seeing the joy on his face. With a shrug they continue to add more dirt, turning the bath into a rich mix of mud.

"You know... this is kind of nice."

"What you expect o' mother earth... just seek and she shall provide... oh and you missed a spot." With a shy smile Daryl pours some mud on Andrea as she takes a handful and wipes it down his chest, making him blush.

"It seems like you missed a spot to... mud boy."

The camera leaves the promising couple to head back into the house, where Lori and her newly wedded husband are spotted. "Come on woman... big Merle needs an heir to the Dixon throne!" Merle says as he tries to climb over Lori, who is in need of his red neck lovin'.

Suddenly the pair hear voices from outside of their room.

"You about sure this... he's my brother?" Daryl whispers near the door before Rick's voice mutters a yeah. "On my count Dixon, we find the suspect, retrieve the contraband and if he resists... you shoot to kill... we can afford a loose cannon Daryl... this is for his own good!"

Lori and Merle exchange a look of shock before they scramble off of their bed.

Rick and Daryl take turns kicking down the door, before they finally break it down.

"My god damn **beep**in door-oh no, it's 5'oh' Lori take the **beep** and run!" Merle cries out before Rick, Daryl and Glenn holding the shaky camera, charge into the room.

"What the **beep** you think you doin'- I aint got** beep** on me-I aint got **beep**, RUN WOMAN-!" Merle cries out to Lori who was frozen in fear.

"On the ground, ON THE GROUND NOW!" Rick holds Merle at gun point before Daryl sees Lori trying to make a get away with a bag from under Merle's bed.

"Get her Dixon, don't let her stash it away- we need the evidence-YOU GOIN' DOWN MERLE!" Rick commands his partner to chase down his sister in law.

Daryl kicks Lori in the back, making her fall before he tackles her and wrestle her on the ground like an alligator.

"All them gater wrestlin' come in handy, you aint goin' nowhere **beep**! Rick I got er!" Daryl calls back to officer Grimes, who nods back in approval.

Rick whispers in Merle's ear before calling back to Daryl. "I'ma read you yo rights, **beep. **Rick raises his head calling out to Daryl in the hallway with Lori.** "**Daryl search her and find the **beep**!"

Daryl pats down Lori. "Clean... the bastard must have know we were on to 'em. Sneaky son nah va **beep**..." Daryl mutters before spitting on the floor.

"Daryl search the bag, but take extreme caution." Rick advises Daryl as he points to the bag with his gun.

As a shaky camera angel catches Daryl taking out his hunting knife, he pokes to bag a few times, then cut it open. Daryl gasps as the camera zooms in to find a traumatized Carl stuffed inside along with a bag or two of a mysterious substance.

"T-That aint mine! I never seen that **beep** in my entire life baby brother come on, you gotta believe meh. That kid's tryin to set me up!"

"Illegal contraband, possession of an illegal substance and... kidnapping... I'm surprised he didn't commit murder... that we know of." Rick reads out the crimes.

Lori tries to crawl towards Rick, but Daryl drags her back and scream in her face "Yo scum **beep**, you scum-corruptin' my brother like this, I knew yo weren't no good!"

Lori pleads from across the room, to her ex-husband. "B-Baby, I know you just doing your job, but come on sweetly, It's me your little Lori... just let me go, think of our child."

"You people are sick, using a perfectly good bag to carry a child in... we could be using this for food-YOU WANNA KIDNAP A KID, YOU USE A CAR LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!" Rick scowls at Merle before Daryl spits on the floor again as mutters "Disgustin'."

"Take them away Dixon." Rick says as he turns his back on the frazzled couple.

Rick looks directly into the camera before narrating. "Merle, double offender and Lori with child endangerment. Let's go Daryl, there's move to be done around this house."

"We gonna search this room from to bottom, this place has been a red light zone for days... j-just makin' my justice bone itch like hell every time I passed it." Rick speaks out as Daryl lines Lori and Merle against the wall.

Daryl pulls up the bed mattress with a flashlight in his mouth before he waves Rick over with look of urgency. Daryl took his flashlight and shined it on the materials hidden beneath the bed.

"What the **beep** it this... why you got a weird little horse dolls under here-you a Brony?!"

"It's aint mine, it's the kid's-" Merle quickly blurts out, trying not to look at the two men man handling his favorite little pony doll.

"Well, we just gonna take your little horse friends down to the station... make some fire wood outta them!"

"Naw... don't hurt meh little Jacks... she a good girl!" Merle pleads as Daryl stuffs the toys in a bag.

"I'll carry Lori to the basement and Merle you come down the stairs quietly or Jacks loses a hoof, come on people lets move!" Rick dangles the toy in Merle's face, as the redneck cringes at the thought.

Later that day, Rick stands near Michonne with his pelvis slightly poked out as he loops his fingers in the hoops of his gun holster belt. Daryl was also near by, chewing on a rolled up piece of snake skin. Abraham is with her as the two were in the middle of a conversation before Rick and Daryl showed up.

"How's it goin little lady, anything interesting you wanna report to us, anybody troublin' you?" Rick says, trying not to side eye Abraham.

Michonne shakes her head with a smirk. "Come on officer, don't you have anything better to do than harass two bystanders?"

"How about you hang out with us Chonne, soon as you done washin' eathother's panties." Daryl jokes, making Abraham and Michonne slightly cringe.

Rick suddenly see's Carl walking past him before letting a spoon drop from his bowl as he exited the kitchen.

Rick and Daryl watch as he passes the border from one room to the next, finalizing his crime of littering in the house.

"We got a dropper-Darylll!" Rick shouts, sending the man into action. Daryl chances Carl around the room until the boy hides behind Michonne.

"Come on Michonne move aside, he a dangerous criminal!" Daryl shouts out as Michonne glares at him.

"He's just a kid, both of you are grown men harassing a small child-"

"Crime is crime Michonne, it don't have an age, race or gender... if we don't like it, we get rid of it-that's the law." Rick says as Daryl tries to sneak around her to get the boy.

"I'm sorry OK, I'll just pick it up." Carl runs over to pick up his dropped spoon making Daryl cry out. "He got a weapon-"

Daryl lunges forward, tackling the poor boy towards the ground and slapping the spoon away.

"Oh my god, Carl are you OK-dammit Daryl get off of him!" Michonne reaches out for the boy, but is blocked my Rick.

"Listen here girl, this is official business, you can't get involved."

"Rick, I'm losin' my grip-!" Daryl shouts as Carl is almost free, due to his small size.

"I'm on it." Rick takes out some black pepper before blowing it in Carl's eyes, blinding him.

"This is what happens when you resist arrest-you get the pepper!" Rick shouts in the boys face.

Michonne pushes Rick aside as Abraham holds him back.

"She an accessory-we gotta arrest her!" Daryl says. Rick shakes his head. "Nooo, she just confused, we can guide her to our way of justice, don't hurt her Dixon!"

"Drop the sword!" Daryl yells at her.

"I will when you let go of the boy!" Michonne seethes, making Daryl tremble a bit.

"I'll let go of the boy when Red releases my partner!" Daryl yells back at Michonne and Abraham, who still has Rick in a bear hug.

"It seems that we are at a stand still... " Rick says calmly, making everyone cool down a bit.

"I'ma prove Michonne is just a lost soul... I'm gonna search her and if she clean we let her go... but if she got something... we gotta book her." Rick negotiates with everyone as Daryl nods in agreement.

With a sigh, Michonne puts her sward towards the side, Rick is let go and scrambles over to slowly pick up Michonne's katana and place it away on the table. Carl is then let go too... with a warning and is told to stand against the kitchen wall.

"I-I can't see... you **beep**s threw peeper in my eyes." Carl yells out towards the air, making Daryl scoff.

"Let them **beep** tears work the stuff out for you. Now stand against that there wall while we search yo friend." He replies back coldly as Abraham carefully leads Carl away from them.

"Ok Michonne, it's gonna feel like I'm feelin' you up, but it's all business." Rick tells her before her lets his hands and eyes glide over Michonne's body, as his hands begin to linger, she lets out a cough to hurry his search.

"Ah ha, well this is new! What's this behind your back then... kind of suspicious-" Rick gives her an arrogant smirk before Daryl interrupts him.

"Rick that's her ass man... "Daryl mumbles out to Rick as he has a realization then pulls away.

"Ok, she clean... Michonne you gotta pick yo friends more carefully... no more degenerate kids or... certain people of brightly colored hair that may or may not have the last name Ford." Rick walks away but not before leering back at Carl while patting Daryl on the back, at a job well done.

"Why do I feel like this was some ploy to allow Rick to fondle you?" Abraham says out loud.

"I knew it was a setup up." Carl mumbles as he's finally cried all the pepper out of his eyes. "With the law how it is... it aint safe for people like me anymore." The camera films Carl walking off in slow motion, with the melody to Gangsta's Paradise playing in the background.

"Dam that kid's gonna be **beep**ed up when he gets older." Abraham says as Michonne sighs sadly.


	34. Chapter 34 The Blackout

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**The Blackout**

As the camera pans past the rain towards a car driving off into the distance, a sudden flash of lightning along with a blackout, sends the house into a scene of chaos during the night.

"A car ate Beth!" Daryl screamed out.

"What do you mean, where's Beth-?" Andrea asks in confusion.

"Man... she's gone... she just gone." Daryl said exalting the situation before completely giving up hope.

"No offense but how can you lose a whole person?" Michonne walks up to Daryl as he just shrugs.

"I tried to track it but the car didn't leave no drooping... can't track with nothin' without a pulse... she probably motor oil by now." Daryl muttered in defeat.

"Why didn't you just follow the tracks left in the dirt-?" Michonne wonders.

"The rain washed them away... miss. Logic!" Daryl sasses as Michonne rolls her eyes and walks away from him.

"That aint all, I think someone's in the house-takin' all our women!" Daryl said, yet again stirring up the already freaked out housemates.

"You saw the person who kidnapped Beth-?" Andrea asked as she tried to hold his hand, but he pulled away.

"I don't know, he was in a black rain coat and I think he was heading in the house!" Daryl pointed towards the front door, as if waiting for the intruder to come through.

Merle was fed up with this and decided to take action. "I don't wanna end up in no meat fest, we gotta protect our own baby brother!"

"We gotta tell Rick. From far behind he look like a chick, he could be in danger!" Daryl says as Merle agrees.

"If what you're saying is true, we need to gather everyone in one spot, Merle and Daryl, you look for the others and I'll find Rick, but we take no further action than that." Merle and Daryl run off in separate directions, completely ignoring Michonne's plan.

A man in a dripping wet black rain coat walks between the shadows lurking through the house. He leaves a trail of wet and muddies foot steps after him, then slowly descends the staircase, headed into the basement.

In the dark, the overhead bedroom camera catches the voices of Michonne who's found Rick. "Alright Michonne you stay close to me and look around for some batteries... I know I dropped them near here for emergencies."

After the sound of Michonne getting on her hands and knees are heard, the sound of a zipper is heard next to her.

"Rick?!"

"Ah, don't do that Michonne, you made me drop it-" Rick says in irritation, making Michonne feel a bit uneasy.

"Drop what?"

"I was just reaching for some matches in my pants... wait I think I can see them, Michonne don't move." Rick whispers as he bends down to feel the items on the floor.

"Rick... stop it-I'm not a pair of matches." Michonne slaps his hands away as Rick smirks in the darkness.

"I know... but you can still warm me up-" He says as he tries to give his partner a little squeeze in the dark.

"You know I'm still here right." Carl mumbles making Rick and Michonne jump.

Carl lights a match and is met with Rick's hands against Michonne lean waist. Michonne leers back at Rick before prying his hands off of her. Rick glares back at Carl with an angered thanks. He then snatches the match away and begins to march down the hallway.

"What about the batteries-?" Michonne says with a sigh.

"What, naw there aint no batteries here, let's keep looking-Carl, stay back in the bedroom." Rick commands.

Rick and Michonne seem to get separated in the dark and unfortunately for Michonne she's literally bumped into Merle.

"Who, watch out woman, I damn near impaled you... and not just with my little Merle." He chuckled in the darkness as Michonne let out a low irritated sigh.

"Don't you worry your unstable little head, aint no way I'ma let you die on my watch... everyone'd just blame meh-"

"Merle-" She whispers.

"Old Merle such a bigot they'd say, he probably killed her with his little Merle-that poor girl, well what about meh, huh-?" Merle continues to rant on.

"You have to stay quiet, I think I hear someone near by-" Michonne whisper yells, in order to shut him up... but he just continues his rant in the darkness.

"Then there's officer friendly, he may not be a racist, but that don't stop him from usein' the Chinese kid as a human map and yellin' in you face... damn, he was nicer to me and I tried to kill em'." Merle says in wonder.

Michonne listens out for the person near by, trying to ignore Merle's ranting in the darkness.

"You know what, I don't like him, he's an asshole... we should take him out together-" Merle plans, but Michonne is finally fed up with her blackout partner. "Merle... I'm not helping you kill Rick-"

"Then I'll do it meh self, you don't need to get involved... maybe you can distract him while I take his stupid hat and shove it up his-" Michonne cuts Merle off as they both listen out for steps in the darkness.

"Shhh, do you hear that." She whispered.

Suddenly, someone runs past them and Merle and Michonne give chase.

"Step aside woman, I got this-High cha!" Merle pushes past Michonne before bringing his fist down on their eavesdropper.

"They scrawny, it could be Rick-gimme yo sword woman-I'ma end this!"

"What the **beep** Merle, just hold on, we're not killing anyone.. we don't even know who it is... " Michonne tries to calm the blood thirsty red neck down but he still tries to get at his victim.

"I'ma poke em-"

"-Use your hand Merle, not the bayonet!" She warns as Merle chuckles and Michonne side eyes him in the darkness before groping around for the stranger.

"It's like a game o guess who... ok... long hair, their face feels mean... like they scowl a lot... flat... maybe a dude... thin like a mother **beep**er-" Merle mumbles as he gropes the mystery victim's features.

"Whoever they are, just pick them up and let's go... we need to look for a source of light... a flashlight, some matches-batteries." Michonne says before her face is suddenly blinded by a bright light, as she looks away, she looks down to see Lori, unconscious on the floor.

"Oh no, I think you killed Lori!... Merle?-"

"Mi-chonne... we gotta get rid of the body... hack 'er up-I'll cut off the feet!"

In the basement the faceless man hidden behind his drying rain coat pulls out a walkie talkie and taps at it trying to get a signal.

In another part of the house, voices are heard in the darkness. One is an upset redneck and the other is a needy woman, trying to cop a feel of her male partner.

"D-dammit Andrea, quit touchin' me-"

"Well how the hell am I suppose to follow you, you barley talk as it is."

"Yeah, but hold my shoulders, not my hips... I feel like a **beep** in a dog park."

Andrea grips Daryl's hips a little harder before leaning against his back blowing out a hot puff of air, making him yelp and jump forward in fear.

"Dammit woman, don't blow on my neck-it freaks me out!" Daryl shields his venerable neck as his partner had become like the predictor... seeking him out in the darkness. For the first time in a while, Daryl knew fear as he tired to get his crossbow. Suddenly, as his hands gripped the strap across his chest, Andrea's hands groped his proud little Dixon making him fire off a shot in the dark. Andrea's giggles, along with Daryl's angered blush suddenly stopped, hearing a thud in the darkness.

"Dammit Adrea, you made me shoot off in the dark-"

"Ha, ha, maybe next time I could be the target." Andrea blew a puff of air on Daryl again, making him jump back and knock over a lamp. Suddenly a bullet was heard hitting the wall beside, making Daryl and Andrea run for it, whoever they shot at was a bad shot with a worse temper.

"**Beep**, **beep**, **beep**, they shooten!" Daryl shots an arrow back in retaliation as Andrea runs past him, but not without giving his but a little slap.

"Andrea, are you **beep**in' me right now-just run?!"

As Abraham finally pushed Rick off of him, an arrow zoomed past his face, almost impaling Rick but missing and hitting the painting on the wall instead.

"Oh my **beep**, that was too **beep**ing close... " Abraham says as he looked at the long leather bolt sticking out form the wall, then down to a stunned Rick.

"Did... you just save me?" Rick breathed.

"I... I think so... Rick, are you OK?" Abraham says, still a bit stunned.

Rick suddenly bounced back up and hugged Abraham.

"You kind of cuddly-" Rick whispered.

The sound of a lamp alerts Rick to their attacker as he fires off his gun into the darkness.

"Get down Ford, this is my fight... that **beep** is screwing with the wrong **beep**- aw, my shoulder... **beep** that **beep**!" Rick yells out in pain as an bolt pierces his shoulder.

"Wait... isn't that Daryl's arrow?"

"So it's like that huh, that ungrateful little **beep**, you done **beep**ed with the wrong man today redneck!" Rick fires off a few more shots as he finally took cover around the corner.

"Maybe it's just a misunderstanding-Daryl, it's Ford and Grimes... stop firing!" Abrahan called out into the dark, hoping for a response.

"How I know you not tryin' to trick me... you could just be the intruder!" The voice calls back from the darkness.

With a sigh and a loaded gun Rick cries back to Daryl. "When you were four, your dad wouldn't let you be in a beauty pageant, so till this day you still wear a bit of eye liner to bring out your eyes... you said they were your best feature!"

Daryl comes out along with a clingy Andrea. "Alright cool." Daryl says now sure that its really Rick.

Lori feels around in the dark bracing her hands along the furniture as a guide when she comes across Andrea who shines a bright light into her eyes. "Oh hey Lori, have you seen Daryl?"

She turns away from the light. "I haven't see a thing the whole night. I got knocked out and left for dead. Dammit why does Rick have to be such a bad leader? This blackout wouldn't of happened if it wasn't for him."

"How's the blackout Rick's fault?"

"Everything is Rick's fault, and if it isn't he makes it about him. That man's so dam self centered."

Andrea shines a light around seeing that they are in the living room. "I think the two of us should just stay in here."

"Why?! So Rick can screw up and one of us ends up dead."

"Why are you coming down on Rick so hard?"

"Because he's a terrible leader, until he doesn't want to be a leader then everyone else has to deal with his mess, and then when he wants to be leader again were supposed to listen. The man can't go anywhere without running into trouble and bringing that trouble back to hurting the group. I'm so sick of him!"

Andrea nods her head, "yea! You're so right. Rick shouldn't be the leader. I should be!"

"Now Andrea, this is no time to be a dam fool. Leading is a man's job, Merle should do it."

"Merle?! I wouldn't let that man lead me into a wall. His stump does a better job them him on a good day."

Lori rolls her eyes. "He's still better that wishy washy Rick."

"Keep talking like I haven't been in here the entire time" the two women jumps at the sound of Rick's voice.

Outside the house, the black car comes back down the road. Beth emerges, stepping out in a rain coat. After swinging the car door shut she waves at the person on the inside and runs back into the house. The car still remains parked outside as it waits for another expected exit from the house. Finally all the lights come back on and the hooded man comes back up from the basement.

As the hooded stranger makes a getaway from Rick's group, Rick sees him and charges in his direction screaming for back up. As Rick pins the man to the wall, he presses a gun against his temple and pulls down his hoodie, revealing a very terrified and confused Dale.

"You were responsible for the blackout weren't you Dale, where the **beep** is Beth, you'd better talk before I blow your backstabbing heathenish brains out!" Rick shouts in the man's face as tries to talk some seance back into to psychotic Rick.

"B-Beth, what, no I just came to fix the light and come over for maintenance... you people are too rough with the house, so I come over sometimes to fix it up."

"Rick, who the hell is this?" Michonne asks as Abraham wonders who this sketchy old man could be.

"Your times running out Dale-" Rick warns, cocking his pistol.

"I just came to fix the lights-they're back on for crying out loud, use your better judgement man... why would I want to hurt you?... I'm your friend... Andrea, thank god, tell him that I'm not a threat."

"**Beep** off Dale!" Andrea scoffs before sitting down on a chair.

"I had nothing to do with Beth's disappearance!" Dale shouted as Rick just shouted over the man, getting Lori a little hot and bothered.

"Then where the **beep** is she then-"

"I'm right here, I just went away for a bit to visit my daddy. It was raining so I decided to take the ride Dale came in... what makes you think I was kidnapped?"

Everyone looks over at Daryl who was scratching the back of his head while looking at the ceiling.

"Hey, I only told you what I saw-Rick was the one escalated things. Again!" Daryl shouts back as Rick is yet again the center of both attention and everyone's disappointment. As everyone leaves the living room, Rick is left alone wondering "Wait a minute... but I didn't even do anything this time... Daarrryyyllll!"

As Michonne sees Dale entering the car, she gives up on the idea of interrogating him about his boss who had kept them all here... if it involved Rick, it was a lost cause anyway.


	35. Chapter 35 We Are The Clapping Dead

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. Warning: Sexual terms, bad planning and crude humor ahead.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'  
**

**We Are The Clapping Dead **

Michonne scenes Merle in her door frame as he leans against it, sizing her up while she's gathering her weaponry for the day. "Alright woman, you and me going for a ride, a little bondin' with ol' Merle should do ya good." Merle says as Michonne can only take his invitation as a joke.

"Yeah, sure... and next you'll tell me to get in the back of the trunk or something too-" She sarcastically answers back.

"Sounds like a yes to me." Michonne walks past him ignoring his presence. He suddenly pulls out a tranquillizer gun he'd stolen from Lizzy a while back, and shoots.

"Ow, what the **beep** did you do?!" Michonne reaches for her sword before she stumbles towards the ground and completely passes out.

"Thank **beep**ing god, I thought I'd have to out run yah... well, up we go Michonne!"

Merle pulls out a roll of wire and ties her wrist together, then puts her sword over his shoulder before carrying her in his arms.

"Uh... well, better keep her sword with meh, she'll need it for the hunt... hopefully she won't try to hunt me too."

As Merle carries Michonne out of the house, hitting her head on yet another door frame, Daryl has finished packing the car with supplies as he gawks back at his brother holding Michonne like a limp rag doll. "Yo Merle... why you got Michonne tied up for? And whats with that bump on her head man?!"

"Why you askin me for, I don't know what kinky **beep** she's into now a day, probably bumped her head when she was tying herself up..."

"What... really... but she said she didn't like to be tied up..." Daryl replies with confusion.

"And that's what this here trip is for, to let out her inner demons on some wild bucks." Merle puts her in the back seat before sitting in the front with his brother.

"You sure she agreed to this, I aint into kidnappin' ladies?"

"Sure, and even if she didn't, it'll be like a lil' surprise-girls love surprises baby brother... trust me, everything's gonna be fine."

The hidden camera in the car films even more foolery along the drive. "Dammit Merle, watch out for them damn pot holes, we lose a tire and we're **beep**ed." Daryl warns his brother who for some reason is driving chaotically through the road.

"The only bumps we gotta worry bout is the one on Mi-chonne's head, go on and cheek 'er for me."

"Should have been more **beep**ing careful wif her than." Daryl mumbled before re-checking the bolts for his crossbow then peers back at a slightly stirring Michonne and he reaches out to shake her.

"Chonne... wake up, come on-"

"No, I said check her, not wake her up, you mad or something?!" Merle speeds up a bit more as he sees some walkers in the distance, and blows past them.

"**Beep**!" Merle makes a sharp turn, sending Daryl tumbling onto Michonne as they both fall to the floor of the car.

"What the **beep** Merle, you drunk or something? Watch the **beep**ing road!" Daryl yells out as he tries to pull both him and Michonne back onto the seat with a hot blush on his face.

"What did I knock you into her knockers or something, you supposed to be reading me the map, how the **beep** are we gonna get to our destination wit you fooling around back there?!" Merle jerks the car to a stop.

Daryl cries out as Merle says "that sounded like it hurt."

"Cut it out, we all gonna have brain trauma by the days end if you don't calm your** beep**!"

"Instead of knocking yo head, you should be knocking boots baby brother-"

"Cut it out Merle, I told chue... she aint into me no more... got it!" Daryl barked back.

"Man will you calm your **beep**, the girl's probably not even gonna remember who I am by the time she wakes up!" Merle says as he hears Daryl pry open and slam his door shut before Merle feels Daryl's crossbow pressing against his face.

"Get out of the **beep**ing car and help me put her **beep**ing seat belt on- Melre!" Daryl warns as Merle sighs and get out.

"Seat belts of for **beep**ies-" Merle mumbles as Daryl slaps him behind the head, and Merle hits him back.

"Help me put her **beep**ing seat belt on!" Daryl aims his crossbow at his brother's face again before Merle rolls his eyes and reaches behind him to strap Michonne into her seat.

"Sure, ask the guy with a knife as a hand to buckle a seat belt... " Merle complains as he stares at Michonne, then the seat belt... then Michonne.

"Uhhh... " Merle wraps the set belt around Michonne's body before moving away while Daryl begins to yell at him again.

"You did it wrong, she's supposed to be up, not strapped across the sets, aint you never seen a seat belt commercial."

"Well, she aint movin nowhere, so quit **beep**ing and and drive!" Merle shouts out before he moves onto the passengers seat and begins to fiddle with the radio.

Merle starts to blast some Guns and Roses loudly in the small confines of the car.

"Stop blasting that music, you'll wake up Michonne."

"Tough, she better learn how to party or else she getting throw outta da car." Merle says just before downing a bottle of scotch that he'd been taking gulps of, whenever his brother was concerned with Michonne.

"Dammit Merle, I knew you were drunk."

"At least I don't drive like a little **beep**."

"That don't even make scene."

"Yo relationships don't make no scene. How'd you go from white to night so easily?"

"Man **beep** you. At least Michonne got a heart, that crypt keeper wife o' you're gonna drag yo ass to hell one day." Daryl says in pride of his last relationship.

The two men then hear groaning from the back of the car.

"Mi-chonne! You awake ah girlie. You wanna swig of this here lickor!?"

"What's going on, where am I?"

"Didn't Merle tell you about the hunting trip?"

"That bastard knocked me out. Untie me right now." She says in a rage though the tone of her voice never rises to a scream.

"Dammit Merle, you told me she said yes!"

"That girl used some witty sarcasm on me, I couldn't tell whether she was being serious or not. Its hurtful!"

An angry Michonne lunges forward and brings her bound wrists around Merle's neck from behind and pulls against his throat causing him to chock.

"Woah, woah, everybody just clam down! Am I the only one zen around here?!" Daryl screams as he was debating on whether to keep the car steady or help his brother.

Michonne pulls tighter against Merle's neck, seriously strangling him as she yelled at Daryl to stop the car. Merle has spent enough time choking and cuts at the wire with his bayonet which was exactly what Michonne wanted, but yes she did actually want to strangle him too. Michonne removes the tattered pieces from around her wrists.

Daryl pressed down on the break causing the car to come to a screeching halt. Michonne gets out of the car in an angry rage as Daryl looks out his window seeing her storm off. "Naw 'Chonne, where you going?" He screams getting out and running after her. "Yew gotta get back in the car, come on we gon have fun hunting."

Merle gets out of the car and rushes towards Daryl and Michonne, he yanks his baby brother back as she angrily turns around unleashing her katana. "You wanna fight Michonne, you think you gon' win... you and your little pig sticker!" Merle challenges her as he shoves Daryl out of the way.

Michonne swings her katana at him as he dodges it, she steps forward swinging again as their blades clash she feels him wielding a lot more strength than her and suddenly her katana goes flying off. Dropping on her back she kicked up, hurling her feet into his crotch then kicking him even harder in the face causing him to drop beside her.

"Whao, both of y'all drawing a crowd!" Daryl say as Michonne and Merle look off towards the side to see a large buck staring them down through the branches of the forest.

"Keep it distracted while I get it." Daryl says as he sneaks back towards the car for his crossbow.

"Not a problem." Michonne rolls onto the man, pinning Merle onto the ground before landing a direct punch to Merle's face as he starts to chuckle.

"What's so funny?" Michonne seethes as Merle whispers "Look at yah, stadlin ol Merle like pony... maybe Bambi thinks we about to mate... " Merle wriggles his tongue up at her. "Or maybe he just wants to see the hunters getting gutted for a change." She says in slight excitement.

"I got it." Daryl says as he takes aim at the animal, suddenly a clap of thunder sent the animal charging off into the forest.

"**Beep**ing claps man!" Daryl yelled up towards the sky as drops of rain began to fall.

"This is the second time a case o' claps screwed meh over-get off me woman, can't believe I let you beat my ass for nothin!" Merle whined as Michonne got off, "and what do you mean let?"

"See Daryl, I told you I could get her off-" Merle joked making Daryl kick the car in frustration.

"One more pun and I'll kill you." Michonne leered at him as Daryl nodded in agreement.

Suddenly the three hear a thumping from inside the trunk and Andrea's voice booming from the inside. "Oh my god!" Michonne says in horror as she rushes towards the trunk, and pries it open to see a tired and sweaty Andrea climbing out. "You had what Merle?!" Andrea screams.

"Ahhhh...I thought I told ye about that."

"I'm Probably rotting from the inside now!" Andrea panics.

"I feel like Santy Clause, just givin' the gift that keep on givin'." Merle sways his hips with a smirk.

Andrea's confessional. "Merle just grabbed me last night and stuffed me in the trunk...I think he forgot he put me in there."

"Merle you and I are just gonna have to get back together since I'm ruined for any other man." Andrea whines before Merle tries to deny her.

"Girl I'm married!" Merle showed off his bent bottle cap ring hand, as Andrea pushed it away.

"So...you were married when we were together two days ago!"

Michonne sighs and lowers her head with disappointment and annoyance.

"Andrea! we supposed to have somethin' going on, what the hell you doin' sleeping wif my brother!?" Daryl yells.

Michonne looks up with concern towards Daryl. "Wait...Daryl did you...?"

"Nah nah...Andrea's all pushy and **beep**. Damn horn dog cheater! yew all rotten now, like a deer with a walker bite in it."

"See this is great, Merle will be with me and Meesh you can take back Daryl. It can be the four of us again like old times."

"I thought you was with Rick... " Daryl asks Michonne before she shakes her head.

"You know when you really want a toy in the window and when you finally get it... it breaks... that's what happened with Rick." Michonne sighs wanting to get back to the house. "Daryl... what do you want to do now?" Michonne asks him, making him shrug.

"Come on baby brother, speak yo mind, you amongst friends... and Andrea." Merle mumbles.

Daryl just scratches his head and looks at Michonne about to speak before Andrea chimes in. "We can strengthen our foursome union and have sex."

Michonne and Daryl stare at Andrea like she's an idiot.

"What? Rick said we were all infected!" Andrea yells.

"Not with Gonorrhea!" Michonne screams at her.


	36. Chapter 36 Competitive Nature

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**Competitive Nature**

Producers Sasha and Lilly stand before the house mates.

Andrea rolls her eyes folding her arms across her chest.

"You've got a problem, Andrea?" Lilly asks the blonde.

"Finally we don't have to stare down terminus guards and guns for these activities." Andrea answers with an eye roll.

Lilly rolls her eyes as Sasha begins to speak. "We wont need them this time around, not for my latest activity. You guys are actually gonna like this one. Its gonna be a good old fashion scavenger hunt."

Michonne sets her hands on her hips as she's literally ready for this.

Sasha and Lilly share a smile before Sasha speaks again. "Everyone will be partnered in pairs of two, I've chosen the teams at random. You and your partner will head into the near by woods, you will collect the ten different items each riddle clues you to. The winners of the hunt gets an entire day away from filming and the house."

"What if one of us get bit? Aint no way I'm gonna let one of our own turn!" Daryl said.

Merle nodded before saying "Even if one of us do turn, Me-chonne over there's probably chain us up and use us as a pet... maybe she wont even wait for the bite to kill us and just off us herself." He said as Michonne was already taking in the scenery and creating a visual map of the forest in her head, completely oblivious to Merle.

"You will be disqualified if you and your partner both don't make it. One can't be dead, or injured. One can't come back as a walker. This game is about corporation and learning how to keep each other safe." Lilly voices.

As Sasha is naming the teams Lilly is walking around handing out envelopes with the first riddle inside, to each pair.

"Andrea and Beth." Both girls look at each other with an air of skepticism but nod.

'Merle and Daryl." Daryl and Merle both spit in their hands then high fives each other happily cheering. "Dixon!"

"Abraham and Michonne." Michonne looks up at Abe and he looks down at her both nodding confidently.

"And finally Rick and Lori." Lori rolls her eyes as Rick pinches his nose with disappointment.

"Let the hunt begin." Sasha smiles.

A camera follows the teams as they descend into the forest, they all take a moment to think up their game plan and explain their strategies to the camera men.

**Team Dixon**

"We aint gonna waste no time wif stupid riddles, if we collect one o' everything in the forest, we are bound to get all of the clues... " Merle says in pride as Daryl looks at him like he was explaining a cure for the virus. Daryl nodded before taking one of the biggest bags for their hunt.

**Team Sunny Side Up**

"What the **beep** type of team name is that anyway?" Andrea complained at Beth.

"When I can get something that I'm actually proud of, I'll give it a better name, but like always I guess you have to settle-"

"A-hem, so what is your strategy to win?" Glenn says, braking up their bickering.

"I'm gonna use my little friend to-" Andrea is cut off by Beth.

"We might just rob them... but we'll leave some stuff back to help me sleep at night."

**Team AM**

Michonne and Abraham pass by the camera as the crew try to get her to talk.

"What's your strategy for winning-"

"I'm not trying to win, I will win... step aside." Michonne says while taking the list from Abraham, who looks back at the last team in slight worry before walking off behind Michonne.

**Team Lori/Stuff and Thangs**

"We couldn't decide on a name, I wanted to go for stuff and thangs because that's what we're looking for... but she wanted Team Dixon, but that was taken-"

"Hurry up and make a **beep**ing decision-"

"Dammit Lori, let me think!" Rick shouts back as he snatches the list away from her and leers at it. "It's upside down... " She says, yanking at the paper before he hisses at her. "I know it's upside down, I was just taking time to think!"

As Daryl and Merle pick up random objects from the forest, Daryl takes a chance to look at the list. "It wouldn't hurt to try reading the clues... " He mumbles as Merle grunts in approval.

"Take me from a tree when I fall to the ground, I'll grow up from the soil that is brown... what the **beep**?"

"Aint it oblivious baby brother" Merle says at he point towards a tree and Daryl shakes his head. "It's a squirrel... and who around here hunts squirrel...?"

"Me... Is this another riddle?" Daryl pouts in anger as Merle picks up a random mushroom and stuffs it in his rock and dirt filled bag. Daryl looks in the forest before seeing something bushy and yellow in the bushes.

"Jackpot" Daryl aims his crossbow at the bush before letting off an arrow.

Meanwhile Michonne is looking at the list while chopping away at the foliage, she stops, backs up a bit and picks up a purple flower, then continues on without missing a beat.

"Hey Michonne what did you just pick up-"

"Riddle number five, now onto six." She says in a monotone voice making Abraham worry, he wanted her to have fun, not simply win for the sake of winning.

"Hey Michonne, maybe we could take turns finding things-"

"Abraham, lift me onto that tree branch." Michonne commands as Abraham obeys and grips her waist, as they hear Beth's cries in the distance.

During team AM's advancements, the other teams have hit a bit of a snag.

As Beth tumbles out from behind the bushes with Daryl's bolt sticking out of her, Team Sunny Side Up's location was discovered by the Dixons, so Andrea had to jump out with her guns ready to fire.

"Hand over all yo' **beep**!" Andrea shouts at the Dixons who were watching Beth have a mini spasm on the floor from getting shot by Daryl's arrow.

"What the **beep** Beth, why you masquerading as a squirrel fore?" Daryl says trying to take bake his bolt from her stomach.

Andrea sees this and yanks the bolt out, throwing it towards the side before yelling at Daryl to "back the** beep** up!"

"Aw, you can't just yank it out like that, I could have internal bleeding-I knew stealing would kill me one day, I'm not dying for your stupid ass plan Andrea-" Beth yells, holding her now open wound.

"Get their** beep** before I let you _internally bleed_ out!" Andrea warns as Beth drags Merle's bag away and begins to search inside it. Suddenly Beth screams throwing the bag aside as a walker head and an irritate raccoon roll out.

"Did you get bit?!" Daryl says as everyone switches their weapons to point at her.

"It was the raccoon, I swear!" Beth says hiding her bleeding wound as she tries to nurse it away from the group.

"Zero tolerance for walkers!" Daryl says grabbing her shoulder as she tries to back away.

"You a walkerist, you don't even know if I'm a walker or not and here you are trying to attack me, I thought you were better than that Daryl!" Beth say making Daryl throw his hand up in defense.

"I aint the racist one I-hey, she's getting away! Get her and check out that bite!" Daryl shouts as he and Merle chase after Beth, who was zigzagging through the trees for her life. Andrea looks back at the the Dixon's bag and smirks, taking it away with her.

Andrea sees Beth screeching like a lunatic while the Dixon brothers chase after her as Merle yells "She trying to call upon her undead legion, Deeerrrrl shoot er!"

Andrea's confessional. "So apparently one of Sasha's rules were that we couldn't be injured, and that stupid Beth kept bleeding all over the place. Why couldn't she hide her puncture wound and her bite, and her cheek after I slapped her? Dammit, the insolence in that girl.

Back with Rick's team, he was busy looking at roots and grass, in an attempt to distract himself from his ex-wife's complaining.

"Rick it's hot, let me use the list as a fan." Lori whines as Rick yet again ignores her.

"Rick, my feet hurt... Rick, I'm thirsty... It's hot Rick come on." She blows a strand of hair away from her face as Rick stares at some plants.

"RRiiiccckkkkkk-"

"Unless you got the answer to number one, I don't wanna hear it Lori!" Rick warned as Lori saw Andrea snaking off in the distance with a large bag no doubt full of items, giving Lori an idea.

Lori's confessional. "I see Andrea off in the distance lugging this huge bag, meanwhile Rick and I have literally nothing. We needed to snatch Andrea's bag and I needed to light a fie under Rick's ass to do it.

"Rick literally everyone is making progress except us. Do you even care about this hunt?"

"Lori I'm trying my best here."

"Well maybe your best aint good enough Rick! Maybe I should find a better partner Rick! Its not like I haven't before Rick!"

Rick whips his head around as he crazily stares at his ex wife while tilting his head dramatically to the left like he'd draining water out of his ear.

Footage switches to team AM. Michonne looks down reading the riddle to herself, as Abraham is a foot away hacking at a few walkers. As one is approaching her, she unsheets her katana not looking up from the sheet of paper and casually decapitates the walker. Abraham raises an eyebrow at the display.

"Alright, I've figured this one out."

"Michonne..." he says with some concern for her then notices chaos in the far distance as Beth is being carried off on a stretcher screaming "it was a raccoon," and Andrea is angrily kicking and yelling as terminus guards are carrying her away.

"What the hell is going on back there, Michonne look-"

"Abe if they want to turn a simple game into a war zone, let them. I don't care." She replies coldly.

"What the hell has gotten into you?!" Abraham screams at her but she doesn't flinch only looks up at him slowly. "We do not coddle the enemy. We do not acknowledge the weak. We move forward even if we have to use their corpses as stepping stones to do it."

"Damn" Abraham responds.

As Michonne and Abraham see a collapsed rope bridge, Michonne unleashes her katana and tells Abraham to grab a rope.

"We'll grab onto these ropes and cut them, then we'll swing across- use your legs to propel yourself off the wall when you come near it." Michonne waits as Abraham puts his life in her hands before she cuts the rope and waits for him to swing across. "You better survive the jump Abraham. If you lose I lose. And I do not lose. EVER!"

"Look baby brother-it's Mi-Chonne, we gotta stop her from hacking up the bridge!" Merle cries out making Michonne look back at them for a second before cutting the rotting ropes holing the wooed bods in place, she finally cuts her own rope and swings down.

The Dixon brothers have a mini heart attack until they see Abraham climbing up the rope as he bends down to hold Michonne's rope while she climbed up, not even giving a glance back the brothers as her team descends into the forest.

"She cut the **beep**ing rope- she a cheater, come on Daryl, we gonna make a jump for it!"

"We gonna jump over the river?"

"Naw, you dummy, we gonna jump for the ropes, shimmy up and over towards the other side!" Merle says as Daryl and him run back a bit before jumping down.

Daryl completely misses his rope and tumbles down into a shallow part of the river, as his brother actually reaches out at the last second and grabs his rope, but not without bashing his face into the side of the wall first.

"You supposed to run then jump, not just leap off the cliff- ya gotta use yah glute mussels-" Merle scolds his brother's stupidity.

"I was running on **beep**ing adrenalin, ok-oh **beep**, I think I really **beep**ed up this time!" Daryl yells up to his dangling brother as Merle finally realizes the flaw in his plan.

"How the hell am I supposed to climb wif one **beep**ing hand-this was a **beep** plan from the get-go!" Merle complains.

"It was your plan, dammit Merle, there's a stick pocking out of me... oh god, it **beep**ing hurts-"

"Don't be such a little **beep**-just pull it out!"

"Oh** beep**! I just realized that we left our bag on the other side."

"Wut!?"

Rick and Lori are still on clue number one. And Lori is furious. She looks up again seeing Andrea gone but the bag she saw her with still laying there. Thinking its a trap that could get her hurt, she sends Rick to go get the bag.

"Its a man's job to face danger."

"That don't even make sense. First you don't want me to lead you into danger, now you willing to put our lives in danger."

"Not our lives just yours."

Rick angrily storms over to the bag with Lori following behind. "Search the bag." He screams pointing at the bag with his gun.

"No!"

"Search the damn bag Lori.

"No."

"As your leader I command you to search the damn bag!"

"You search the bag!"

"This is not a democracy anymore, if i make a demand I expect you to follow it."

"I only follow real men Rick, and since I see none around me at the moment I aint gotta do squat."

Rick's confessional. "I just kept chanting in my head...Carl needs his mother...Carl needs his mother, but does he? I mean does he really need her? I feel like she aint long for this world, like she aint even supposed to be here right now. Like she's overstayed her welcome."

Rick stands up and looks at her dead in the eyes, "well then I guess we've got ourselves a little problem." As a lone walker is approaching behind Lori, Rick kicks Lori towards the walker.

She screams.

"You search the bag and I'll kill the walker." Rick says as she's running around as the walker is gripping at her hair.

"Rick help me!"

"I can't hear you over the sound of you not searching through that bag. You wanted a commanding leader now you've got one."

"you murderous bastard-"

The camera pans away as two gun shots are heard then Rick walks past the frame sliding his gun back into its holster. He then leans down and checks into the bag, "oh there aint nottin' in here."

Sasha comes up to Rick. "Where's your partner? You'll be disqualified without her."

"Half of her could be in a walker, and the rest of her could be back in the forest. I just don't give a **beep** anymore."

Sasha sighs and turns on her walkie talkie, "Rick's out...look for Lori's remains I guess." Sasha shakes her head, finally coming to terms with the fact that none of her awesome activities will ever have the proper outcome with these people.

Michonne and Abraham are at the finish line, having collected all the items hours ago.

"So let me get this straight, I had to jump off a cliff, kill forty walkers, wrestle an anaconda, fight off some ninjas, and all this time we already won because those idiots sabotaged their own teams?!"

Michonne shrugs and nods at him. "Yes."

"Well aint that a **beep**. "


	37. Chapter 37 The Sick Cells

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**The Sick Cells**

The walking dead house, 3:32 pm. Andrea walks into the hallway as Rick lets out a sneeze right by her. "Dammit Rick, cover your nose when you do that." She rolled her eyes and walked off, while Rick released yet another sneeze. A woman with short hair peppered in black and gray appears outside the living room window, her hand tightly grips her hunting knife while watching the leader secretly through the curtain. She watches as he sneezes again then let out a string of coughs into his fist before dropping on the couch. The woman's head lowers out of sight just as Rick looks towards the slightly blowing curtains.

In the kitchen Andrea sneezes and sighs in annoyance, "that dam Rick" she mumbles under her breath then sneezes again just as Lori is passing by her. "Really Andrea you choose to come into the kitchen with your cold?" Lori reprimands with her usual uncivil tone when speaking to Andrea. "Honestly go find something to do around the house."

"I'll do your husband" Andrea whispers with spite.

"What?" Lori turns around not making out Andrea's last statement.

"Nothing, I'll get to that activity I'm thinking of." Andrea replies with a nastiness in her tone that goes unnoticed by Lori who literally ignores the blonde whenever she's not dictating chores to her. Andrea sneezes again leaving the room as Lori coughs a few times covering her mouth. Lori sighs angrily, unaware of a pair of eyes peaking in through the kitchen window at her.

The walking dead house, 6:32 pm. Merle is sneaking out of Andrea's bedroom which for only the day is occupied solely by the blonde since Michonne along with Abraham are away from the house. He's seen coughing up a storm as he walks down the hallway with watery eyes and a running nose. Glenn zooms in on him with the camera but Merle raises his hand shoving the camera aside, even Merle's to sick to say something distasteful in the moment.

A different camera catches a coughing Daryl. The redneck walks over Rick who's crawling on the ground, leaving a trail of seat and tears behind him as he groans, "Cooorrllll!"

The camera sways away from Rick and follows Daryl into the living room. Daryl stabs a hunting knife into the arm of the couch bringing himself up as his legs are limp and useless. He sneezes a few times and doesn't have the decency to wipe his nose before continuing to crawl onto the couch. As he turns over on his back with the groan of an 80 year old man, his eyes widen as he sees Carol standing over him with a knife. He shakes his head then screams.

In the hallway Rick hears footsteps behind him, "carrrrllllll...help me up. you gotta help me son! Carrrrllllll!" Rick screams as Carol crouches down beside him and Rick spots her knife. "HELPPPP!" Someone help!" Rick crawls dragging his elbows on the ground. He sees Merle in the distance and tries to scream but his throat's to dry. Carol then grabs his ankles dragging him away while his fingernails scrape along the hard surface of the floor.

Lori covers her mouth with her arm coughing hysterically. She flashes her head back and combs her hair up into a bun before noticing the kitchen window wide open. She leans forward as Carol appears right behind her. Slamming the windows shut a loud scream is heard from the kitchen as Merle recognizes the scream as Lori's. "Dam woman, shut the hell up in there, you know the kitchen's all echoy and **beep**." Merle grumpily stomps into the kitchen seeing no sigh of Lori. "That dam woman wanna play her games in the middle of the day like she aint got dishes to clean!"

Andrea comes into the kitchen sneezing as Merle is heavily coughing. Andrea sees Carol show up behind Merle.

"Merle...oh my god, Merle! Run! Merle Runnnn!"

"Shut da hell up Andrea can't you see I'm sick?" Merle is then struck over the head by a vase, that shatters around him as his body slams against the floor. Carol smiles at Andrea raising her hunting knife that appears to be covered in blood. Andrea screams at the top of her lungs and clumsily starts running through the house. Carol then drags Merle off.

Stumbling up the stairs Andrea is coughing and holding her queasy stomach. "Rick, Daryl...someone **beep**ing help me!" She cries running through the upstairs hall seeing no one around but her. "Hellllppppp!" She scream as the camera zooms in on her terror. "Dammit Glenn, Carol is after me, find help."

"I'm not supposed to get involved."

"She's gonna kill me, are you allowed to watch a murder happen?"

"Maybe you should run."

"Glenn I need your help, come on!"

"Andreeeaaaa!" Carol says popping up behind her. Andrea shoves Glenn out of the way and jets down the hall. Rushing into her bedroom she slams the door shut as the overhead camera catches the panicked blonde. She braces by the door then suddenly an axe crashes through the wood door a mere inch away from Andrea's turned face. She stumbles off as the axe keeps hacking away. "Carol its just a cold! Why are you doing this?!"

Andrea can see Carol through the hole made in the door and watched the pepper haired woman stuff her menacingly deranged face between the wood splinters. "You're a threat to the group Andrea, I'm trying to save lives!"

Carl crawls out from under the bed as the door finally crashes open. "Carl come here!" A terrified Carl comes towards Andrea, thinking some motherly instincts have kicked in for the blonde, and he holds her tight as Carol is approaching the two. Andrea then shoves Carl towards Carol as the kid is screaming profanities at his betrayer. Andrea then opens her bedroom window and makes a jump for it just as Carol's knife swipes an inch out of range.

Groaning against the lifesaver that is Rick's failed garden, Andrea gets up and runs tripping over air. She groans weakly and covers her mouth muffling her coughs, then looks up seeing a car dropping Beth off at the front door, and Carol coming out to greet her. Andrea shivers in fear of being caught as she rushes out of sight. She hears Beth's terrified scream after the younger blonde released a few harmless coughs.

Outside the walking dead house, 8:59 pm. A terrified Andrea braces against the side of the house, sneezing in her hands out of Carol's line of vision. "Andrea I know you're out here...the two of us are friends, I just want to take care of you." Carol says as she's sharpening her knife and Andrea can hear the piercing sound the blade made as it was being sharpened. "I've got the entire house Andrea...don't you want to join them?"

Andrea runs off with a hard sneeze as Carol sighs and chases after her. Andrea is so busy looking behind her that its to late to stop herself from smashing face first into a door. As she falls to the floor Carol smiles standing over her.

The walking dead house, 4:02 am. Andrea is waking up in the living room. She holds her head seeing Daryl, Beth, Rick, Merle, Lori, and Carl wrapped up in warm blankets while sipping on bowls of steaming hot soup. She herself is wrapped up warmly as she sits up looking around the room. "What!? we're not all dead?"

"Naw turns out Carol's all caring and **beep**. We was getting too sick in the house so she's nursing us back to health." Daryl says smiling proudly at Carol who's entering the room making Andrea jump. "Here you go, a bottle of water and some pills to help you relax."

"I don't want anything from you, you chased me around the house like a **beep**ing mass murder. I thought you were gonna kill me. Kill all of us!"

"Oh Andrea just shut the hell up..." Lori complains angrily as Merle chimes in with a wink he hides from Lori. "Yea, or I'll have to put something in there to hush yah up." Andrea rolls her eyes at Merle and takes the water and pills from Carol.

"If any of you need me I'll be outside." Carol leaves the house as a camera follows her. There are two cans of gasoline by the door, one can had already been emptied by the front door, the smell completely dulled by the sickness of the housemates, as Carol lights a match and looks into the camera it suddenly cuts away from her, due to the crew's loyalty to their own, they never film each others deeds, deadly or otherwise.

**authors note: How horrible would it be if this was the final chapter? lol**


	38. Chapter 38 Happy Luau

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Happy Luau **

At the headquarters building, Sasha is running down the hall to see head producer Dale. "Please don't tell me Carol mass murdered the entire house, we wont have a show anymore."

"No everything is fine, your brother stopped her."

The events of last night. After getting word from Glenn on Carol's initial plan to set blaze to the survivors, Tyreese is walking down the hall past T-dog's office, he has to practically whisper so that the boss doesn't get word of this. He speaks into his walkie talkie after pulling out his earpiece. "Sophia honey, I'm gonna need you on the job tonight. How close are you to your mommy?"

Just as the flame is lit Carol stops hearing Sophia calling out to her. She flicks the match a few times outing its flame, then turns around seeing Sophia with her tranquillizer gun. "There aren't any flowers for you to look at, so you're just gonna have to take the bullet straight. Sorry mommy." Carol then feels the dart being shot into her stomach and she collapses making a light thud.

Sophia speaks into her walkie talkie to Tyresse. "Its done."

Present time, In T-Dog's office, the neatly dressed man is having himself a martini and an assortment of chopped up fruits, re-watching some of his favorite episodes on his tv monitor.

Sasha comes into the room to give a report on the developments at the house, "Hello sir."

"Sasha, I already know about Carol..."

"Oh this is about Abraham and Michonne, remember they got a day away from filming. Well I just went to see them and I'd like to give them an additional day there."

"Why?"

"They seemed happy."

T-dog offers a sad Sasha a seat which she takes with a a small sigh. "I wonder if all the privileges we give this group is actually taring them apart. Rick hordes all the food, Lori wastes all the electricity, Daryl defiles the water and Michonne keeps destroying our equipment."

"Then maybe we should take everything away from them. T-dog giveth and T-Dog take it away."

Back at the walking dead house, producers Lilly and Martinez are sent to give the housemates the _good_ news. Lilly steps forward as a few terminus guards take their positions and aims guns at the survivors. This again annoys Andres beyond belief.

Andrea's confessional. "There's like eight of us against fifty of them, why the hell are we always the ones under attack? This aint **beep**ing juvie."

Lilly addresses the group. "It has come to our attention that you all need a wake up call...you live in this house, enjoy the amenities, but along with that is destruction to property, unsanitary living conditions..." she looks to the Dixons "and wasteful displays of electricity." Rick angrily looks at Lori. "Leaving all the damn **beep**ing lights on again!"

"Carl is afraid of the dark, he needs the light to comfort him-" Lori justified her wasteful uses of the electricity.

"Yeah, like ten years ago... now you're just leaving the lights on to piss me off!" Rick complained.

Lilly cuts through the tension between Rick and Lori. "We're taking everything away, in a moment there will be no running water...no air conditioning" a few more terminus men rush into the house clearing it off its food. "There will be no food...from now on you'll live without your luxuries, until we think you've learned your lesson." Lilly finishes with a smile.

Rick steps forward. "Wait wait, where the hell is Michonne...why isn't she back yet?" Martinez, who hates the group's leader with a passion, approaches Rick smugly. "She'll be away a day longer, practically begged to have some more alone time with Abraham, she wont be able to walk for a lonnngg time I bet."

Rick clenches his jaw walking up to Martinez as the Daryl comes up to Rick, pulling him back. Lilly pulls back a laughing Martinez and clears out with the terminus team. It wont be long until the entire group completely loses it.

Andrea's confessional. "Its only been ten minuets since those **beep**y Terminus guards came in and milked us dry. Everyone's losing their cool out there. I don't understand why everyone is escalating the situation so badly... usually Michonne steps in and says something logical to calm everyone down... I'm sure Rick can make rational decisions until she comes back."

Rick is frantically pacing back and forth. "They took the food, water, and the electricity, they're trying to starve us out-take apart all of the furniture and fortify the walls-they aint taking anything else away from us... Carl?... CCCAAARRRLLLL?!" He runs off.

"There's still water in the toilets, we can drink from them!" Daryl says.

"If we are getting starved out maybe we should pick out a human to eat." Beth suggests as her relationship with Garreth has changed her perspective on things.

Rick shakes his head as he finds his way back into the living room, having given up on his second long search for Carl. "It hasn't come to that yet! But when it does, we gotta pick out the weakest in the pack, someone with a ...handicap." Merle notices the entire group but Daryl huddled together, and cautiously asks "what y'all talking bout over there?"

"Nothing Merle, you just look kinda beefy is all." Rick announced while looking Merle up and down.

Still huddled within the group, Beth keeps a watch out for Merle who's left to search for Daryl.

Lori speaks up. "I know he's my husband and all, but a woman's gotta eat. Now lets plan how were gonna get this son of a **beep**. One of you hold his good hand, another slips off little Merle...then we'll get to biting."

"I want the neck" Rick whispers.

"I want his legs" Andrea whispers.

"I'll take his arm..." Beth announces.

"Which one?" Rick asks.

"Not the short one, don't rip me off now I've practically fed that beast." Beth replies.

"You fed him his own hand once."

"So what, you ate it too, how did it taste Rick, was it yummy?" Beth taunts.

"As a matter of a fact...it was" Rick whispers with some sass.

"Wait, how are we gonna convince Daryl to eat his own brother?" Andrea asks.

"If we chop off the head, he'll never know." Rick responds.

Andre still looks unsure. "He'll still know it's a person."

"If we skin it good enough and just hand em a few pieces, how he gon know, unless _someone_ tells him." Rick adds.

In the bathroom, Daryl is doing his best to get the water out, the group will need it and he uses his dog like tongue to lap it out into a large bowl.

"Darryl what you doing in here?" Merle asks finally finding him.

"I'm transferring this here toilet water into da bowl for later."

Merle raises an eyebrow thinking over Daryl's idea. "Your a dam genius baby brother."

Downstairs Rick is still panicking about food. "We would have been able to survive off of my garden. But non of y'all helped me enough to restore it, so now its dead-and we're gonna be dead because Lori ran over my peas!"

"Rick you're the one who's got a secret stash underneath his bed..." Andrea says.

"Them damn termites cleared it all, they always know where I stash my **beep**. How?

"Were being filmed 24/7 right?" Beth asks.

Suddenly all looks are directed at Glenn behind his camera. Glenn's camera then drops to the ground as its owner's footsteps are heard running off in the distance.

With only the overhead cameras to record the happens in the house, Rosita's on the job. Rick is seen nibbling on the steps, Rosita's badly angled camera sneaks up on him. As he hears the delicate foot steps, Rick turns around with a quick reflex and looks at the camera with splinters in his mouth then spits them out, because wood aint tasty. He whispers, "fiber! I aint dying tonight.'

Some moments later, the group is at it with another escalation. "We gotta sacrifice a child to the devil in exchange for food. A complete innocent since all y'all filthy, we can't use any of y'all...wish Michonne was here, she innocent but she gone." Rick takes a moment to frown before speaking again. "So...someone find me Carl. You bring em to me, but don't tell him why."

Carl hearing this runs around the house to hide from the crazy adults.

"I'm gonna draw the summoning circle, y'all get Carl... check under every bed... and bring him alive... Lori bring me the candles." Rick whispers as Lori nods.

"My sweet baby boy is finally gonna amount to something, we gonna feed his little soul to the devil." Lori says with a tear in her eye before the group runs off to find the last Grimes.

As a camera follows Carl dashing around the house, he ducks under Andrea's bed, seeing as Michonne's bed would be the first one everyone would check... and her bed was on fire.

Footage from a few minuets earlier shows Lori wondering into Michonne and Andrea's room with a candle. "That damn Michonne, always with her chips and candy, I bet she hides them under her bed." Lori moves the candle under the mattress for a light but leaves the flame there. She screams and jumps back as the mattress catches fire. "Oh my goodness." She runs out of the room.

"Oh my god, Michonne's bed is on fire!" Carl yells in fear as he hears noises in the bathroom and rushes in to see the Dixon brothers. Merle was rolling around on the floor as Daryl had his head in the toilet.

"They turn against you too, them vaulters eyin' my meaty body, so I'ma soil it on this here floor, Daryl storing water in his body-aint that right baby brother!" Merle calls back to Daryl who kept his head down in the toilet but gave his family a thumbs up.

"You guys gotta get out of here, Michonne's bed is on fire-"

"Daryl probably rubbing himself in her sheets again, that boy get carried away sometimes-" Merle jokes as Carl tried to open the door, but was met with flames.

"Dammit, we gotta go-" He pleaded.

Daryl finally pulled his head up from the toilet "There's still water in here, if I flush it I could get more... unless they cut the water and we lose the little that's left behind."

"Daryl's full o water, you gotta pee on the flames to make em' go down, then we run!" Merle said as Daryl shook his head.

"I aint pissin' on Michonne bed, that was the first thing she trained me not to do."

"Boy you'd better soil them sheets before I piss on them myself-"

"We could use the water from the pool... but we can't leave this room, oh my god... I don't want to die like this... please let someone else have the same idea as me to put out the fire." Carl pleaded, hoping one of the other housemates would douse the fire with pool water.

Outside of the house Michonne and Abraham finally return from their mini vacation. They share a look before busting through the front door that was illuminated in a red glow.

Carl and half of the group have scorched clothes, as Rick is holding up a candle above his head as if he was the sole light in the world. Daryl and Merle are doing an erratic dance around him while Beth is booty popping in front of the fire pit. Carl is tied up like a pig as Lori and Andrea are showering him with dried walker bits and flower petals.

"What the hell?!" Both Abraham and Michonne scream.


	39. Chapter 39 Hunger Pains

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. warning: Some actual drama ahead.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**Hunger Pains **

The house is under stain having not regained any of their utilities back. Everyone is upset and on the edge as they haven't been fed in two days. Whoever was in charge really wanted to see the group suffer.

Carl pulls on Rick's sleeve to get his attention. "Dad, I'm hungry-"

Rick grimaces. "Oh now I'm your dad, so what, every time you get a tummy ache you wanna crawl back to me like the ungrateful walker chow you are-"

"Don't talk to him like that, what has gotten into you?" Michonne interjects as she cradles Carl while Lori's envious stare bores a hole through the Samurai.

"You should have brought some food back when you were on your **beep**ing break with Ford-why don't I get a break? I've been leading this group from day **beep**ing one!" Rick screams at her then stares furiously at the cameraman.

Lori whines. "Yeah, leading us downhill. When we were with Shane we had a camp, safety and order but you have so many demons in your **beep**ing head, you can't even make a phone call without breaking the **beep**ing receiver. The second you took over we had people dieing left and right."

"What are we even doing here anymore? Come on Rick lets just leave this house-" Beth complains making Rick direct his anger towards her instead.

"And go where?! Unlike your barn it didn't burn down yet Beth-we stay here until I say otherwise-nobody is keeping you here, if you wanna go, the door is over there!"

Daryl tries to calm down the group from revolting on Rick. "Come on everyone, food's scarce but that don't mean we gotta bite each others throats out-"

"Yeah dad, don't have a cow." Carl jokes.

"I should have left you by the deer, when I had the chance." Rick replies.

"Carl baby why don't you come over here to your momma." Lori says as Carl looks up at Michonne who smiles and ushers him to sit with Lori. Lori coldly stares at Michonne while holding Carl tight.

Michonne hides her discomfort feeling like she's over stepped in terms of Carl. Abraham who's seated beside her, notices this and whispers something into her ear making her smile. Angered by hunger and Abraham in general, Rick decides to bait at Abraham. "What's so funny huh? I wanna laugh too. Why don't you tell me a joke Ford. We dying of hunger but there's always time for a laugh."

"Your life's a joke! Everything about it makes me laugh!" Abraham retaliates.

"Says the idiot who thinks there's a cure in Washington D.C." Rick fusses.

Abraham gets in Rick's face having been docile for to long with the group's leader. "Tell me one decision you've ever made that hasn't backfired, made new enemies, or got someone killed?!"

"Ima keep making my bad decisions hoping you die next!" Rick fumes.

"I need a snickers bar..." Beth says breathing the tension with her hunger demand. "But Michonne would just eat it! Beth sees Michonne's questioning stare and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, i'm just so **beep**ing hungry."

Lori speaks up. "You know what? Abraham's right. He should be our leader instead of you. He's already got everything your supposed to have...including Michonne."

Michonne's confessional. Lori's a real piece of work. I haven't slept with Abraham but she keeps insinuating that I have to get a rise out of Rick.

"Rick you're one **bee**ping mistake away from a mutiny-" Abraham warns.

"What the hell do you mean? My group is loyal they will never betray me." Rick screams.

Andrea, Merle, Lori, Beth, and Abraham all share a common glance to the contrary.

Beth clears her throat. "Rick we've been talking and we think its time for you to go back into the _garden_...permanently."

"We're not putting anyone in the garden." Michonne says with a tiredness in her voice.

Lori directs some annoyance towards the well intentioned Michonne. "Michonne shouldn't you be face deep in a red pubes by now. Stop getting into conservations between men."

Michonne's nostrils flairs as she gets up looking at Lori. "You and me need to step outside right now!" Michonne seethes as the kind of talk she wanted to have, Carl couldn't bear witness too.

Daryl shakes his head, "Chonne just let it go...Olive Oyl over there's just tryin' get you worked up."

"Michonne isn't even what's important here...getting a new leader is." Lori reminds.

"I'm not just gonna stand here and let Abraham and Rick tare each other apart."

"Why not its your fault." Lori says screaming at Michonne.

Andrea feels the need to cut into Lori, plus her stomach pains are really getting to her at the moment, and she needs to lash out. "Just because Michonne is a better mother to your child then you are doesn't mean you have the right to act like a **beep**."

"I do the best that I can with Carl, I can't say the same for Rick." Lori directs even more anger towards Rick. "You were a lousy husband!"

Rick gets tired of Lori's crude and snide comments. "How's it feel Lori? How's it feel to have someone you love stab you in the back? For your lover to** beep** someone else, over and over again while you lay cold and alone in you bed-worried sick about them, while they get their **beep**s and giggles on your lie of a marriage."

Lori looks confused. "Rick... what are you talking about-"

"Come on Andrea, don't you have something to share with the group, seeing as you already shared yourself with Merle."

Michonne's eyes widen "Rick don't do this."

"No Meesh, I have nothing to hide." Andrea faces Lori, "I **beep**ed your husband and you know what? He loved it. Carl didn't choose you, Merle didn't choose you. No one likes you, get the hell out!" Andrea screams in a rage that scares Michonne who walks to cool down her friend.

"Andrea we shouldn't do this right now." Michonne says as all of this is happening right in front of Carl.

"Its alright because Merle's probably gonna do me later!" Lori gets up charging at the blonde but is held back by Daryl. Beth searches around the room and sees that Merle is now missing.

"I will throw you down and I will **beep** your man right on top of you. Don't think I wont!" Andrea is being help back by Michonne but manages to slip from her friend's grip, and charges at Lori who's still being held by Daryl and slaps the brunette hard across the face.

"You home wrecking tramp!" She slips free of Daryl and shoves at Andrea. Lori turns around distracted by her husband's absence. "Merle!" Lori screams with anger.

Feeling Andrea cool down Michonne releases her and looks worriedly at Carl. With a war cry Andrea drags Lori back by her hair before whipping out a gun and aiming it at her back. In a panicked attempt to stop the bloodshed Michonne unleashes her katana and looks between the two women as she cuts Lori free of Andrea's grip.

"Ahhhhhh, my hair...NNOOOOOO!" Lori crumbles to towards the ground as Andrea tosses the heep of hair she still held at her trembling form.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know what else I could do- she was going to shoot-" Michonne says.

"You **beep**, you** beep**ing die and go to hell! All of you are savages, I didn't want to even be in this group, I just followed Rick because I thought men could lead-but you people, can all** beep**ing die-"

Michonne angrily sheets her katana and approaches Andrea. "Come upstairs with me now." Andrea sulks like she's in trouble with a parent and follows Michonne upstairs into their bedroom.

"What is it Meesh?"

"Give me all your guns."

Andrea sighs and starts to pull guns from literally ever corner of her body, one from behind her back, one in her sock, one in her back pocket, a smaller one she'd been hiding in hair, then finally one from her bra. Andrea then starts to shove her fingers down her throat as if to throw up.

"Andrea what are you doing?!"

"I swallowed a gun yesterday. And yes the safety is on so don't worry."

Michonne checks the guns. "Non of these guns are loaded."

"Yea I know, someone was supposed to go on a run and get me ammo, besides their intimidation guns, I'm not a murder!" Andrea chuckled before leaving the room where a pissed Daryl runs into her.

"You had to tell everybody about you and Merle, he aint perfect but he tryin'. You always interjecting and causing drama!"

"The only thing Merle cares about is finding a hot place to stick his **beep** in!" Andrea screamed as she pushed the hunter away from her.

"You just mad cause you got a burnin **beep**y-tryin to send meh on runs for ointment. Better get Glenn to find that **beep**!"

"This is all your fault, if you would have meet me half way I wouldn't have been with Merle."

"What you want from meh, I gave you all I got and you still wanted more-?"

"No Daryl, I'm tired of you beating around the bush, you talk big but you never do anything-do something Daryl, if you don't like it shut me up-"

Daryl gabs Andrea before shoving his wild tongue in her mouth and gripping her butt a hard squeeze during their angered make out session. He shoves her away as he is left breathless and whipping the saliva away with his forearm.

"I want more than that!" She screams.

"I'll **beep** you when I'm good and ready-"

"You will **beep** me tonight!" Andrea suddenly pulls out her last gun as Daryl aims his crossbow back at her.

"What about Merle-?"

"I'm not in the mood to argue with you-I'm hungry and horny and you will **beep** me! Tonight!"

"Yeah well, we'll see... " Daryl and Andrea never lower their weapons as they slowly backed away from each other before they ran off in the opposite direction.

Rick is outside drawing lines in the dirt and planting small seeds between them as Lori kicks away at the lines once he finishes drawing them.

"What the heck you doing Lori, I'm tryin to save what's left of my crop-"

"Stop playing in the dirt and feed us-"

"I planting these for the group-"

"No, me and the baby-I'm pregnant Rick!"

"Whose is it-"

"What do you think?"

"How far along are you-"

"I told you I don't know... I just woke up one day feeling... rounder-oh my god, this must be why my sweet Merle is avoiding me... do you thing it will come out with a little bayonet too?"

Inside the house, the camera catches up on Lori's first child. Glenn's camera comes up to Michonne after she'd tucked Carl into bed. "Hey Michonne, are you ok? You're the only one who hasn't gotten anything off their chest."

"That's because I never once stopped having my **beep** together." She says then walked off.

Hours later, Merle is still nowhere to be found, Lori is sporting Carol's hairdo, Abraham is resting his head in Michonne's lap, and a very disheveled Daryl and Andrea were still fixing and adjusting their clothes, while entering the room.

Sasha comes into the house, and unlike Lilly she doesn't bring a slew of terminus guards. She was mostly just concerned for the group and wanted to check in on them. She sees everyone in the living room in stages of pain and tiredness due to days without food.

"Are you all alright?" She asks.

"We're hungry!" Beth screams.

"Does Merle share the box of food I leave by the front door each morning, I always see him pick it up."

"That son of a **beep**!" Abraham screams popping up from Michonne's lap.

Lori panics. "Oh no I need the food, I'm eating for two now."

The entire room looks at Lori, all in unison screaming, "what?"

Sasha speaks into her walkie talkie, "code blue...code yellow...dammit all the colors! There's an emergency."


	40. Chapter 40 Gun Fetish

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. ****I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Warning: No Dixons were harmed in the filming of this production. Kink ahead. Viewer discretion advised.  
**

**Gun Fetish **

A week has passed in the house, and the situation Andrea has created between herself and the Dixons has gotten completely out of control.

Andrea's confessional. "Its hard to choose between traumatizing Daryl and angering Lori by banging her husband. Both options are just so damn gratifying. So today I shall try to entertain both."

"Wait so you're in a love triangle with the Dixons?" Glenn asks from behind the camera.

"Yes for once its not Meesh in a love triangle, its meeee!" Andrea screams with glee.

A camera comes in close on the woman of the hour with her Dixon boys. "If you want my love, one of you will have to kill the other in a fight to the death. The loser's body will be showcased as a monument of our love."

"But he's my brother though. I aint fighting Merle." Daryl shakes his head.

"Fine fine, it would have been nice but if you want to be all selfish." Andrea says in a pissy attitude then walks off.

"Baby brother, did she do the gun thing with you yet?"

"The what thing-"

"Well you in for a surprise tonight." Merle patted his brother on the back as Daryl shrugged and walked to Andrea's room.

Later in the day, Daryl is in bed with Andrea for a little cuddling.

"What the hell is that?" Daryl asks.

With a demon's whisper, Andrea responds. "Its my gun..."

"Why the hell do you have a gun with you in bed-wait, is it strapped onto you. What the **beep**?"

Daryl finally pulls away the covers to see a naked Andrea with a gun strap on. She grabs the base of the gun before pouncing on Daryl and gripping his hair.

"Put my piece in your mouth and squeeze my trigger." Andrea commands as Daryl shakes his head in fear. As Andrea thrusts her gun into Daryl's mouth, she laughs at the gagging noise from her hunter lover. "Shoving guns in someone's face is a secret kink of mine... I'ma blow your brains out and lick it up."

A muffled "What the **beep**" is heard form Daryl's mouth as Andrea reaches for the trigger and pulls. "Woops, I guess I'm shootin' blanks tonight, maybe the next one... " She giggles and Daryl finally shoves her off of him.

"What the **beep** Andrea, you tryn' to kill me-"

"What happened to my Daryl Danger Dixon... your brother loves this game, it's gives us a rush, besides it's not even loaded." Andrea keeps pulling the trigger until a shoot actually fires off and makes them both flinch. Andrea gives the angry Dixon a nervous smile.

Andrea's confessional. "The only other people who know about my gun fetish are Michonne, Merle and Bob. I once asked Bob if I could get a gun surgically attached to my crotch, so I could blow it in people's faces... and pee out of it too, I guess, like a real man's **beep**. He said no... So I had to settle for a strap on... It makes me feel powerful."

As Andrea thrusted her piece against his own, he watched as her firearm bounced up and down before she finally stopped. "Alright Daryl, here comes the fun part." Andrea purred as she drew her claws across his chest before flipping him on his belly, making him even more confused than before.

"I call this one, gun in the buns." She mounted him as he wondered out loud "W-Why you call it that for-oh my gooodddd!" Daryl yelled out, waking almost everyone else out of their sleep, as Andrea screamed along with him in ecstasy. "I-I think I'm gonna blow-"

The next morning, Michonne sighs with relief at the kitchen appliances their captors had left for them. As the smell of her coffee made even cameraman Glenn ask her to pour out a drink, the cheerful samari's whole demeanor changed at the sight of Daryl somewhat limping into the kitchen. As Daryl grasped one of the chairs and slowly drew it out, he lowered himself onto it with a pained expression on his face. Once his butt finally touched the seat, he propelled himself off of it like it was adorned in hot coal. Michonne gently handed Glenn his cup of coffee before speaking to Daryl.

"Daryl... are you ok-"

"My ass is on fire."

"I told you to stop using the poison oak for toilet paper... here, I made some coffee. I'll pour you some." Michonne turned away from Daryl as he opted to just stand at the table instead of sitting.

"Yo friend's a freak Chonne. She nearly killed me last night." Daryl bent down to rest his elbows on the table, despite the pain in his behind. Michonne was about to ask why until she saw Rick and Andrea talking in the living room. As Rick shrugged with a nod, he handed Andrea his rifle. Daryl's whole body stiffened as the blonde looked at him with a smirk and cocked her gun before walking up to Daryl in the kitchen.

"Don't worry my little Dixy, this aint for you, it's for Merle... you're not quite ready yet." She winked before leaving the room.

"Daryl?" Michonne asked as Daryl downed his coffee and went off to find their leader.

"What the hell you keep giving guns to Andrea for?" Daryl shouted at Rick, as the other man backed away from his friend's aggression.

"She said she needed it to blow off some steam and kill walkers... which was weird because it only had two bullets in it-"

"That girl crazy, we were** beep**in and-!"

"What ever goes on behind closed doors is non of my business... unless I deem the situation too dangerous."

"You gotta take her guns away." Daryl pleaded as Rick shock his head. "Everyone has the right to a weapon, it's what this country was founded on, beside if you don't like what she's doing to you, than just break up with her!" Rick charged into the kitchen and leaned against the counter in between Abraham and Michonne.

"Wait, I can do that... but Merle always told me that the woman had to break up wif the man-"

"Your brother lies, it's what he does-let Andrea take his crazy ass instead and drop her." Rick advised as he took a sip of Abraham's coffee and walked off with it.

"Son of a dick." Abraham said to Rick who sat across the counter to eye bang Michonne.

"We're all family here Daryl, if we or Ford, don't feel comfortable about something, it's our job to say so." Rick advised his friend, while never breaking his eye sex with Michonne. With a gulp, Daryl went off to find the gun toting woman, as he hoped that like before, would be shooting blanks.

"Hey Andrea... I, we... I don't want to be with you no more. It's over."

As Daryl waited for her to respond, she finally puts her polished gun aside and looked him dead in the eyes.

"Ok."

"Ok, that's it?" Daryl was completely flabbergasted, that's all it took to make her stop.

"Listen Daryl, when it comes to my men, my guns always come first... even though Meesh keeps taking them away from me... I love my babies and if you can't love em, than we can't be together... besides, I was about to break up with you too... my gun's don't like your **beep**." Andrea was so nonchalant with the break up that Daryl actually felt a bit upset.

As Daryl left her room, he felt a bit used and confused... what should he do now?

"Hey Daryl... are you ok?" Michonne found him alone in the living room as he just sat their, staring at the ceiling.

"I don't even know anymore... it's like the harder I try to be happy, the more hurt I get instead... "

"Well, I'm sure things will work out for the best. How about you go into your room and take a nap to clear your head." Michonne said to him as he sighed and stood up.

"Ok Chonne... you always give the best advice sometimes."

As Daryl finally stopped at his door, he found a large box in front of it. The hunter approached the box with caution.

As Daryl kicked the box, he listened to some rusting inside.

"There's something alive in it, could be walkers... maybe even some terminus guards tryin' to ambush us... I'ma stab it." Before Daryl can strike, something pops up from the box that makes Daryl gasp like a little boy on Christmas.

"Holy **beep**, there's a dog in here-claimed!" Daryl puts his knife away before scooping up the frumpy dog in one hand and pulling out a walker ear necklace, hanging it around the dog's neck. "Oh, yeah... and I think the other box could have food in it... aint that right my sweet little blood hound." Daryl spoke to the dog like a baby before walking off into the house.

Daryl's confessional. "Oh man, I always wanted a dog. We could hunt together, sniff out chicks... hell, we could be an unstoppable team... I'ma name him lil Daryl-because he's a badass, just like me... maybe I can strap a crossbow on his back too." Daryl ruffles the dog's fur as it tries to sniff around the room and bite at the camera cables.

Michonne's confessional. "I just wanted to do something nice for Daryl. I thought he really deserved to have something in his life that gave him nothing buy joy."

A camera follows a serious Merle as he comes into Andrea's bedroom, she assumes he's ready to "lick the gun."

"I aint sharing you with my brother no more Andrea. Its gon' be me and you from now on."

"Merle you're only saying this because Lori left you."

"Yea because I kept falling into your man trap of a **beep**y. We meant to be together blondie."

Andrea shrugs her shoulders. "Ok."


	41. Chapter 41 The Last Name

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**The Last Name **

Rick's confessional. "How the hell did I come here married and now I'm divorced and still alone? Everyone in this group has been hooking up with each other and leaving me out, even though I established this **beep**ing group. Now some red bastard comes out of the blue trying to steel my anchor, my left hand, my future wife...If I lose her I will literally go insane and I will kill him. And it will be all his fault."

Glenn's camera catches Rick storming up to Michonne. "What is your relationship with Ford?"

"What's my last name? Answer that and I'll tell you."

Rick does a small pace around the room lowering his head. "Don't do this to me Michonne, you know nobody knows that-"

"Abraham knows." She replies simply.

"So what, you just telling him thangs behind my back. What else does he know, yo bra size?!"

"Dammit Rick, the only thing you care about is whether I'm in a relationship or not-why do you even care? You don't even know the first thing about me!" And with that the woman walked off as Rick pondered what she had said.

Rick's confessional. "She's right... I can't let her innocent soul confide in Ford any longer. If that bastard can be a spy, why can't I... by the end of today, I'll know EVERYTHING about her!"

The living room camera catches Rick with Carl. "Alright Carl, I know we're not on the best of terms right now-"

"You tried to kill me for food and you made Beth booty pop by a fire pit." Carl sighed as Rick ruffled his hair with forced affection before responding. "That was just to soothe yo soul before we burned it-besides we didn't even go through with it-"

"Yeah, because Michonne saved me and put out the fire my mom started. Both of you are the-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we are the spawns of evil and we don't deserve you, you little mistake from below." Rick snapped back as Carl glared at him and tried to walk away.

"Wait Carl, I'm sorry-I need your help... with Michonne." Rick whispered as Carl raised his brow in curiosity. "If you treat your own child like this, I'm afraid of what you'll do to Michonne... so no. Besides I want her with that army guy, he gives me cookies-" Carl smiles.

"Listen here you little reincarnation of Shane, you back stab me one more time and the next house you'll wake up in, will be Garreth's with Wasabi on your pale scrawny legs. You hear me-" Rick screams.

"Oh no, help me Michonne, my dad's being a dick!" Carl yelled in Rick's face making the man cover his son's mouth and look frantically around the room. Seeing the coast was clear, Rick let out a sigh of relief and bent down to look his boy in the eyes.

"Carl... I'm your one and only father-"

"Actually I distinctly remember Merle being my new father... you know, the racist psychopath who married my mom, the woman who shot me in the stomach, you worthless piece of-"

"Stop rehashing old** beep** Carl! I saved you countless times. I may be your leader but I'm your father too... I brought into this world and I can take you out just as easily." Carl backed away from Rick as the man ended his tyranny. "Now son, you gonna help me or not?" Rick pulled Carl along side him, as the boy followed the scary older male. Rick sat Carl on the couch, the boy looked around for any other adults as Rick snapped his fingers, forcing the boy to look at him.

"Now Carl, I need to know some things about your friend Michonne... what's her last name?"

Carl leaned in as if to whisper his answer as Rick waited with bated breath. "Its...**beep** you."

Rick tilted his head dramatically to the left as he touched his gun, but then pried his hand from it with a forced smile. "Carl-"

"Michonne trusted me with her secret and I told her, no I promised her that I wouldn't tell anyone-even you!" The boy folded his hands across his chest as Rick let out an over dramatic sigh and massaged his temples.

"Fine... I can respect that... is there ANYTHANG you CAN tell me?" Rick pleaded as Carl, finally feeling a bit of power over his father nodded, giving the man some hope.

"She like sweets."

"And walkers were once living people Carl; everybody knows that!"

"Do you know what kind of sweets?" Carl prodded his father as the man ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"Big cat." Carl revealed.

Rick laughed at the irony of it all, since literally everyone in the house associates her with a cat. "Michonne likes a candy called big cat... well aint that sweet."

Carl looked up at his father, in a way he was happy to spend time with him, even more elated that he wanted to know more about Michonne.

"She also likes stale M&M's-" Carl added.

"So she only goes for chocolate... alright. Thanks Carl... and about earlier, I didn't mean the things I said."

"Yeah I know, you never follow through on your threats. That's why we like you as a leader, we can always get **beep** past you without worrying about your dumb consequences."

"You know what, there's a reason I don't like taking you on runs-"

"Yeah, because you get people killed."

"... when I turn, I'm taking you down with me... " As Rick finally walks away from his son, he jots down some information about Michonne and moves on to his next victim. Her best friend.

The camera catches Andrea walking into her room unaware that her _babies_ wouldn't be there. "Ok sweethearts, mommy's home-oh my god!" Andrea looks around her room to find it barren of guns, amo and even holsters... she's been cleaned out. She braces against her door in a state of nausea, the sound of a clicking is heard from another room. "That son of a **beep**!" She barrels towards Rick's door and nearly tares the door off of it's hinges. Rick was there sitting pretty with her guns, most of them were already taken apart.

"Get your filthy hands off of them, do you even know what I do with those things? God dammit Rick, you're gonna give me a **beep**ing yeast infection!" The blonde screams.

"I don't even want to know how that would happen... anyway, I need your help with a certain girl."

"You can't use my babies you twisted little prick!"

"Don't call me prick!" Rick shouts as he angrily slams down her gun at the sound of the nickname Abraham had given him.

"Fine, whatever-what do you want Rick?"

"I need lintel on Michonne... you're her best friend so you've got to know her last name."

"She never told me her last name... hell, in all the time we were together we were eating beans or sleeping in meat lockers... or just talked **beep** about my other group because y'all left me to die."

"Why are you so petty, can't you just let that go?" Rick said as Andrea rolled her eyes and tried to grab one of her guns. "As the leader I am confiscating them until you tell me something about Michonne... how can her best friend not know her last name?" Rick questions as Andrea left the room, leaving Rick wondering why she would give in so easily and abandon her guns. As he finally got up from impatience, the words "Alright baby, I'll handle it" rings in the hallway.

Merle charged into the room followed by Andrea.

"Heard you were messing around with my lady's guns Friendly... now I'll give you one minute to get your sorry, thivn' ass out of here-"

"But it's my room!" Rick said in annoyance as Merle pointed his new little Merle at him. Not only was there a gun attached to Merle's arm, but it was also sporting a blade on the end of the barrel.

"This here is our love child, Merledrea... she'll stab yah, shot yah and with enough force, crack your **bee**ping skull open... so, sheriff, will you reconsider my generous offer and give my woman her **beep**ing guns back 'fore I** beep** your **beep**ing head against the wall!" Merle yelled at the top of his lungs.

"I-I'm, the leader here and you will respect my authority-"

"Bull**beep**, we all know you aint gon' do nothin'." Merle mocked the man as Andrea walked out of his room with her bag of firearms.

Andrea decides to give Rick some information, she doesn't want him coming after her _babies_ again. "Alight, unlike me, Mesh is horrible with firearms... can't hold a big gun to save her life."

Rick writes this down, the only person left, besides Ford, was Michonne's ex and Rick's right hand man, Daryl.

Rick watched as Daryl's new dog brought back yet another walker arm, he looked in worry at the small pile of rotting flesh accumulating the the yard.

"Hey Daryl can I talk to you for a sec?" Rick waited for Daryl to turn around, as Rick did a double take on his friend's smile.

"Sorry man, I didn't see yah, this little's guy's been keeping me busy-aint that right boy?" Daryl groped the nape of the dog's fur with affection as Rick shifted his glace from the hunter to the house. "It was hard after the break up, but Beth let it slip that Chonne was the one who got him for me... I know she still cares about us, but it's still nice to get something physical once and a while, you know?"

Daryl happily spoke to lil Daryl. "Go on boy get the stick this time... crazy son of a **beep**... don't look at me like that, yo mama was a **beep**." Daryl joked as the dog barked and waited for Daryl to throw one of the sticks that he and Beth had gathered for the happy dog.

"So Rick, what you need?"

Rick scratched the back of his head with an uncertain grin before saying "your dog's been gathering up quite the grave yard, when you're done playing with him, you gotta burn the body parts." Rick told the man as he nodded, once again proud to own up to his responsibility.

With a sigh Rick walked away from the man. He couldn't interrogate Daryl, not when he was this happy. Rick comes to his own conclusion about Michonne and wrote down, kindness and understanding-gave Daryl a dog and puts up with my **beep**...

As Rick looked at the list he figured out that Michonne didn't just like sweets, she was sweet, she had bonded with his boy in a way he could not. She can't use a firearm but she is loyal to her friends... she's only human and she still has her limits too. Rick ripped out the paper, he crumbled it up and threw it away, as a pair of ever vigilant eyes watched him from her window.

"Rick." The man turned around at the sound of his name as he nodded at the woman in front of him. "Michonne." He answered back.

"I know what you've been up to-"

"I'm sorry... I messed up again. I just found out what I knew all along... "

"...and what's that?" Now Michonne wanted some confirmation from the man.

"That you're here Michonne, and that's all that matters." Rick reached out to touch her arm, but he drew back his touch with a nod as Michonne smiled and walked up to him, leaning into his ear.

"Fine... I'm glad you're here too, no matter how crazy you can be at times... and I'll tell you what my last name is..." Michonne whispered it into his ear as he nodded with a smile and watched her walk away.

"My last name is Grimes." He answered back making her stop and turn around. "I already know that."

"Yeah well... just encase you want to change your last name to something else... mine is still available." He tried to hit on her as she finally let out a coy smile.

Abraham's confessional. "So how do you feel now that Rick and Michonne seem to be getting together?" Glenn questions from behind the camera.

"Well I wouldn't choose him as a first choice for her, but she's like my little sister so I guess I owe it to her to support her relationship with that prick. Michonne fully supports my relationship With Rosita so..."

Glenn's head swings around his camera. "What? We have no footage of that."

"Or course you don't. Rosita doesn't film our interactions together, plus she knows where all the cameras are in the house. I've been with her since the day I got here."

"She's a traitor to the art of this reality show." Glenn mumbles with detest.

In present time, the footage switches back to the Grimes couple. Michonne moved forward, closing the space between them as Rick slid his arm around her back, drinking in the darkness of her eyes like an euphoric elixir. He had her this entire time, from the moment they met... but now they would take their relationship into it's next step, together. Finally, he could know what truth and happiness tasted like as he lower his lips above hers and-

"Sorry sweetie, but that won't be happening... seeing as Rick will be to busy being the father of my child!" Lori squeezed in between the pair as she coiled her arms around Rick, who tried to push her away, but was frozen at the sight of the lump underneath her shirt.

"What do you think you're doing Lori, that baby is Merle's?"

"I just came back from seeing Bob, who gave me an ultra sound. Merle and I have only been together for a month, I'm almost three months along now...you do the math." Lori said with a smugness that literally made Michonne want to break her hand off on Lori's face.

Lori continued on. "It's time for the real Grimes family to get back together." Lori squealed as Michonne gave Rick a look which cut through him like blade before she walked away from them.


	42. Chapter 42 Rick's Nightmare

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**Rick's Nightmare**

The next day Rick can't find Michonne anywhere, he even had to act politely towards Abraham which was such a hard task for Rick, that it lead to him suddenly getting a nose bleed.

Andrea's confessional. "Listen, the only reason most of us even see Michonne is because she allows us to. If you think you can catch her on film, then go ahead, good luck with that."

Glenn feels a weird breeze behind his back then turns around in confusion. "What the hell was that?'

"That was Michonne." Andrea shrugs.

Andrea is in her room with Merle when Rick shows up. Merle jumps back as Andrea grabs a cross and holds it out to Rick, as if his soul was being possessed by the devil right in front of her. "Don't come any closer Grimes." Merle sees Daryl passing by with his dog. "Baby brother, get yo mutt and run! If Rick gets to close to y'all, the dog's a dead **beep**." Daryl picks up his dog who's howling at Rick in fear.

Merle's confessional. "Rick's cursed! That's gotta be what's wrong with him! I've never seen a man loose out on happiness so many times in my life. He got that bad juju. Rick is like a walker, everything he touches dieesss."

A paranoid Merle looks at Rick. "Rick you better rectify this situation before one of us ends up at the end of Michonne's katana. She hurt right now, and none of us can find her."

"What the hell am I supposed to do Merle? It's a complicated situation."

"Well you can hypothetically get rid of the hypothetical problem by hypothetically pushing it down the hypothetical stars."

Andrea nods, "I hypothetically agree."

Andrea then walks up to Rick, she's still pissed that he dismantled most of her guns yesterday, especially since she has no idea how to reassemble them. "You know what Rick? You should have struck when the iron was hot. I heard about the day you hijacked Abe and Meesh's run. You were in a hot and sweaty car with Michonne's unbuttoned shirt and all you did was eye **beep** her and cry about feelings. You disgust me."

"Hows that little burning sensation, Andrea? Its making you rather **beep**y today." Rick taunts.

Suddenly Daryl walks into the room and begins to yell at Rick as well. "Control yo baby mama, she throwing away all my dog's **beep** and replacing it with that Gerber baby **beep**, I nearly feed my dog peas and carrots!"

"Calm down Daryl, I'll talk to her about it-"

"Don't just **beep**ing talk to 'er, do something! Put yo** beep**ing foot down!"

Rick ran off from the hunter and headed downstairs into the kitchen to find it littered with dog food. He approaches Lori, who's throw yet another can of dog food into the trash.

"Lori, you can't trow away all the dog food-Daryl needs it for his pet."

Lori held her bump as she stood up and glared at her ex husband. "Do you know what happened today, I asked my sweet baby boy to give me something to eat, so he whipped me up some dog food!"

"Maybe he just doesn't like you..." Rick whined.

"Also, we can't keep the dog-it's too dangerous for me and my baby-"

Daryl charged into the kitchen, not trusting Rick to be stern enough to handle Lori. "What, no **beep** is gonna take my dog away from me-I'll kill your ass before that happens!"

"Don't yell at me, you're stressing out my baby!" Lori cried out causing Rick to rigorously rub the back of his neck.

Rick sighs. "Alright Lori, I understand you're a bit stress right now... but we can't afford to get rid of the dog or throw out its food."

A still agitated Daryl is relentless in telling Lori what's up. "You touch my pooch and I'll introduce the bastard in yo belly to my hunter's knife." Daryl pulled out his knife as Lori laughed at him. "Is that before or after I make your dog into a knapsack-"

"That's it, both of you separate now! Lori, we need to talk!" Daryl leaves the room with a head nod to Rick that meant it was time for Lori to be handled.

"If you gonna have this baby, we need to make changes in this house... to make you more... _comfortable_. How good are you with climbing up and down the stairs?" Rick asked, thinking about what Merle said earlier.

Lori just ignores him. "I want Michonne and Andrea's room, I want them to move out so we can use it as a nursery. I also need more food for my baby, so I get first pick of everything in the house, the others can have the rest. What else...?"

"You can't take their room Lori-"

"I want that dog out of the house, it, Andrea and that Michonne women can sleep outside... I don't trust them around my bump... hurry up and get it done Rick." Lori waved Rick away from her as she left the kitchen.

Rick looked up to see Daryl watching him from the hallway, shaking his head in disgust, leaving Rick with a feeling of shame. "Me and the pup gon' dig a hole in the backyard... what you choose to do with it is up to you man."

Rick heads down the hall. He stops sensing something. "Michonne...if you can hear me right now. I gotta talk to you." Michonne jumps down from the ceiling and startles him. "What is it?"

"How the hell were you up there?"

Michonne is silent.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do Michonne. I never wanted this to happen."

"This is your responsibility Rick, you have to take care of it." Rick nods his head then blinks and she's vanished.

Merle comes up beside Rick, "what is she though? Maybe she's a figment, maybe all of us going crazy and imagining her. I know I kidnapped her that one time but it could have just been a deer. Oh my god, we all **beep**ing crazy!

Daryl comes into the hall. "Shut up, Michonne's real she just stealthy. Idiots."

"How you know she really real...you cudda just been stabbing your wood into air."

"Cuz I aint stupid like yal. Merle being with Andrea making you dumb. Rick you gotta handle this situation or else Michonne aint gonna reappear again."

Merle searches around the hall. "I feel like one of dem teenage girls in a horror movie just waiting for her to strike, I can't take the suspense! Just **beep**ing come out already woman! I can't take it anymore!"

Daryl shakes his head. "Merle she aint gonna come after you she gon' come after Rick..or Lori."

Merle then feels a breeze past his ear and jumps. "What the hell was that?!"

"That was Michonne." Daryl shrugs.

Merle runs into his room and slams the door shut.

Andrea returns to her bedroom hoping to find her friend. "Meesh?" She whispers then turns around hearing the door slam behind her, but when she looks towards the door, there's no one in sight. Andrea sighs and hears Michonne clearing her throat behind her, jumping Andrea turns around. "Are you ok?"

"I''m fine." Michonne responds.

"Where have you been?"

"Watching..."

"Watching what?"

Michonne is silent then turns around and jumps out of the window.

"Oh my god! Meesh!" Andrea screams rushing towards the window to see Michonne walking across the lawn. "what the hell-oh...its Meesh, I never question how she does things. okay. I'm good." She exhales.

A few hours later, the camera catches Lori doing what she does best. Annoying the group's leader. "Rick you and I are meant to be together and as uneventful as the sex was it produced this baby."

'Lori your delusional. The love died between us a long time ago. I want to be with Michonne. Do you understand that?"

"She's gone! And I'm right here, come on don't you want me?"

"No **beep** I want you." Michonne's voice is heard in the distance as Lori turned around shocked to see her.

Despite looking like she's about to tear Lori's head off, Michonne speaks calmly. "When people think no one's around, they let their guard down. And its funny what I've seen from you Lori."

"You need to face reality Michonne. I won! You should just leave."

Michonne smirks while slowly pulling her katana free of its sheath making Rick nervous. As the samari walks towards Lori Rick's eyes widen. "Michonne don't do this...no matter what happens with the baby-!"

"There wont be a baby." Michonne corrects then Rick screams as Michonne's katana slashes the lump on Lori's stomach. Lori holds her stomach crying as she falls to the ground. "My baby!" Lori screams.

Hearing the commotion, most of the house rushed to the living room. Michonne angrily kicks Lori's hands away from cradling her child less stomach. Looking down Rick raises an eyebrow as Michonne reaches into Lori _womb_ pulling out pillow cushioning. "The only possible father to your _baby_ is bed, bath, and beyond!"

Lori stands. "How does it feel to have the one thing you love the most taken away from you?!" Lori gave Michonne a wicked smile as she untied the ropes keeping the pillow in place, as it fell to her feet.

"You didn't have to do this to get Rick-"

"**Beep** Rick, I'm talking about my hair! You chopped it off and I feel so incomplete-"

"Let me get this straight... you lied to us, tormented Rick, ate off all of our food, and even threatened the dog... because I cut your hair?"

"... you didn't have to do it, you could have cut Andrea's hand off instead of my precious locks. But Noooo, you just had to play favorites and- "

"I was trying to save your life-"

"I aint as weak as Rick, I didn't need you to save me! Only men can save me! How dare you?!"

Rick steps ahead of the group. "Everybody leave the room...Lori you stay behind." Rick turns to Glenn's camera, "Glenn you leave too. I don't want anybody to see this." The camera pans away from Rick and follows everyone walking away from the living room.

As the housemates waited outside the house, the sounds of Rick shouting at Lori echoed past the survivors who trusted their leader to do what he thought was right... but knowing him, they'd probably have to clean up Lori blood from the walls. Michonne is standing with her hands over Carl's ears.

"I'm glad Rick is handlin' his **beep**... but it sounds pretty messy in there. I aint one to judge but... oh **beep**, he's coming out." Daryl whispers as Rick kicked open the door and dragged something rolled up in a rug towards the hole Daryl dug earlier.

"Uh, you need any help brother?" Daryl offered as Rick's wide white eyes pierced through the darkness at his subordinate's, making them nervously look away. As Rick continued to drag the rolled up rug towards the hole, he dropped it near the edge and furiously kicked it down the hole. As Rick walked up to them, everyone somewhat huddled together, just encase he lost it.

"Nobody go near that hole without my say. Now get back to your rooms... it's gonna rain tonight and probably even flood the whole lawn." Rick's whole presence reeked of inhumanity and dominance, making everyone leave but as Michonne left, Rick called out to her.

"Michonne, your bed's still ruined... you gonna sleep in my room tonight." Rick command, making the woman smirk and nod as a sign of gratitude and understanding.

"Rick... what exactly did you put in the hole-"

"Just some bad memories. Tomorrow, I'm gonna bury what's left of that hole and finally move on with you. No more hesitation. No more excuses."


	43. Chapter 43 Sexual Healing

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Sexual Healing **

Daryl lightly pulls on his dog's leash making him stop, as he assesses his slightly limping leader. The weird part was that Rick was clearly in pain, but he also had a wide grin of his face.

"Hey man, you okay?"

"Yeah man, these are happy pains. I feel so **beep**ing alive right now, like I just killed a hundred walkers with a canon! Is this how you felt all that time Daryl? I want to wrestle a **beep**ing bear."

"Oh you were getting it on with Michonne...well you're gonna need the Michonne survival kit. Eight bottles of water, get some energy bars, have some spare bed sheets because you gon' sweat through all of dem, unless you're into that, keep photos of all your loved ones because you will forget who they are, I once thought Merle was a mail man. And most importantly don't slow down, if you do, you might die."

Daryl tries to leave his friend then stops "oh and her safety word is Bill Clinton...its not for her to use its for you. Good luck brother."

Andrea's confessional. "I haven't seen Meesh all day, and I've barely seen Rick. I only saw him once in the kitchen looking out of breath like a dog in august, trapped in boiling nursing home. He was carrying a bowl of chocolates and strawberries, almost bit my head off because I tries to take a strawberry."

Merle's confessional. "You know I'm a man first and a racist second... so when I saw Rick working in his garden shirtless, before Mi-chonne dragged her little cat claws on his back like puss in heat. He dropped that shovel faster than a stripper on Friday, and worked that girl like a..." Merle paused to wipe the sweat off of his nervous and flustered brow. "The only reason I'm in here right now, and not watching their little escapades is because I thought I saw that woman looking back at me for a moment, so I'm hiding in here until I can get back out there and watch the action."

Abraham's confessional. "I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear about it. The next person who asks me about Michonne and that noisy prick will die... I mean how many times can two people **beep** each other, I don't even think it's possible for him to last this long... "

Carl is seen wearing shades and earmuffs. His feet were propped up in the table as he read one of his comic books.

"Carl?" Glenn waved his hand in front of the boy catching his attention and making him remove one ear to hear him.

"This is the longest I've seen you in the living room-"

"Michonne told me to stay down here and wear these to block out the sounds... but she didn't tell me why or what sounds she was talking about."

Just then Rick in only his boxers wheels past the couch in Andrea's old wheelchair.

"Dad, what happened?" Carl asked the man who smiled back at his son.

"Michonne and I tried somethang new and I kind of threw my back out, twisted my ankle and just woke up from a mini coma... but once I'm healed up, I'ma do it again. Come hell or high water, I'm gonna take Michonne and-"

"Carl, the ear muffs, use them now!" Glenn warned as Michonne quickly ran up to Rick, dressed only in his t-shirt, and wheeled him away from the boy before he could completely scar him for life, again.

"Carl I love you son, I want you to do whatever makes you happy in life!" Rick yells back as Michonne continues to wheel him away from the living room.

"Michonne I need moooorrreeeee." Rick begs.

"You told me you saw the light, I can't risk killing you. You need some rest."

"NEVER! A wise woman once told me that she was done taking breaks and so am I!"

The camera is filming Andrea and Merle who are peeking through the crack of Rick's bedroom door as he and Michonne are getting it on. Andrea is taking notes while Merle is wishing he wasn't a bigot.

"Merle you see what Rick just did, you think you can do that?" Andrea whispers.

"No Andrea, you need both hands to do that, I aint no gymnast." Merle answers.

"You think you can do that split thing Michonne does?"

"I don't know, its not like I can stop her right now and ask her to teach me."

Rick and Michonne roll out of their sight. "Damn. I can't see then anymore."

"Screw this, just move." Andrea opens the door and snaps five pictures of them then runs. "Merle run, hurry up before they get there clothes back on."

Abraham's confessional. "Rick just held a **beep**ing gun to my head...I thought it was because he hated me, what else is new, but he did it because he really didn't know who I was. He thought I was an intruder."

Andrea's confession. "Merle and I were just minding our own business, looking at the pictures we took of Michonne and Rick doing the deed when all of a sudden Rick comes into the room and asks how Amy was doing. Merle literally had to pull me off him. Then that son of a **beep** looked shocked to see Merle, and asked how he got off the roof?"

Rick looks oddly at Beth as he's passing her in the hall. "Beth I'm glad I found you, tell Hershel we need a few more days in this house, we have to find Sophia."

Daryl's confessional. "I warned Rick this would happen, **beep**ing Michonne has literally made him forget the evils of his past. I told him the loving was good, but he aint listen."

Carl is standing by a guilt ridden Michonne as Rick is starring at his son with uncertainty.

"Dad, stop playing around-"

"Why are you so pale?"

"What?"

"How can you be Michonne's son and be so pale, aint you mixed... where's your melanin?" Rick asked making Carl do a double take. "Well strangers, y'all look like decent folks... I'ma go outside and do my daily patrols... I'm the law around here you know." Rick takes his sheriff hat from Carl before walking outside.

"Oh **beep**, if he's forgetting everything-what if he sees a walker and don't know to kill it?!" Daryl yells as everyone rushes outside to see Rick outside the gate. There's a walker on the ground but Rick just keeps shooting it in the chest.

"The head Rick, shoot it in the head!" Daryl screams.

"But it's a person-" Rick responds with confusion.

"No it aint a **beep**ing person man. It's a walker!" Daryl takes his crossbow and runs over to help Rick by shooting it in the head.

"I'm so sorry that this happened to you." Rick whispers to the walker as Daryl makes Rick cringe by pulling out his bolt and stomping the walker's head in.

Merle comes up with a plan. "You gotta make the sex bad Michonne. If Rick can't stop nailing ya, you gotta give him a reason to stop."

"I don't even know how to make it bad. That's not possible." She responds in concern.

Andrea places a hand on her shoulder. "You gotta pretend you're Lori. Girl you just gotta lie there like a cold dead fish."

"What? No! My body is meant to move, to do tricks, back flips-"

"We knowwwww!" Merle and Andrea say in unison.

"By the way give me your damn camera." Michonne says while snatching the device from Andrea's grasp.

"We need it for research. Merle gets sore from the gun play, we need other options."

"We need to focus on getting Rick back to normal." Michonne demands.

Michonne's confessional. "I tried to just lie there but, the urge to move was too overwhelming. I... I completely dominated Rick and now he's forgot everything. He thinks I'm his wife, he asked me why we needed protection if we were already married. It's like his memories just created a new past for him... he even tried to rename Carl." With a sigh Michonne realized what she had to do. "I have to leave the house for good, to get our leader back... those bad memories made him the man he was-"

Andrea pops her head into Michonne's confessional room. "Meesh, you don't have to do that. I've got a plan."

The camera then shows Rick with an odd device around his neck.

"Andrea what the hell is this?" She asks her friend.

"Its a shock collar, if he touches you, or even mentions sex in anyway. I zap him."

Rick tries to calm a suddenly freaked out Michonne. "Don't worry Michonne it doesn't even work. Now lets go upstairs and I can take off your-ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

"See Meesh, it totally works."

Later that day. As Andrea pressed down on the control button, she demands that Rick answer her question properly.

"Who am I Rick?"

"You are Andrea, the zombie killing queen of this world. And I am your servant Richard."

Andrea points to Merle, "and who's that?"

"He is the king of this new world...and my father? I call him big daddy."

Rick screams as Andrea zaps him. "Its big sugar daddy! You got it wrong again. Now who is he?!"


	44. Chapter 44 You've Got A Friend In Me

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'  
**

**You've Got A Friend In Me  **

While Beth is on her way to the recovery house to see her father, Carl asks to tag along, wanting a visit with Shane. As the two youngsters arrive they separate intending to meet later. Carl finds Shane and is brought into a dance session with him and the rhythm having genius Tyreese.

In the spacious room Shane looks at Carl. "How angry are you? How angry are you at your life right now? When you dance you gotta imagine that the beat is Rick. You gotta beat it to a bloody pulp, you gotta stomp it, kill and destroy." Shane takes a second to rub his head. "Now I can teach you because I've learned from the best, big Teddy Ty T bear Tyreese over there...you see how calm he always is, its because he can krump...and he's a professionally trained ballet and contemporary dancer. I've seen him Penché. Its the most beautiful thing in the world. Be we aint here for beauty, we here for anger."

"Can I just call him Tyreese? I don't know if I can remember all his nicknames." Carl asks.

"They aint nicknames they badges of honor! You will respect him as the dancing genius that he is and say his full name at all times. Carl say it right now!" Shane yells.

"Ummm Big teddy, Tyreese, bear big T...right?"

"That's close enough." Shane says rubbing the back of his head furiously. "Now tell me what pisses you off most in life?!"

"Life-"

"Don't be emo Carl, be more specific!" Shane demands.

"Well even though my dad and Michonne are together... I should feel happy, but-"

"You miss your pathetic father huh-"

"**Beep** no, I miss Michonne!"

"Don't** beep**in' cuss Carl! Now wait here while I get you a tool to improve yo future. Big teddy Ty T bear Tyreese! Bring out his partner."

As Tyreese opens a closet door, a limping walker staggers out towards the startled boy. Carl pulls out his gun but Shane slaps it out of his hands, and points towards the flesh eating monster.

"Look at it Carl, even walkers have rhythm... find the rhythm and krump it back to death."

"You want me to dance for it?!"

"No Carl, I want you to kill it with yo moves! Now dance boy!" Shane walks behind his two large drums and closes his eyes allowing his hands to feel the beat. As the sound echoed around Carl, he had no choice but to sway with the rhythm of the walker, as if to challenge it to a dance off by mimicking it's step.

"Go Carl, GOOOOOO!" Shane shouts opening his eyes.

Carl begins to sway his body as the walker swipes at him. Just as it lunged forward to bite the boy, Carl kicked the monster down.

"River dance! **Beep**ing stomp to the beat! Kill that walker!" Shane yells as Tyreese nods his head and coolly says "feel the flow Carl."

Carl jumps on the walkers chest before crossing his arms behind his back and doing a series of complicated steps, reducing it to mush before sending a final crushing blow to the walker's skull.

"What was the name of that walker Carl?" Shane asks.

"Dad." Carl responds victoriously.

"You aint done yet-next walker!" Shane blows a whistle at the open door, as another walker is attracted to the loud music and the shrill of the whistle.

"Can I krump yet-" Carl asks.

"You not ready! Break dance boy!"

Carl does a head spin, kicking the walker down before doing a hand stand over the walker's head and punching it to death. As the last walker came in, Shane and Tyreese gave Carl the look of approval.

Carl lands back on his feet, he's as light as a feather. He then shoves the walker to the ground, before stopping on its head and screaming at it. "I hate you dad!"

Shane's confessional. "The thing about krumping is you gotta get mad, get angry, you gotta yell. If you never scream the entire time you're doing everything wrong. Its an aggressive dance, it gets all your demons out. Like working out at the gym but for superstars who've got rhythm!

As both walker and boy were lock in a heated dance battle, the walker's slow steps were easily out moved by Carl.

"Finish him!" The men yell in unison. Carl used his fist in a rhythm of angry punches to the walker's gut and face. As Carl bitch slapped the walker, he lets out a powerful tension releasing scream before severing and destroying its head.

As Shane wipes a proud tear from his eye he mutters "I just created a **beep**ing monster. Go on Carl, use the rhythm... use it."

Carl was krumping in the walker's blood and cuts with a look of fire and determination in his eyes. Tyreese nods his head. "He's ready."

Meanwhile Beth finds the Governor looking out his window. As she takes in a sharp breath she tries to sneak past his room, he suddenly appears beside her making her scream and run before her whole world goes dark. As she finally wakes up, she is strapped to a chair and in front of a little pink table with ice tea and mini cakes.

"Where am I, daddy, were are you?" Beth looks around the pink room before her eyes land on the Governor in a blue and white sailor suite.

"Hello there Beth-"

"Whaaaaaaa!"

"No, No, no-shhhhhh!" He covers her mouth as he waits for her to calm down. He looks towards his now closed door to see if anyone would break up his party for two. With a relived sigh, he picks up some cake and cups them over Beth's mouth, force feeding her like a horse.

"It's okay Beth, I'm not going to hurt you. You're my guest!" The Governor sits across from her as he drops a straw in her ice tea. "This is my exclusive party for my special friends! Would you like some tea-I swear this batch isn't poisoned." He jokes.

Beth stays silent as he gives her a wide grin and eats a mini cake. "It's so hard making friends these days... I know you're Hershel's good little girl, so you wont wrong me... like the others." He scowled at the wall, thinking back to Rick and his group who killed his walker daughter, and the producers who threw him out of the house.

Just as Beth was about to call him crazy, she stopped and spoke to the older man in a calm voice. "Governor-"

"Call me Brian! Phillip is dead... like Woodbury... my hopes, oh and that nurse-"

"Brian, why didn't you just invite a friend from the house instead of kidnapping me-"

"This party if for V.I.P's only... OKAY FINE, I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS!" The man began sobbing out his tears, moistening the cakes. "I'm so **beep**ing alooone!"

After a long session of weeping, Beth rolled her eyes away from the man and muttered "Okay, I'll be your friend."

Brian smiled before going wide eyed with joy and poking Beth's cheek with affection. "Friend."

"Stop that."

"Soooo, now that we're friends we can do fun stuff together-torture people, rob helpless camps and even attack the house!" Brian suggested as Beth wiggled in her seat.

"Um, that's all well and good but can you at least let me out of this chair?"

"If I let you go, you have to promise me that you wont run away. If you do, I'll cut your legs off and sow them on backwards." He mentioned towards the unfinished dresses and sowing kit he had in the corner of the room.

"You can't do that to your friends. If you want people to like you, you'll have to learn some empathy and humanity. I wont run away from you, I_ trust_ you not to kill me."

Brian went towards his assortment of swords, knives and scalpels. He eyed the sharpest one as he held it near her throat and then cut down on the ropes, freeing her.

"How do I become good?" He was intrigued by her words of wisdom.

"What do you do if someone slaps you on the cheek?"

"Destroy their family and hang them by their entrails." He said proudly.

"No Brian, you offer them the other cheek. Here, let me slap you."

"No..."

"Brian, this will help your humility. Be a good friend and let me slap your face."

With a sigh, the older male leans down and Beth began to rub her hands together in amusement. As she walked back at bit, swiped her feet against the ground like a bull and ran forward slapping the leftover cake out of his mouth. The man winced as Beth's advice came to mind and he turned his head and waited for his punishment.

"Palm or back hand Brian? Which one?" She took in the redness on his face with a feeling of satisfaction.

"B-Back hand?"

Without missing a beat Beth punched him in the face with a closed fist, right in his good eye.

"That was a trick question, you settle for what your friend gives you-YOU MUST NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING!"

"Next we should work on complements... people love being apprenticed. Complement me." She demanded.

"Uh... you have glowing skin... like a ghost?" he said as the girl stood there and suddenly raised her hand to strike him.

"No, uh wait... you uh-"

"I'll go first, I like your eye patch."

"Really? It's made out of black satin silk-"

"No. You look like a creepy pirate and that sailor suite isn't helping either. As your friend I must tell you the truth. But I can also lie to you to make you feel better-now make me feel better."

"When I'm upset, I think about the cold dark places in my mind as my enemies starve to death, while I chain them up like animals and only keep them alive to satisfy my dark twisted desires." He mused.

"Hold on, I have an idea... wait here." Beth leaves the room as the man waits. If she runs and never comes back, he will kill her.

As she dragged in another male his age that he had seen around the house, Brian snared at the man with mistrust. He was one of the people from the main group that rallied against him along side Rick.

"Brain this is Shane, Shane this is Brain. Seeing as you're both power hungry, Rick hating murders I thought you'd have a lot to talk about." Beth waits to see their interaction.

"You hate those **beep**holes too? Those bastards ran me out of that house and killed my baby girl." Brain says still feeling so much angry about it all.

"Yeah I know-but that was all Rick, besides, him and his wife ruined my life too. I saved their lives and they just betrayed me!" Shane replied as Brian smiled and held out his hand for Shane to shake.

"Do you want to have some ice tea with me?" Brian asked, as Shane nodded and said "Only if you like violence and seeking out Rick's destruction as an appetizer?"

They both laughed and began to talk about the housemates and their demise. Beth didn't know if she did the right thing by letting these immoral men become friends, but she wanted to see her man Garreth and she would just deal with the consequences later. If Rick can make crappy decisions that potentially put everyone's lives in danger, why couldn't she?


	45. Chapter 45 She's a Kicker

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. Warning: Rick was hurt in the making of this production, but he'll be fine... hopefully.  
**

**I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.' **

**She's a Kicker**

Producer Sasha narrates. "There were so many physical problems and damage done to the walking dead house, that we needed the group to act like civilized human beings for once and stay out of the way while we made renovations. When we told the group this, Beth and Daryl decided to torch the house. For no good reason. Who burns down a perfectly good house? I was a fire fighter! A burning house that I can't save is like a knife to the heart for me."

Daryl's confessional earlier that day. "We gon' burn this hell hole to the ground. Me and Beth kinda into arson so...its fun. Don't judge us!" He says then runs out as smoke is filling the room.

In the present moment, Sasha takes a deep sigh analyzing the damage before her. "All of you are to stay put until we can set up a new house, until then you'll sleep outside-unless you wanna burn the yard too?" She grimaced at the sight of Beth and Daryl eying the gas cans with a smile.

"Ok crew, create a blockade so these people can't tamper with the wreckage. I'm not putting anything past them." Sasha said completely ignoring the groans of her crew as they got to work.

"So where are we gonna sleep, on the grass and what about food-" Andrea asked as Sasha finally lashed out "YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGH ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU LET THING ONE AND TWO, BURN DOWN THE **BEEP**ING HOUSE!" Sighs exhales, "make a bed out of leaves and branches if you will, I no longer give a **beep**." And with that Sasha hops into a black car that the group watches speed off.

"OK guys its late, lets just pick a spot in the grass and camp out." Michonne says while walking towards Rick but is intercepted by Andrea. "No Meessh, remember you need to stay away from Rick."

Michonne sighs and turns away as Andrea is sitting on the stomach of a passed out Merle, who's had too much smoke inhalation.

Glenn brings his camera to Rick's face. "Time to do your confessional."

"Confessionals are supposed to be private, I aint doing it with everyone watching me."

Glenn sighs, "I drew a square in the dirt, that's your confessional room." Rick gets up and sits in the center of the square. "I hate Beth and Daryl, how can two people be so reckless and stupid!"

Beth and Daryl are starring down at Rick during his_ private_ confessional.

Seeing this, Rick changes the subject. "Michonne and I are going to hunt for some food." Michonne nods and gets up as her and Rick walk off. Andrea packs an additional gun and follows them. "I'm coming with."

As the three are walking through the night, Andrea wedges herself between them as the two keep trying to touch each other.

"Walkers!" Rick yells as Andrea looks down at her hip and pulls her gun free. When she looks around Rick and Michonne are gone. "You aint gon **beep** tonight you two **beep**ers!" A shaky camera closely follows Andrea as she runs screaming into the night.

A gunshot followed by the loud wail of a man is heard. "Michonne, what did she hit, I can't fell my leg-is my **beep** OK?" Rick screams as Michonne checks his leg and yells at Andrea in worry. "You severed a main vain Andrea-Rick, I need to apply more pressure to the wound... so try not to get aroused, the less blood flowing down there, the better. Andrea, you need to tell the group what happened and make one of them find a medic."

"I'm not leaving you guys alone to screw around in his blood."

"He's going to die Andrea, come on!" Michonne says pressing deeper onto Rick's wound as he gives her a pain filled smile.

"Fine, but I'm going to take my time getting there."

"Just go!"

As Andrea walked away, Rick reached out with a blood stained hand and tried to unbutton his pants.

"Maybe you can multitask... one hand on my wound and the other one can go down my pants." Rick suggested. Michonne looked at his pleading stare and tried to weigh the outcome of Rick's possible death, for a few minutes of a hand job. "No, it's too risky."

Merle, who hasn't moved from the ground in an hour, suddenly wakes up covered in mosquito bites. Andrea finally reaches him, and forgets all about helping Rick. "Merle, oh no. My baby's gettin' drained!" She shakes him but he's too weak to move.

"They sucked me dry Andrea. I aint got no blood left." She watches Merle laying on the ground like a log, while Abraham who's cuddling a cold Rosita looks around, "wait where's Rick and Michonne?"

"Oh they were trying to get it on in the woods, so I shot him. He's bleeding out."

"Dammit Andrea are you crazy-wait, I know the answer to that question." Abraham gets up and enlists Daryl to follow him as Rosita sighs and poses while turning her camera on, "I hate working here..." she then runs after the two men with her camera badly angled at their feet.

Abraham and Daryl find a panicked Michonne and a crying Rick, who's in a state of tears wanting a few strokes. "No Rick I can't remove my hands from your wound, stop."

Abraham takes charge, as he and Daryl strip off their weapons and get to work on Rick. "Daryl you make a fire. Michonne, you take his pants off, I'm gonna have to cauterize that wound to stop the bleeding." Abraham takes Michonne's katana and hovers it over Daryl's sudden burst of flames as Michonne is quickly removing Rick's pants.

"I don't want that bastard touching me." Rick whines before Daryl puts a thick squirrel tail in his mouth to bite down on.

"Michonne, Daryl, hold him down, this is gonna hurt." Michonne holds down his left shoulder and leg while Daryl holds down the right. Abraham reaches into his bullet wound, causing massive pain to the group's leader, then as he fishes the bullet out he says, "you're lucky the bullet was still intact now hold still I gotta stop the bleeding." Abe then takes the heated sword and presses it against the wound as Michonne winces at Rick's muffled scream.

Michonne removes her head band and wraps it around Rick's upper thigh.

"Did he pass out?" Daryl asks.

"**Beep** you Abraham" Rick mumbles before passing out.

Michonne's confessional. "Now that Rick understands what shoving fingers into someone's gunshot wound feels like..." Michonne stares off as if remembering an incident from her past. "I'm pretty sure this wont change how immature he is, never mind."

Abraham and Daryl are carrying Rick back to the lawn while Andrea is swatting at Merle's nearly lifeless body with a tree branch. "Get off of him you blood suckers!" She wackes Merle across the face then over his head, hitting him more then swatting away mosquitoes.

"Okay, seeing as Rick is passed out, I will assume the title of new leader." Abraham steps up as Michonne is still trying to wipe the blood from her hands while her lose dreads fall in her face.

Abraham takes off his shirt and rips a large part of the hem off, handing it to her. "Here, use this to tie your hair back. I'm gonna need your expertise."

Andrea walks five inches away from them to begin her confessional. "I can't believe Abe is not only taking Rick's role as leader, but he's got his girl too." She instigates.

Abraham walks up behind her and taps her on the shoulder. "I can hear you, you know."

"Get the **Beep** out of my personal space. This is my confessional so mind your business!" She ties to get her gun, but Abraham pulls out a large gun and aims it at her face to stop her.

Andrea shivers and moans at the sight of its massive size. He pulls it away when she tries to lick it. She tuns back to her confessional with her hand still gripping the barrel of the gun. "It's so **beep**ing big and wide, I've never seen something so beautiful before... " Andrea said drooling at the sight of Abraham's large machine gun.

"Fine, I'll follow you, but only so I can pull that sweet thang's trigger." She says in seduction towards his HK-51 assault rifle.

Michonne is cradling an unconscious Rick as mosquitoes are sucking at her sugary blood. She wants to leave and get actual bandages and something to clean Rick's wound. She looks around for Carl but doesn't see him. Abraham comes up to her and crouches down. "what's wrong?"

"Can you stay with him? I need to get him proper bandages." She says looking at him as he nods and sits with Rick.

When Michonne is coming back with antipathetic and clean bandages, she sees Andrea running across the yard towards Rick.

"ANDREA!" Michonne screams and shoves the contents in her hands at Daryl before chasing after Andrea who just kept running after a swift kick to Rick's head. Michonne tackles the blonde to the ground before Abraham yanks her off of Andrea like she was a rag doll. "Dammit Michonne, you don't act like this." Abraham says holding her back.

"Rick's probably got brain damage by now." Michonne screams. "Why would you kick an unconscious man in the head?"

"I didn't even see him." Andrea said in amusement.

"Bull**beep**!"

Andrea's confessional. "So I did a running kick to Rick's head. I didn't mean to get Meesh so upset, I waited until she was gone. I'm just bored and wanted to blow off some stem, and Rick made me waste a bullet."

"You can't be mad at me." Abraham says following a disappointed Michonne.

"You were supposed to be watching him." Michonne scolds.

"I was watching him but then I saw her running towards us and I moved-oh and don't look now but Andrea's making another run towards his head."

Michonne turns around and shouts. "ANDREA!"

At the sound of her voice, Andrea does a complete u-turn and runs off in the opposite direction.

Rick's confessional. "Andrea kicked me in the **beep**ing face for no reason!"

Andrea looks at Rick waiting for an opportunity to kick him again, Merle is covered in ants but she doesn't care. "Rick, I just want you to know that, no matter what anybody tells you, you're not safe." Rick flinches as Andrea mockingly lunged at him.


	46. Chapter 46 Literary Talents

**A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality TV show 'The Real World.' This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'Real World.'**

**Literary Talents  
**

Daryl comes into his room at the new house, not knowing his roommate had been changed from his brother Merle, to a different military man.

"What's all this military **beep** on my floor? Merle you going back to the army?"

"keep your hand off other people's property." Abraham says entering the room.

"Then get your **beep** outta my room."

"Cant. we're roommates now."

"What kind of sick joke is this? I want my personal space."

Rick walks into his new bedroom. He expects to share the room with his son, like at the old house but soon finds he also had a new roommate. He already sees someone in the smaller bed beside his and assumes its Carl. "Here son I got you some comics." A hand from under the covers reaches out snatching the books away. Rick raises an eyebrow and pulls the covers back seeing Merle flipping through the pages.

"What are you doing in my son's bed!?"

"Its my bed. We roomies now friendly." Merle's bed is child sized so all his limps are dangling from the small mattress.

While Rick groans in pain, Merle reaches under his little bed and pulls out one of Carl's magazines. Merle walks over to the weak leader and smiles at him.

"What are you doing-" Rick asks.

"Just tryin to help out-let's make peace... besides I don't want to have to sleep wif one eye open."

Rick sighed. "Fine." Merle opened a comic book with one hand, and balanced it on his stomp. After a minute or two of silently reading it, Merle placed the book on Rick's chest and began to read aloud.

"Boom, pow, whoosh!" Merle animated as Rick pouted in annoyance. "What are you doin-"

"Reading-I love to read-"

"Hahaha-" Rick's laugh's were changed into nervous coughs as Merle's dark silent gaze burned into him. "You think that's funny. Yeah I like to read, you think I aint educated like your gal? Maybe I should read to her instead?" Merle got up to leave but Rick stopped him.

"No-um... I just didn't expect that... " Rick felt a little ashamed, for the first time ever and Merle relished in that. "Fine, I'll accept your half assed apology, but only if I can read you to sleep."

"Oh, that's not necessary-"

"This here's a cross over-I aint explaining **beep** to you, so shut up and enjoy." Merle began to read as Rick began to groan. Merle continued to read louder at the sound of Rick's frustrated moaning, Rick finally yelled out a long drown out "Sssttttttooopppppp-"

"Shut up, I'm trying to read to you!"

"Please, just let me sleeeeeppppp" Rick groaned as Merle slapped his wounded leg and began to read louder.

The footage switches back to another set of roommates. Abraham divides the room in two, but its divided very unfairly to Daryl.

"You got the front door on your side and you got the bathroom. How the **beep** am I supposed to get out of here? How I'm supposed to take a **beep**."

"You got a window on your side...go nuts." Abraham plops down on his bed as Daryl tries to leave. The Dixon stops, hearing the cocking of a gun. "Use the window, I don't want your dirty feet on my side of the room-"

"You **beep**in crazy, I could fall to meh death-"

"Bend your damn knees or use a ladder." He taunted as Daryl growled at him and banged the window to annoy the red head, before roughly lifting it open and stepping out.

"Hum, this aint so bad... " Daryl breathed in the fresh air before he began to walk across the slanted roof. He knocks on a random window and waited for it's resident to open up.

Carl pulls his curtains and sees Daryl still tapping on the window. "What are you doing on the roof-"

"I need to take a piss, let me in."

Carl looks back into the room and shakes his head. "Andrea's in there... with her guns. I think she bathes with them-"

"Fine, give me some water then. I got a plan."

Carl moves away from the window while Daryl waits on the ledge needing to relieve himself. The young boy comes back and hands Daryl the bottle of water.

"Alright, you tell me when Abraham is about to leave the house then I'ma cover him in a golden shower. I'ma turn that redhead into a blonde."

Carl shrugs his shoulders "alright." Carl heads downstairs into the yard, he looks up and can see Daryl chugging the bottle of water. Its not Abraham Carl sees heading towards him, but his father Rick. Carl smiles devilishly and looks up at Daryl giving a thumbs up.

"Hey Carl have you seen Merle-ohhhhhh my goddddd!" Rick screams as he's being drenched in hot fluid by a snickering Daryl.

"Its going in my wound! Darylllll!" Rick screams.

"Damn Carl that don't look like no Abraham!" Daryl yells.

Inside Abraham is taking advantage of the newly built gym. He's on the ground rigorously doing push ups and covered in sweat as he's been at this for a while now. Michonne strolls in wearing her spandex shorts and sports bra with her hair up in a ponytail. "Was Rick in here? He needs to exercise that leg."

"He probably got crushed underneath the weights somewhere." Abraham takes in Michonne's attire. "With an outfit like that lifting weights would be the last thing on his mind."

Michonne just shrugs with a smirk. "I need to find Rick. You don't need any help in here right?" She smiled at him.

"Put some weight on my back I need a challenge."

"How heavy do you think I am." She sasses folding her arms.

"I aint calling you a piglet I just need a little bit of weight." He laughs and nods for her to come to him.

Michonne climbs on top of him laying her chest on his back and wraps her arms around his stomach for balance as Abraham's effortlessly resumes his push ups.

Suddenly Daryl and Rick rush past the room, but after a few seconds Daryl comes back with an almost blind Rick, to gawk at Michonne and Abraham.

"What's going on Daryl, I can't see anything-My senses are heightened Daryl. I can smell Michonne and that red headed beast nearby-where are they?!"

"Uh-it's nothin'... I think. Come on we gotta wash the pee out!" Daryl continues to Drag Rick past the open gym room, somewhat thankful that he couldn't see Michonne on top of his arch nemesis. "You gonna git yours Red-"

"Punch him for me Daryl." Rick pleas as Abraham hears Rick's request in the distance and Michonne gets off his back. Daryl sees the large man look towards him. Daryl punches the wall and yells "Yeah, you like that **beep**-now stay down!"

Rick smiles hearing this and Daryl leads him away from the room.

"Uh, what just happened?" Abraham asked as Michonne patted him on the back then handed him a towel before she began to leave. "I'd better check on them. You know Rick and Daryl, they'd lead each other off a cliff if they could." Abraham smiles watching her leave the room in her little outfit.

Daryl is carrying Rick to his room in a hurry before kicking open Merle's door.

The older Dixon hides some papers underneath his pillow before yelling at his brother. "What the hell you doing-?"

"I pissed on Rick from the roof and now he's blind-you gotta help me wash it off of him before it gets into his bullet wound, he's still healing!" Daryl pleaded.

After rolling his eyes, Merle gets up and opened the bathroom door. "What's going on?" Rick whined as Daryl took off his clothes along with his own.

"What are you doing?" Merle sighed as he filled the tub up half way.

"I got some urine on me too, so I'm gonna bath wif him-what, chu got a problem wif that?"

"... just get in the tub... "Merle grumbled as he put a luffa on little Merle and Rick and Daryl got in the water. Daryl squeezed soup on Rick's head, then his own as Merle rigorously scrubbed away at the both of their bodies. Daryl also began to help bath Rick before the door opened and Michonne walked in.

"What you aint never see two dudes take a bath together?!" Daryl yelled with a blush as Rick had water splashed in his face to help clear his eyes.

"I don't have a problem, I just wanted to help-"

"What you know about a bathing buddy? You gonna ruin the dynamic!" Merle teased as Michonne shrugged "It's not like I haven't taken a shower with a guy before, Abe and I used to do it all the time-" she says casually.

"What? You let me out of this **beep**ing tub so I can ring his neck!" Rick yelled before Daryl tried to sooth him with some stokes to his back. "Stop it woman, you upsetting him-can't you see he venerable!'

Michonne's confessional. "Glenn why are you harping on this? It was a few baths after a work out. We're in an apocalypse, we have to conserve water."

"Excuses, excuses Michonne." Glenn says with distrust from behind the camera as Michonne rolled her eyes.

Later the day, a hidden camera catches Andrea with her new roommate Carl. "Hey Carl can you do this?" Andrea says while juggling three guns in her hands as Carl looks on in fear and amusement.

"Guns kill people Andrea, you can't just play with them like toys." He went back to assembling his own gun but stops hearing Andrea laugh.

"Well I didn't hear that boy back at the prison complain when you shot him in the face-lighten up."

Carl rolled his eyes when Andrea began twirling her gun around her finger and aiming it at the door. She repeats the process until Carl finally gives her his full attention.

"Look at this. I'm gonna twirl it, throw it in the air and catch it!" Andrea says before doing so, but her grip slips and the gun fire's off. "I didn't do it!" She yelled just as she heard someone slump against her door. With a worried look, Carl opens the door as Michonne is against it and falls in the room holding her leg wound before Carl cradled her in a worried embrace.

"Dammit Andrea-stop shooting people!" Carl screams as Michonne is still holding the side of her thigh and gets up with Carl's help.

"Please Meesh, don't be mad at Carl. He was only forcing me to do that gun trick."

"She's lying!" Carl yells. Michonne limps closer to Andrea balling her fist. Rosita's camera films as a knocked out Andrea lands on the ground. Michonne's feet steps over her body with a struggling limp, followed by Carl's rushing foot steps following after the Samurai.

The camera follows Michonne into the hall. "Carl, get back in the room. Find all her guns and bury them before she wakes up. Make sure you hide yours too, she can snuff guns out like a bloodhound."

"What about you?"

"I'll be fine." Carl nods and runs back into his room. Michonne begins to wobble from blood loss, as her body slumps against Rick's door, she gives it a week knock before passing out. The cameraman tries to approach her until the door opens and Merle looks around the hallway.

As Merle sees the camera filming him, he quickly looks down and scopes Michonne into his arms before carrying her into him room. The bedroom camera films Merle after he bucks his door shut with his hip, to give him some privacy.

Rick is finally asleep, so Merle shrugs and places Michonne next to him, to asses her wound. He goes over Rick's closet, and rips apart one of Rick's shirts before wrapping a tattered piece around her leg.

After seeing the pair fall asleep on the king sized bed, he waits a few moments before going over to his side of the room and pulling out a few sheets of paper. Like Andrea he had also begun writing literature, but poor Merle was a bit too shy to share it, until now.

"Wake the **beep** up!" Merle screeched, making Rick and Michonne jerk out of their sleep and reach for their non-present weapons by reflex. Rick looks over at Michonne who still had her exercise clothes on, and suddenly remembers that she was supposed to help him exercise his leg, but he fell asleep instead. Rick is instantly alarmed looking at the torn cloth wrapped around her thigh "Michonne-"

"I'm fine Rick... I think Merle saved me." Merle who looked away with a blush.

"Well, I can't just let my woman's friend die... and she shot you so, I don't know-I aint a **beep**in softie okay!"

"No one said that you were Merle, thank you." Rick tried to get up, but Merle grunted in protest and drew out Michonne's sword, holding it above the couple.

"Now neither of you are leaving without payin' meh back fore caring for your lives-now sit the **beep** down... I'ma read you a story." Merle dragged a chair and sat down before Rick and Michonne, as Rick pulled her into a protective embrace.

"Now, I based this off of y'all. It's called, _the lone dark berry on a long white vine_-it's interracial!"

"Merle please." They both begged, but Merle didn't listen as he began to read his fan fiction to them. Despite the racial slurs, over used sex scenes and their out of character natures... the story wasn't that bad. Especially if there was a sword pointed at their heads.

"Did you like it?-I made y'all have a lot of sex in it." Merle gripped her sword as they nodded yes, just to get him to back off.

"...Merle... do you have... fantasies about us or something because-" Michonne said with caution as Merle twiddled his fingers against the tip of his bayonet muttering "Maybe, I mean I've never seen a white and a nig-"

He was cut off by Rick and Michonne's furious stare so he stopped and said "people of different nationalist?"

He continued after they nodded yes. "So I was kind of curious... "

"It's not that big of a deal Merle, sometimes you gotta step outta your box to see the world around you... they're less of us now, so we gotta stick together-no more color, race, whatever-just us- and no more creepy fan fiction." Rick said as Michonne leaned into him a bit.

"Okay... so... can I see you do things to her-" Merle said hoping his story got them hot and bothered enough to do the deed.

"Merle get out." Michonne said uneasily standing up from the bed.

"But I'm a changed man!" He begged in an attempt to see some action.

Rick shuffled out of bed and stood in front of her, albeit slow and still a bit weak on his feet. "Get away from us Merle, I understand you saved us and we're grateful, but I can't let you treat us like this." Rick stumbled as Michonne held his arm to steady his stance. Merle nodded before walking towards the door.

"I can respect that-but your little hero act, it's going straight into the fiction." Merle closed the door on them as the two finally sighed with ease.

Rick looks Michonne up and down. "How many people have seen you in that outfit?"

"I wore it for you."

"Its two rubber bands of fabric Michonne-" Rick over dramatizes.

"Why are you always yelling in my face!?" Michonne screams at him.

Merle comes back into the room. "Stop arguing with each other and start **beep**ing. I aint listening outside the door for meh health. Come on now, I need more material!"

**A/N: Merle did say the only thing he missed about Woodberry was the library.**


End file.
